Book reflects on marriage values

It is out of this desire to contribute to the debate and to inform those entering marriage that Mbuya Rose Siyachitema tackles the marriage institution in her latest book Mbuya Nemuzukuru Book 4.
The book, which is a continuation of a series under the same title, traces the essence of marriage and how the husband and wife should behave. The book bestows honour on African culture as it informs on the need to fully commit to the marriage institution.
In her book, Mbuya Siyachitema clearly shows why observing the founding principles of the institution are central. The notion that women and men are equal in marriage does not make sense as it negates God’s design.
Couples should respect God for making men and women different. Why should men behave like women or otherwise?
Western cultures should never overshadow local culture. Why should we just copy from the west? For her there is nothing to emulate from the west. Europeans teach their children differently from Africans hence their culture has less value to our tradition. Going to study abroad should never be a licence to throw away one’s culture.
Young people should be taught the right things and the idea of a permissive society is nonsense and has brought to us more chaos. She addresses the importance of lobola and why it is critical that men and women stay together only after the bride price has been paid.
Drawing from the African culture she singles out how even the poor paid with the simplest things that they could get like a hoe (chiserima) or would be forced to work for the women (kutema ugariri).
Most women who elope have problems in their marriages. As such young women should never be forced into marriage by eloping when their men have not openly asked for their hand in marriage.
She compares eloping in the old African culture and nowadays saying in the former the woman would go to the new husband when she was not pregnant (p49).
That was a sign of true love not infatuation and or wishing to enter early into the marriage union.
For her, the small house has destroyed the extended family and society at large. If one feels he needs another wife why not marry and bring her home than to have three other secret houses? Men should think who is in those homes when they are at the big house.
Small houses are a result of one person in a union failing to respect the marriage institution and will always lead to disaster (p47).
A trained teacher and marriage counsellor Mbuya Siyachitema takes every opportunity to teach young women on the importance of working hard in order to be successful. She has taught girls at Mbuya Nemuzukuru centres in Gweru and Harare for 16 years.
Her book clearly shows that despite the breakdown in the African culture it has all the ingredients of raising cultured African children. It dovetails with what the Christian teaching on raising child.
She clearly shows that there is nothing that can stop women from being educated and still observe the African culture and morals. It should inspire one to work even harder to keep her culture. She urges African women to be hardworking and to maintain work ethics.
She argues that the announcement of the birth of a boy and girl child carried different meanings and that had a bearing on their significance in the family. All the confusion that the society is in now is that Africans have failed to raise children in best ways possible.
Mbuya Siyachitema tackles the issue of premarital sex saying it should only be reserved for the marriage institution. God has created the marriage institution holy and thus it should be kept that way. Young men and women should be given time to know each other before marriage.
The sexual union only brings warmth into the new family and should be respected and maintained. Children are only icing on the cake of love and should not be priority of any union (p36).
The book castigates sex without marriage (kubika mapoto) saying it is a sign of disrespect of in-laws. In actual fact that is not marriage but adultery p49.
Our culture is surely against this and it dovetails with the marriage institution in the Bible. Sex only comes last in the equation and is never given precedence before marriage and whenever it comes before the bride price it is against the African culture and indeed the Holy Scriptures.
Bearing children should come as consequence of the marriage union and as blessings from God. She argues; “I have managed to write what I have observed as teacher and counsellor in the church in the mother union (part of the Anglican Church) on what can build and sustain a home.
“The marriage institution in the church is only meant to cement the marriage union which is the greater good that men and women are going into. It is to herald to the people that they have made an undertaken to be together even when the chips are down. As the bible says a house built on a rock shall not fall, a proper foundation will give newly-weds strength to wither storms.”
Teachings on the importance of the marriage union should be emphasised and should continue even after when a couple is joined in matrimony because they will always meet new challenges in life.
Marriage counsellors are also in the traditional setting as aunts and grannies can be very helpful. It is unfortunate that they no longer get their position in the marriage institution. That is why the marriage institution is part of our tradition and culture. Those who cannot copy from the tradition will always have difficulties in coming up with a blissful institution.
We have defined gender roles and those should characterise the home. The bible clearly spells the foundation marriage – between man and women. Gayism and lesbianism are an abomination because love is only between men and women that will result in children.
God would never have commanded us to bear children and fill the earth if marriage was to be between people of same sex? She condemns the issue of marital rape saying it must never be part of the marriage union as the reason why men and women come together is mainly their sexual life.
For her women should not fear sex as the bride price is a sign that the man is asking what the womanhood means in creation. Sex completes the friendship between husband and wife hence there should be communication between the two. Marital rape is for animals not human beings. Fighting over sex should never characterise the home, all sickness that affect one sexual appetite should be discussed openly in the home (p63).
In the event there is marital problems couples should seek help. Delays are killing marriages and encouraging the proliferation of small houses.
The husband and wife should fulfil their duties in the home with women respecting their husbands and vice versa. Mutual respect is for the good of the union.
A daughter-in-law should always respect her in-laws as that brings bliss in the family. A husband will never respect a woman who will shout at his mother and father. What the girl child should know is they have to accept the in-laws with their defaults as they have given the men that he calls husband. Those who shout at the in-laws have not place in the marriage set up.
Adultery is the source of all evil hence our children need to be taught of the dangers of involving in sexual relations outside the marriage institution. Our counsellors including the church people should clearly tackle the issue than try to cover it. There is need for proper education on marriages if we are to cultivate better families.
Above all she retorts, the marriage institution should be guided by love. Quoting from the book of 1 Corinthians 13 vs 1-13, Mbuya Siyachitema tackles the importance of real love in the marriage institution. The chapter shows that nothing prosper with real love – verse 4 and 5, Paul say real love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrong doings (p43).
Mbuya Siyachitema acknowledges problems in the marriage institution saying the two should tackle them together and that they should never be used as a curse to one of the member of the union. Changing a husband or wife like changing a coat is a recipe for disaster.
Men and women still shy away from the problems of marriage that is why we have all these divorce cases. Problems that are not talked about and settled will always lead to broken marriages (p65-67).
This is where the aunt, uncles and grandparents are crucial but the two should attend the counselling session as couple. Men and women should be wary of failing to satisfy each other, (kuneta pabonde) as this can lead into some people going out of the home to seek activity.
Treatment should always be sought in time from either medical practitioners or the traditional way before the problems gets out of hand.