Online Reporter
Dear Tete Joyie:
This is very hard for me to write.
I want my husband to leave me and find someone else. My husband and I were childhood sweethearts. I was 16 and he was 17. We courted for some time and married on a glorious day in 1984. We had the most wonderful life together and have never spent one night apart since then. However, when I was in my early 50s, I suddenly became very clumsy, dropping things and tripping, then I found I kept feeling dizzy, was becoming tired very easily and also starting to have problems with my speech. I went to the doctor and was shocked when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, which up to then I knew scarcely anything about. My first reaction was that I was not going to give in to it, and that I would fight it, and everything would be fine. The reality though has been quite different.
Unfortunately, over the following years my health deteriorated quite rapidly and now I am 58 and almost entirely bedbound. Lately I have been feeling both angry and tearful, and these emotions appear to be worsening. I don’t want my husband to see me constantly crying, as he has been amazing. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about how caring and loving he has been to me. He did not want me to have a carer to help me as he thought I would lose my dignity and feel embarrassed when I was washed and dressed by a stranger.
So he has, for the last three or four years, had to do absolutely everything for me – feed me, wash me, brush my hair, read to me, dress me, even help me into my wheelchair and take me out sometimes into the garden so I can feel the sun on my face and listen to the birds.
I feel so desolately sad for him. Such a wonderful man with such a burdened life cruelly thrust upon him. I want him to have a life for himself while he still can. To find a lovely lady who he can do the normal things with – go out for meals, walk along the beach, go on holidays etc, but he won’t entertain the idea when I suggest it. I also don’t want him to have to deal with seeing me get any worse, and presumably die before him as I know it would totally break his heart.
How can I convince him that this would be the best thing?
Tete Joyie Says:
Living with the physical difficulties associated with this crippling disease, Multiple Sclerosis (MS), can take its toll emotionally, causing unstable moods and depression, of which I feel you may be suffering. To have met and loved so closely for almost your whole lives, yet, for you to be so selfless in suggesting your husband leave you for another due to your perceived burden upon him with your health issues, particularly saddens me.
Your husband seems totally devoted to you in his uncomplaining attitude and readiness to attend to any of your needs. I feel that were you to push him to meet another, this would leave you both heartbroken, as I do believe this is not really what you are wanting, more that you are feeling overwhelmed by the situation you find yourself in. After all, if your current state was reversed, and he suggested the same, how would you react? Often, if we put ourselves in another’s situation, it allows us to see things more clearly. Nevertheless, I do understand your concerns for his happiness.
As you love your husband dearly, let him continue with what he’s doing best – caring for you – and waste no more time, but go ahead and utterly enjoy each and every precious moment with this selfless man who loves you unconditionally. You both deserve nothing less.
Ex’s call sparks chaos
Dear Tete Joyie:
I am a woman in my mid-30s, and my husband is in his early 40s. We met a little less than two years ago and haven’t left each other’s side since. We got married about a year ago. Needless to say, we both fell fast and hard for each other. When I met him, my whole world changed, and I look at the world in a completely different way. She makes me want to be a better person altogether. But we have a problem. My husband already had trust issues from a previous relationship in which he was betrayed. Well, several months ago, I broke his trust by talking to my ex on the phone. It was an innocent conversation, but I knew that it would upset my husband. I felt terrible and immediately admitted what I’d done, admitted that it was wrong and promised that it wouldn’t ever happen again.
Fast-forward four months and nothing seems to be enough for my husband. He continues to throw it in my face. Every time my phone makes a noise, he wants to look at it. There is not a day that goes by that he does not make a smart-aleck remark about my talking to my ex on the phone. I am truly lost because I love this man more than life itself and have never been happier. But I can’t continue to allow him to say the mean and hurtful things he’s been saying, and I can’t take the distance between us, and I can’t take any more of the barrages of questions. I love him and don’t want to ever face life without her, but the cruelty is breaking me down quickly. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Tete Joyie Says:
I can feel the pain and desperation in your words. It is heartbreaking to see your beautiful relationship tarnished by trust issues and hurtful behaviour. You have acknowledged your mistake, apologised, and promised not to repeat it. Now, it is essential to address your husband’s ongoing hurt and find a way to heal together.
Understanding his perspective:
1. His past betrayal has left emotional scars, making him more sensitive to potential threats.
2. Your conversation with your ex triggered his insecurities, and he may feel vulnerable.
Addressing the issue:
1. Open conversation: Have a calm, honest talk with your husband. Explain how his behaviour affects you and express your feelings.
2. Seek counselling: Consider couples therapy to work through trust issues, communication problems, and past traumas.
3. Rebuild trust: Focus on strengthening your bond through transparency, empathy, and consistency.
4. Set boundaries: Establish what you’re comfortable with regarding communication and boundaries.
5. Self-reflection: Encourage your husband to reflect on his feelings and actions, and explore ways to manage his insecurities.
Self-care:
1. Prioritise your emotional well-being.
2. Engage in activities that bring you joy.
3. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist.
Considerations:
1. If your husband’s behaviour continues to be hurtful and toxic, it may be necessary to re-evaluate the relationship.
2. Your love and commitment are crucial, but your emotional safety matters equally.
Remember, relationships involve growth, challenges, and forgiveness. You’ve taken the first step by acknowledging your mistake. Now, work together to create a stronger, more empathetic bond.
If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, WhatsApp 0716069196, and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write in remain anonymous
