Am I really at fault?

Mudzimba-Dr Rebecca Chisamba

Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 32-year-old married woman and my husband is 36. We are both gainfully employed and have two children, along with a househelp. My concern is that my husband often makes decisions without consulting me.

Recently, he went to his rural home and returned with his sister’s daughter, announcing that she would be staying with us while attending school in the city. He never discussed this arrangement with me beforehand.

Recently, his sister — the girl’s mother — sent me a message stating that if I need help, I should hire another househelp and not expect her daughter to do any chores. When I showed the message to my husband, he brushed it off. I am hurt and confused.

What is wrong with asking her to help out around the house? Please advise me, what should I do?

Response

I am well, and thank you for writing in. I am happy that you generally seem to get on well with your husband. However, you seem to still have some loose ends that need to be tied up. Marriage is made up of two people and decisions should be communicated well in advance to your partner. Your sister-in-law is out of line. She does not live with you and has no right to accuse you of overworking her daughter based on hearsay. She should instead be grateful that you are looking after her daughter.

You already have a helper at your place, so there is not much that this girl is expected to do. Talk to your husband again.

Brushing you aside is not an acceptable response. Instead of being dismissive, he must communicate openly. Have a meeting with tete. If she does not want her daughter to be asked to do anything, then the girl can go back and stay with her.

Petty behaviour can easily destroy family relationships. Talk to the girl as her guardians and call a spade a spade. Let her know that her words and actions are causing friction.

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In-laws are too meddlesome

Hello, Amai. I am a 30-year-old married man and my wife is 27. We are blessed with two young children. We live in the same city as my wife’s family. Whenever we have a disagreement — no matter how small — she tells her family about it.

They often advise her to return home and she leaves me with the children. This pattern is becoming frustrating and disruptive. How can I address this issue?

Response

Dear writer, thank you for reaching out. Your letter made me very sad. Marriage is not a kids’ game. It is a lifetime commitment and should be treated as such. Your wife lacks maturity. Why does she get away with this? How does she return?

Do you go to fetch her or do you invite her back? I do not think her family is helping her at all, because they do not consider the children who may be left unsupervised in the absence of their mother.

Consult your wife’s tete or ambuya and present your case.

They will take it up with her parents, who should take a stance against this behaviour. Are you an abusive husband?

In fact, you could also be part of the problem. The two of you need professional counselling. Work on your communication and conflict resolution.

Furthermore, try to resolve your problems without sounding the alarm all the time or inviting third parties to hear you out. I would be happy to hear from you again.

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I am not a piggy bank

I am a 32-year-old man in a committed relationship with my girlfriend aged 27. We have been together for over a year and both of us are gainfully employed.

Generally, we get along well and have built a strong bond. However, lately, I have been feeling frustrated. My girlfriend frequently asks me for money — for almost everything.

When I question this, she insists that as a man I must provide. This attitude has led to serious arguments and she seems unwilling to change. To make matters worse, she does not seem interested in spending quality time with me.

We only see each other briefly after work and occasionally on weekends. I love her deeply, but this situation is beginning to affect our relationship. How should I handle this?

Response

Greetings writer. Generally, the habit of asking for money or demanding gifts is a red flag in a relationship. I think your girlfriend has dependency problems that need to be resolved before it is too late.

Instead of getting into a foul mood, she needs to accept that you may not always be able to give her what she wants.

You are complaining about not spending quality time together and yet you see her after work and on some weekends. I think you sound a bit harsh.

Bear in mind, she is not your wife and may have other obligations that do not necessarily always involve you. Until you state your position clearly, you will not be happy.

Remember that she may choose to accept this or not. You are at a crossroads and you need to make a decision soon. I would be happy to hear from you again. I wish you all the best.

Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com