adminthe centre.
They made sure that they were well away from where the women huddled together, watching the children, gossiping and sharing experiences.
Not surprisingly, the topic soon took a turn into what I have come to discover is someone’s idea of a hideous joke on womankind; bridal showers. Questions were thrown around; are they essential? Do they serve to empower or disempower brides to be? Why do speakers at bridal showers often give advice that they themselves never follow?
Why the hell do we allow each other to regurgitate the same old lies and give the same tired advice under the guise of “getting her ready for marriage” when we know, for a fact, that the information is untrue. We all know that such information will not solve any marital problems that might arise and will perpetuate the cycle of servitude in most Malawian marriages.
More often than not, bridal showers leave the poor girl non-the wiser on real life challenges and how to deal with them?
For those not familiar with the term “bridal shower” in Malawi, it is customary to throw a function for the bride-to-be, often a week before her wedding. Selected female speakers offer advice on different things. Topics range from home management, grooming and etiquette, pleasing your husband, financial management and communication skills.
Often times, the groom-to-be will come in to listen to the financial management bit. In other cases though, the man will not make an appearance at all.
Now, you will note that the sequence of events tells a story: women are not adequately equipped (or are not smart enough) to handle the family finances. You tell her about the cooking, cleaning, bed making and sexually satisfying her husband, but when it comes to the money, bring out the man so we can talk to him while she listens. Then, after the “real talk” is over, let him walk out to take care of pressing matters while the womenfolk continue with their “chatter.”
A colleague who had been appointed to speak at a bridal shower once mentioned how, she wanted to advice the bride-to-be, “my dear, you are too young to get married. Your career has not yet taken off the ground, you do not know yourself well enough and not confident in your own femininity yet to take on marriage. You need to learn, to live, to grow. Run!”
But, since she had been called on to talk about communication, she simply did her bit and sat down. She said her heart bled as the women ululated and the bride-to-be presented her with a gift for the advice she had given. She clearly knew she had only regurgitated the lies that everyone else expected to hear.
Some advisers will for example say something like; “you ought to cook for your husband and kids every day. Do not leave such duties to the maid or she will eventually snatch your man.”
I agree that it is essential to have a nice clean home and it is liberating to know that you can cook a good meal. However, when you are a working mom, with children aged five, three, and six months and have been kept up by the baby all night, should you not let the maid do some of the work while you catch up on the much needed rest?
Set foot at a bridal shower and you will most likely hear something of this sort, “if your husband is having an affair, do not ask him about it because he will be angry. Act as if everything is normal, cook his favourite meals and keep the home clean. Do not deny him sex. He will eventually feel guilty and end the affair. Remember, all men cheat.”
With the increase in infection rates of HIV and Aids in Africa, is this really the best way of dealing with a philandering spouse? Should women sit back and “take it” until he tires of the woman he is seeing and moves on to the next one?
On home management, they will point out that you need to make some time for your home, which is all very good and true. But they will go on to say, “women spend too much time at bridal showers, engagements, weddings, social functions and the salon. As a result, you neglect your home and your men go out in search of fun and entertainment. You should learn to stay at home.”
If you ask married women why they pre-occupy themselves with social functions, they will most likely respond that their husbands are rarely home. They are usually out drinking with the boys, playing golf, networking among other things.
“We get bored being home alone every weekend and try to keep ourselves busy and happy in means that are socially acceptable for married Malawian women. If our husbands were home-bodies, we would willingly spend our time at home too,” a group of women pointed out in reaction to similar advice at a bridal shower recently.
Clearly, it’s high time bridal showers evolved with the times. They should be a platform that is used to challenge stereotypes about how women spend their time, about building careers, protecting themselves from HIV and Aids as well as discussing the signs of gender based violence in the home.
Should bridal showers not be abandoned in favour of send-offs, where both the bride and her groom are counselled? What purpose does it serve to teach a woman on hygiene, etiquette, lovemaking and rekindling romance if her husband is not advised on the same?
Does this not perpetuate a culture where women give to their men with no reciprocation or appreciation from them? Are bridal showers affirming patriarchy that we so need to detangle so that women and men enjoy a more equitable society? You decide! — Genderlinks.
Lerato Manyozo is a freelance journalist based in Malawi.
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