malvernmugadzikwa
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
It is undoubtedly a heart-warming experience to receive thoughtful gifts from loved ones on special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries or Christmas. However, given the current economic climate, it is imperative to be considerate and avoid placing undue financial burden on others. Similarly, when visiting friends or family, it is essential to respect their hospitality. Only visit places where we are truly welcome. To address these concerns, we have curated a selection of previously published letters that delve into these topics.
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AMAI, I hope I find you well. I am a 30-year-old woman, married to a man of the same age. He has three siblings — a sister and two brothers. My in-laws stay at their rural home with auntie and her six kids. She is the eldest in the family but the most inconsiderate. She has never been married but she behaves like a baby-making machine. All the six kids have different fathers. She is arrogant and does not take heed when people advise her about the issue of having unplanned children.
Her siblings take turns to send provisions on a monthly basis. We are all overwhelmed because of the demands from home. We all have our own families, although tete has the largest. My mother-in-law is always complaining that what we are sending does not stretch far because of the large family size.
We are all doing our best, but we are not appreciated. Last week, she sent a long Christmas grocery list and reminded us that her kids needed new clothes for the festive season. We are always having meetings, and everyone says they are fed up. There is nobody who is courageous enough to bell the cat. Amai, how do we deal with such a disaster?
Response
Your issue seems straightforward. Unfortunately, I think the family has let it go way out of hand. The responsible fathers of these children must contribute towards their upkeep. She can legally take them to court.
As for your husband and his brothers, they must simply inform those back home that things are tight. There is a common misconception that those who live in urban areas have plenty of resources as compared to those in the rural areas, which is not always the case.
You can hold a thousand meetings but if you do not act, nothing will change.
Encourage your husband to be vocal and frank. If not, then this will go on forever. How old are these children? Do any of them work or help around the house? Are there rural-based projects you can initiate to try to generate revenue for them? If so, then spring into action. I encourage you to live within your means and stop being afraid of telling those who are dependent on you about it.
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Husband ignores landmarks in my life
Mine is a short and straightforward issue, but it is really eating me up inside. I am in my mid-30s, and so is my beloved husband. We get on well as a couple and we are great parents to our two-year-old daughter.
We have been married for six years, but my husband has never bought me a personal gift, not even a handkerchief or perfume.
At work, other women brag about what their husbands buy them for their birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day, the list goes on, but for me, there is nothing.
I feel out of place when this is going on. What hurts the most is he knows what is expected of a spouse but does not do anything. I remember important days in his life and that of our kids. My question is: Why does he not reciprocate?
The festive season is upon us, and I have already bought stuff for him, but I know there will be nothing for me on Christmas Day. We buy stuff for our parents, and he takes part in this but does not do likewise for his own wife. I have always wanted to ask him, but I believe in keeping my pride. Is this a sign of something? Amai, please help.
Response
Gifting is a love language, and you seem to excel in it. Unfortunately, some people are not alive to it. Put your pride aside and tell your husband how his lack of effort makes you feel. The danger lies with you not addressing the matter. Until the elephant in the room is addressed, there will not be any seismic progress in the right direction.
At times, partners take certain things for granted. A gentle nudge will not hurt. I am sure it will drive him in the right direction, especially if this is the only issue he is guilty of.
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Kids refusing to
visit my in-laws
I am a married woman blessed with two sons aged nine and 11. My husband is a great guy, and we try as much as possible to work together and give our children a good upbringing. We want our kids to get to know both our families.
We devised a method where they go to my family for a weekend or brief holiday and then the next time they go to their father’s side. A fortnight ago, they were supposed to have gone to my in-laws’ house but they both cried and refused to go.
We tried to find out why, but they never said anything. The younger one said from now on, they would only go to my parents’ place. This made me very uncomfortable because I also do not know why they said this.
My husband said we should look into this carefully. But, Amai, how do we do this without stepping on my in-laws’ toes? My fear is someone will end up blaming me or us as a couple for influencing the kids.
Response
I would like to commend you for making efforts that allow your children to know both sides of the family. Their decision to stop visiting your in-laws is strange.
Judging from their ages, it is unusual that the kids came up to this conclusion by themselves.
My guess is that something happened. If you have failed to get it out of your children, you may need to rope in a child psychologist or someone the kids may feel comfortable confiding in.
Whatever it is, it needs to be resolved. I would avoid jumping the gun and approaching your in-laws if you do not know what it is. It could be something sincere or a silly reason; children are unpredictable. Do your due diligence and you will get to the bottom of it. I wish you luck.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
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