adminDear Coleen
I was surprised when my fiancée joined the army as she never seemed the type for such a career.
Soon after joining, she met a distinguished retired soldier at an army event, and eventually she left me for him.
He’s nearly three times her age, and to be honest I never expected their relationship to last.
But when I saw them recently, she was heavily pregnant.
Knowing we’ll never get back together has left me feeling very depressed.
I just never imagined I’d lose her this way. How can I put it behind me and get on with my life?
Coleen says
From your letter, it’s almost as if you’re still in shock.
I think that because of the huge age gap you maybe assumed she’d wake up to reality at some point and run back into your arms.
Now they’re having a child together, that’s looking very unlikely.
I know it hurts like hell and it will take time to get over completely. But accepting what’s happened and not thinking about getting back together with her will help you to move on.
As cliched as it sounds, time does heal. You feel terrible now and it’s natural to feel a sense of loss, hurt pride and anger too.
You will get to a point where you’re able to look back and not experience those horrible emotions – but you have to help things along.
Focus on your own life and creating opportunities – socially and at work.
One thing I know is that you won’t move on or meet anyone else while you’re thinking about her instead of yourself.
Dear Coleen
My boyfriend finished with me two weeks ago by sending me a short text saying he didn’t feel the same anymore and wanted to break up. That was it – no more explanation.
I was heartbroken and shocked as well. We’d been together for five years – a pretty long time in my book – and although we had our ups and downs like most couples, I didn’t think we were anywhere near the stage of splitting up.
Since then, he’s been ignoring my phone calls and all my messages. I’ve found out through friends he’s been spotted going for drinks with a female colleague, so now I suspect he’d been cheating on me with her for some time.
I want answers. I feel so angry and frustrated that he won’t communicate with me. It’s like I never existed. How can you go out with someone for five years and have so much history together, and then just cut them off with a text message?
How can I get closure and move on?
Coleen says
He’s chosen the coward’s way out and, unfortunately, mobile phones and computers make it much easier for people to avoid doing the right thing and facing the other person.
He doesn’t want to speak to you and see you crying because it’ll make him feel more of a git, which he is.
This way, he doesn’t have to face the devastation he’s caused. But, look, what talking is there to do really? He’s shown his true colours and, as harsh as it sounds, he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore and has moved on.
What he’s done is terrible, but I think you can find closure without discussing it with him.
He’s not a nice guy to do what he did and you shouldn’t want him back – that’s what you need to keep telling yourself.
He wasn’t the man you thought he was.
And, no matter what you think, you could talk to him until you’re blue in the face, but it won’t hurt any less.
The pain is strong because you were with each other for five years and now it’s over when you didn’t want it to be.
That pain will take some time to go away. As for being angry – that can be motivating.
So use it to spur you on to finding a better partner who deserves you.
Dear Coleen
My boyfriend of four years told me recently he is falling in love with someone else. He met her in February at his boxing classes and she quickly became one of his best friends – something I didn’t have a problem with.
Over the summer, pretty much everyone but him could see she had strong feelings for him. When he eventually figured it out, we would joke about it, sometimes referring to this woman as his ‘other girlfriend’. I took all of this in jest as he never showed any interest in her.
Then last week he told me he was falling in love with her, but that he hadn’t realised it until now and he couldn’t lie to me. I reacted very badly, obviously. I work long hours and he goes to this boxing class two evenings a week and at weekends, so he spends a considerable amount of time with this girl.
He seems to want everything – to keep our relationship and to keep her as a friend, but I don’t think it is possible. This revelation has changed everything, but he says not seeing her isn’t an option.
I’m confused and don’t really know how to handle the situation. While I’m glad he hasn’t physically cheated, the idea that he’s having an emotional affair with her makes me very uncomfortable and upset What can I do ?
Coleen says
He’s admitted his feelings have changed towards this woman and you already know she likes him, so of course he can’t just be friends with her – not if he wants to stay in a relationship with you.
I totally get how hurt you are. With a physical affair, it can purely be about sex – but the thought of your partner being in love with someone else is like a dagger to the heart.
It’s simply not an option for them to remain friends, and you have to be very clear about that.
If they carry on seeing each other, it would only be a matter of time before things did become physical. If he won’t agree to it then, as painful as it is, you need to walk away.
Right now, I think he’s either attempting to keep his options open in case it doesn’t work out with this girl or he’s putting the ball in your court because he doesn’t have the guts to end your relationship and he’s hoping that you’ll do it. One thing is for sure, you deserve better.- Dailymail Online.
Online Reporter