Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
DEAR AMAI, I am a widow in my seventies. My late husband was a very rich man and I inherited almost everything after he passed away. I have two married daughters and six grandchildren, all of whom live abroad.
We visit each other regularly and enjoy our family time. I have recently found a man who wants to marry me and I truly believe it is out of true love. However, my daughters and siblings are not convinced.
I do not want to be treated like a child; I informed them about my intentions out of respect, as I could have simply gone ahead and done as I pleased. I am very upset and I do not want to lose this guy.
Response
Greetings dear writer. I am very sorry about the passing away of your husband. I am happy that you still make time for each other with your family.
Inasmuch as you are an adult, it is still good to take advice from people close to you without becoming overly emotional. Remarrying in your 70s is quite rare, which is likely a cause for concern for your children and siblings.
I have a few questions that I would want you to ponder and come up with honest answers before you reach a decision. Why are they saying no to your idea of getting married?
How old is your lover? What type of marriage are you getting into? What plans are in place for your estate? How financially stable is your lover? Last but not least, I would like you to analyse things like a senior citizen and not like a teenager. Please keep me posted.
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I’m under pressure
Dear Amai, I hope this letter finds you well. I am a 40-year-old married woman and a mother of two girls. I am currently expecting another child and I hope this will be my last.
My husband constantly talks about how different our marriage would be if I had given him a son. This reckless talk deeply upsets one of my daughters, who is very sensitive. She once asked if her dad was not happy to have them in his life. Because of this, I have asked my doctor to withhold the baby’s gender until birth.
I do not have the usual excitement of an expectant mother because I am very anxious about what the future holds. He has already named the child Emmanuel.
The other day, he even mocked me, stating that if this child is a girl, he will change my name to “Mai vaTrio” since the number of girls will have increased to three. Amai, I am unhappy and I do not know what to do.
Response
I am very well, thank you for asking. Your letter made me incredibly sad. Every parent needs to understand that children are gifts from God and should be appreciated regardless of their gender.
Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Your husband’s behaviour is very ill-mannered. At a time like this, the entire family should be happily awaiting the newborn’s arrival.
I do not want to lecture you on biology, but a baby boy is only conceived when the male partner produces a Y chromosome, as he has both X and Y chromosomes, while the female partner only has X chromosomes.
Technically, it is grossly unfair to blame one party for a child’s gender. The science of it all is unpredictable. Do not be anxious; take it one step at a time.
Your good health is of paramount importance. Sit down with your husband and have a candid talk.
Inform him of how his remarks are affecting the family. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Utterly confused
Dear Amai, thank you very much for your Sunday Mail column. I find it both educational and interesting.
I am a 30-year-old man, currently not in a relationship. My past experiences have left a very bad taste in my mouth, prompting me to decide to remain single for the time being.
In my view, many young women today have become overly materialistic.
It seems they do not care whether a person is married, sick, old or uneducated — what matters most to them is money.
As a young man, I find myself confused. I cannot meet these demands and I do not know what to do.
To put it simply, my question is: How can I measure true love? Are there any genuine partners out there?
Response
Dear Big Fan, thank you for reaching out and for supporting the column. I am sorry for what you have been through and I hope your previous relationships have not made you lose hope entirely.
It is unfortunate that you are generalising most young women in this way.
However, I noticed that you did not mention much about how you treated your previous partners or how you chose them — your account is one-sided.
One swallow does not make a summer. I am not defending women who prioritise money and material provisions for a relationship to work. These things are hard-earned and often come at a price.
However, I firmly believe that genuine women still exist and that true love can still be found.
When you do decide to fall in love again, I suggest seeking guidance from a relationship coach.
They can help you better understand matters of the heart and navigate relationships with clarity. Stay principled and open-minded.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
Tinaye Agere
Online Reporter