adminall people but especially women to consider their standing in society. It is also a time when certain organisations are at pains to paint men as beasts whose sole reason for existence is to grind the faces of women into the dust.
It is very tempting to blame men for all the problems that burden women such as economic sidelining and sexist portrayal in the media. The law also often bears the blame for failing to protect women from all sorts of discrimination and abuse.
And looking at the statistics of woman who are victims of domestic violence at the hands of husbands, lovers, brothers, fathers and uncles, then there is no question that the Domestic Violence Act needs amendments to ensure safety for all who seek protection under its umbrella. But I for one, as a woman sometimes think that maybe the worst enemy of a woman is none other than herself. Can any law ever liberate a woman whose mind is yoked to beliefs and tradition that militate against her essential right to being a fully empowered human being?
Whose job is it to ensure that women are not seen as objects by men, but as fellow people who deserve to be respected and cherished just as the men themselves feel entitled to? Let us take the issue of lobola. Do we still need this custom for a man to prove to his in-laws that he is able to look after his wife in this day when most women are technically able to and do provide for their needs?
Many will rush to say that by asking such a question I am denigrating our tradition and am obviously showing that I have been brainwashed by Western ideologies that have no place in this country. But to that argument I point out that the bride price payment of today bears very little resemblance to the traditional token that was used to solemnise a marriage when the culture came into existence. And it is all interesting to note that people who fall on the tradition crutch are quite happy to only adopt the parts that suit them.
Like the way in which the many people in their day-to-day lives now follow a westernised lifestyle then cite culture as their basis for sticking to whatever tradition they have decided to hold onto! But culture changes everyday and that is why very few communities can ever exactly mirror the lives led by their ancestors and it is totally unrealistic to expect such a thing to happen.
But who determines what we hold onto and what we throw away and how we adapt the old to the new or vice-versa?
Media reports on the lobola payments made by some of our eminent citizens recently have raised much debate on the role of lobola in our modern culture on social forums like Facebook, bars, market places and in the commuter omnibuses. The Prime Minister is reported to have paid US$36 000 in cash for a wife this past weekend.
Before that the General Constantine Chiwenga was reported as having parted with US$45 000 to secure a bride.
Reactions are mixed with some people openly saying that at this point they wish they could have been in the shoes of the brides’ families to celebrate the success of their daughters in bringing home such prizes. But most are expressing the view that instead of the traditional customary tokens, lobola has become a showbizz circus in which both the bride and the groom lose their dignity as one “buys” the other.
The multi thousand dollar question is just where these exorbitant bride price tags fit in with the modern woman’s vocal and active demand of equal treatment in all social, economic and political spheres.
One question that has been posed by many men is whether a woman for whom one has paid so much for has any right to refuse the husband anything including sex on demand. Or can he legitimately consider her as an object that he has acquired at considerable cost that he should be able to use for his pleasure whenever he feels like?
And can we blame him for this attitude after the extortionate processes that he would have gone through in the name of observing custom?Can such a woman even mention the phrase ‘marital rape’ to any of her relatives and hope for a sympathetic ear when they fear that if she reneges on her marital vows the son-in-law will come demanding back his fortune?
Lobola by its nature is skewered to favour men who have nubile female relatives. Looking at what was paid by the PM, from the sum of $38 000 charged the female relatives only got $7 500 and one measly beast out of a total of 16 live cattle billed while the father got away with the lion’s share.
If the family sticks to tradition then the female relatives are not even going to enjoy any sizeable portion of the money that they did get as they are supposed to use the sum to equip the bride with all the tools that she will need as a new wife.
But the female relatives are at the forefront of expressing their joy at the achievement of their daughter. It is as if in their eyes anything else that she may have done in her life has no significance.
It seems that all that counts is that she has landed a man who can afford to pay whatever the family demands without blinking an eye. To hear their comments this is the only way that a woman can bring pride to her family.
So can we safely say that women are deliberately abetting a system that keeps them under the thumb of men and should not cry foul when the later maintains that they are more equal than the former?
It is a fact that the issue of lobola has destroyed many family relationships and marriages. Men who feel that they have been overcharged often take their frustration out on their wives.
It takes a psychologically sick person to justify physical or emotional abuse of a partner on the basis of the lobola paid. There can never be a valid excuse for abuse period, whether the perpetrator is male or female.
But as women I feel that we have to start asking ourselves what exact definition the custom of lobola is giving to us as a gender and how it may be the worst tool of slavery that men hold over us.
On the other hand one positive thing that can be said about the huge lobola bills paid by our eminent citizens is that they have sent a clear message that virginity in females no longer seems to be a big issue and the only limit to a woman’s perceived worth is the pocket of her suitor.
But do we really want to be identified by the price tag of the lobola paid for us? Do we really need this albatross hanging from our necks? Is it logical for a woman to think that a man can only validate his commitment to and respect for her by paying her relative so many dollars and cattle?
Or is it up to us to bring back sanity to this tradition by demanding that our parents only charge token amounts whose significance is to seal the marriage vows and not to finance the founding of a new business empire with us as the collateral?
In the long run will this not create a better relationship between husband and wife as each knows that they are committing to the marriage out of will rather than because there is a need to give or demand value for money?
As for me before I take part in or even support any march or awareness campaign to pressurise the policy makers to change this or that law that disadvantages women and girls, I have a question for all women.
What are you doing on a personal level to ensure that you are free, and that your daughters, nieces, mothers, grandmothers and female neighbours are also free?
Online Reporter