Online Reporter
When people decide to end their marriages, it’s generally because they feel they have done everything possible to save it, until they feel they have nothing more to do to save their relationships.
However, many partners who make the decision to leave their marriages have had little time to process and evaluate their feelings, thoughts and options, while others base the decision mainly on a one-sided view.
As a result, they are unprepared for the roller-coaster of emotions, the often complicated legal system and the many life-changing decisions that they need to make.
Quite often, they make agreements they can’t sustain, and instead of the situation getting better, often find that they have just traded one set of problems for another. Many people considering divorce often operate under the assumption that the sooner you can get out of a stressful situation the better.
There is a natural tendency for people who are in difficult marriages to want to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible in order to move on with their lives.
Family and friends often encourage this as well. They hurt for their loved one and so also prescribe to the myth that the quicker the divorce is over, the sooner everything will return to normal.
But unfortunately, in many cases just the opposite happens. Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage usually have little time to evaluate their true status and life after divorce.
As a result they are unprepared for the roller-coaster of emotions, the often complicated legal system and the many life-changing decisions that they need to make, not just for them but also the children where kids are present.
Quite often they make unsustainable agreements, and instead of the situation getting better, they often find that they have just traded one set of problems for another.
So it is no wonder that they often get tangled up in lengthy court cases and the very thing they hoped for, a quick divorce, often takes years.
If you’re at the crossroads about whether or not to throw in the towel, take a step back, clear your head and consider the following questions:
Is there willingness to resolve issues?
Once you get down to the true issues behind all those emotions flooding your system, you need to figure out what needs to be done to resolve the issues and whether there exists willingness to resolve them on both sides.
Or can you only get your life back on the right track by breaking things off and starting from scratch?
Calling it quits, whether with good or bad reason, is the quickest way out. It looks like it’s guaranteed to remove all that weight from your shoulders and make you feel like you’re standing on your own two feet again.
But is it the best solution? The real question here is, is there anything about this relationship that’s worth salvaging? There’s always a way out, as long as both of you want to.
Am I also to blame?
Before you point your finger at your spouse, you must consider what your part has been in the collapse of your marriage. It can’t be their fault entirely.
Honest consideration of this question alone is enough to give your relationship another chance. You can’t now, at this point of your relationship, want to reinforce deal-breakers that were either never negotiated or that you’ve since compromised on.
Is this a sincere decision?
Is your decision based on self-awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision? To be ready to divorce means being able to make a clear, unemotional decision that you can support over time.
Any agenda, other than ending the marriage, is an indication that you are not ready to divorce.
Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people should they choose to do so. Divorce means being able to let go of all strong emotional attachments to the other person, the loving ones as well as the hostile and hurtful ones.
Emotionally charged decisions do not last and if acted on do not resolve the underlying problem. People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over.
Am I really ready for a divorce?
Have you considered that things will practically change? Your housing situation may get complicated.
Your social life will change significantly, both in how you spend your time and with whom you spend it. Your daily routine may no longer be the routine.
While the fear of change or the unknown shouldn’t stop you from leaving an unhealthy or abusive marriage, ending things before you’ve considered the first few steps post-breakup can make a sad situation even more stressful and overwhelming.
Have you researched, planned and prepared yourself emotionally, legally and financially for a divorce?
If someone was to ask if this was the only thing left to do in your marriage, would you confidently answer “Yes” with peace in your heart? Are you ready and prepared to adopt a new way of relating with your children?
Can you turn your back on your partner without anger and resentment?
Sowetan
