Dealing with the rigours of fatherhood

woken up and made good your escape while the whole family is in deep slumber for fear of being nagged? Has there been an incident in which you took offence at someone calling your name within a creditor or a landlord’s ear-reach?
If your answer to most of these questions is in the negative, then the rigours of fatherhood are yet to catch up with you. Being a man is one thing and quite the other to be able to deliver that which is expected of you.
It’s no easy game gentle reader.
Being a man is not all about putting on a pair of trousers or entering a toilet inscribed “Varume” on the entrance. In most homes being a man is as if you have committed a crime.
There seems to be an unwritten law somewhere that men should always suffer and be made to bear the brunt of an underperforming economy.
Munhu wese pasi pano,
Unemuvengi wako, shamwari yangu,
Vazhinji kwazvo vandakanzwa vachitaura,
Kuti nhingi ndakamuzvonda pasina chaakanditadzira,
Kana Ishe Jesu vakaita muvengi, ungatadza sei kuita muvengi? sang the legendary Marshall Munhumumwe and the Four Brothers.
True to the singer’s observation, there seems to be an unrelenting and invisible force somewhere bent on throwing men on the horns of dilemma.
It’s a tale of trouble and more trouble for men while joy and love flow in abundance towards women. Masikirwo acho!
Even when robbers strike, everyone scurries for cover and leave you with nowhere to hide.
“What kind of a man are you? How can you hide in the wardrobe when the family is under attack,” friends and relatives will tell you straight in the eye even though they also ran away in the heat of the moment.
Children fighting will always say something about their father’s physical and financial stamina, making it crystal clear that men live in a world of wars.
Theirs is a battle for survival from birth straight into the grave no matter how long the period of existence on earth may be.
“Baba vangu vanemari kukunda vako usandidherere,” you hear a child shouting even when he is fighting the landlord or boss’ child.
“Mudhara,” “Ngezha,” “Dhara,” “Baba,” “Daddy,” “Fathers” and “Makeyi” are names that are commonly used in reference to the head of the house.
But these titles do not come without a cost.
You pay dearly for them and if you are not careful, troubles will haunt you to the grave just to maintain the title. It is the duty of the husband, most people believe though it is not written anywhere, to pay rent and utility bills.
Men are expected to feed and clothe the family though little attention is paid to ensure men have access to the same things they buy with cash from their own pocket. Everyone uses the toilet, but when it comes to sewage management, the matter is rested squarely on men’s shoulders.
“How come you are spending money buying clothes when the family needs food on the table? Men who are given to buying expensive clothes are not men enough. Varume chaivo havatambe mutambiro iwowo,” you hear women saying on learning the husband has bought himself a new shirt even after close to a year.
A man is expected to build a good house for the family and furnish it, though no one really cares whether they enjoy living in the same house as they will be always out looking for cash.
And the opening of a new school time is one time of the year when men feel their resilience being tested in the most difficult way.
It’s mambara to be a father.
You always wish the love game had not taken you to the chapter called marriage.
Ukangoroora chete, wopuwa mugove wenhamo.
The biggest challenge men face is that of living in a world that expects too much from them.
“Remember, I cannot be made to walk to church because I am a married woman. Why should I wear the same dress over and over again as if I do not have a husband?
“Mari yaunoshanda ndeyedu asi yangu ndeyangu,” you hear women saying to spite their husbands.
This partly explains why men take long to acquire assets like cars and houses because they would have spent a long time contending with the demands of the opposite sex.
No matter how deeply in love they may be with you, women take men as beasts of burden.
You pay for the taxi, pay for the braai, buy the drinks and have to ensure love disturbers they always have on tow in the form of friends, sisters and workmates are well catered for.
It’s rare for a child to grow over his shoes and have them replaced without the mother requesting cash to do so.
School uniforms are always a headache for men, even though their wives are gainfully employed or even run shops that produce them.
Very few women are prepared to buy food for the family without requesting from the husband.
Some will join clubs that buy food but will always demand subscriptions from the husband.
If you are a married man, half the time you are running away from women desperate to hug you.
And in most cases the hugs will not be out of love, but out of the need or prospect of gleaning something from you.
Not that Ghetto Blast shirks responsibility, but the way most men spend an ordinary day under the roofs they call home is full of trials and tribulations.
“Tirikuda mari yekutenga mabooks evana. Mati tinodya iyo rent yamakabhadhara nezuro here? Kwanai mhani imi, tinoda kuchengetwa isu,” most women brag.
Inotambika mughetto!