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Dear Tete Joyie
My boyfriend — who I love to bits — is addicted to the risk of sex in public places.
He constantly dares me and we have done it in the office with his door unlocked, in the mall’s parking lot and our favourite place is in the movies.
I think I am becoming excited about the whole rush we experience even though I started out being the one to point out the risks.
Do we need help perhaps?
Tete Joyie replies:
I understand the rush and thrill of excitement at the thought of being caught.
I fear the danger and humiliation that comes with it as you could be arrested for public indecency if caught.
However, I am mainly worried when you say your boyfriend is addicted to this behaviour because if he wants to engage in sex only in such a risky way, then there might be no real connection and intimacy in your relationship.
The relationship might just be about fun and impulsiveness that you might misinterpret as spontaneity.
If it is a once-in-a-while thing, it is understandable that you want to keep the relationship exciting.
If this is how you engage sexually most of the time, then it’s a cause for concern.
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Brother-in-law has another family
Dear Tete Joyie
My sister has recently discovered that her husband has got another family in Chimanimani.
It looks like he has paid lobola for both women.
He wants to call a family meeting with all the elders but my advice to her is that she must just leave the lying husband.
Am I being too harsh?
Tete Joyie replies:
It is always offensive when a partner makes serious lifetime decisions on another partner’s behalf without their consent.
A decision that may involve children, lifetime financial and emotional investments.
A day when this partner is no longer alive, what a mess he would have left behind for other people to have to deal with.
This makes him a selfish and inconsiderate person.
Would you then want to continue investing in that kind of a person or future?
How did he pay lobola for both women in the first place?
Did the family allow him to pay lobola to both women without informing your sister?
How are they going to have her best interest at heart now if they didn’t have the courtesy to involve or inform her then?
Your sister is a victim of ambush polygamy.
She may be hurting greatly at the moment.
Please, support her.
Her judgment may also be clouded by feelings.
Her husband has been very dishonest, however, it’s her decision to stay or leave.
Let her call the family meeting. Even if she will end up leaving, this is necessary for closure.
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Feel like sabotaging my own marriage
Dear Tete Joyie
I’ve been with my husband since we were 19. We’re both 35 now and have two children.
Things are actually great now, although they weren’t always and we went through a very rocky period in our 20s when he cheated with several women.
I think it was the pressure of being a young dad and feeling as if he had to join in with what his single mates were doing — clubbing, drinking and hooking up with women.
It was like he had something to prove to himself and to them.
We managed to get through it and now he couldn’t be more different — he is a brilliant dad, a great husband and we’re best friends and soulmates again.
But now I seem to want to sabotage all that because I keep thinking about the past and what he did, and feel very insecure and quite angry.
I keep asking myself if I did anything to make him stray.
I’m ashamed to say I’ve checked his phone and computer, but not found anything incriminating.
And I constantly worry about whether he still finds me attractive after all these years and if it’s just a matter of time before he cheats again.
I just wish I could let go of the past and trust him completely.
Things are good, so why do I feel like this?
Any advice?
Tete Joyie replies:
I think because things are so good, you’re terrified of something coming along and blowing it all out of the water.
You’ve got a lot to lose.
It sounds to me as if he’s really got himself together and is in a good place, but perhaps you still don’t feel you got the answers you needed when you found out about his cheating.
Maybe that’s what’s bugging you and making you feel insecure.
Talk to him and admit how you’re feeling; you don’t have to be confrontational, but it’s okay to explain that you feel insecure and worry about ending up in the same situation as before.
Hopefully, it’ll open a dialogue and he’ll be able to reassure you and answer any questions that are still nagging you.
But please don’t blame yourself for your husband’s cheating. My first husband cheated on me and I blamed myself, but it was nothing to do with me, and your husband’s cheating was nothing to do with you either, he’s responsible for it.
It might be a good idea to have some relationship therapy to talk about that crisis point in your marriage and why it happened, and then move on from it.
If you decide to forgive someone and stay in the relationship, then you can’t keep raking up the past or your relationship won’t stand a chance.
If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself, WhatsApp 0716 069 196 and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write in remain anonymous
Online Reporter