adminCrystabel Chikayi, Features Reporter
YOUNG women sit in a cafeteria, drinking off their own problems, while their friend — the bride to be — narrates to them how she met with her fiancé. They all want to hear a good love story.
“Your fiancé is from a rich family, you will be well kept,” they encourage. The bride has been dating her fiancé for a month and they have decided they are ready to build a home together.
They pledge the wedding vow, “Till death do us part” and seal the covenant with those words. Thanks to the social media, which connected the two.
Three years down the line the blissful union broke down and was sealed with a divorce.
The elderly would despise such marriages to the grave: Marriages that come from relationships nurtured via social media. Experts say social media is now a catalyst in relationships.
Chatting with someone on WhatsApp just for a week, one would know every secret and the exact position of the person’s birthmarks.
Some would say, chatting on WhatsApp makes one feel he or she has known the other person for long. Experts say that might be the cause for marriages failing and finally divorces.
Woman’s Coalition chairperson Virginia Muwanigwa said although she was not privy to actual statistics on the ground, she was convinced a lot of people were getting married without proper knowledge of one another.
She said this following the release of divorce statistics for the first half of 2016, which indicated that 1 102 couples registered to terminate their marriages at the High Court in Harare and Bulawayo alone.
“These numbers have something to do with sociological issues. It really points to an issue of people not knowing the reasons why they enter into marriage because most of these break-ups are as a result of couples not being compatible with each other and having so many differences. You will note that as a result of incompatibility, couples end up engaging in violence and the end result is divorce,” Muwanigwa said.
Mrs Albertina Chifeya who is on separation with her husband, whom she has been married to for five years, said her husband has girlfriends and humiliates her by sending the pictures of his girlfriends on WhatsApp.
“My husband is not employed and is hooking up with rich single and married women. Instead of supporting our child he continuously breaks my heart by sending me pictures of his different girlfriends on a daily basis on my WhatsApp. He also changes his profile pictures at least three times a day, parading his lovers,” said Mrs Chifeya.
She says her husband would send the pictures and tell her to compare herself with the girlfriends.
“We have had arguments, all married people do, but he chose to humiliate me by being adulterous,” said Mrs Chifeya.
Mr Nobert Chifeya said his wife deserves the treatment he is giving her.
“My wife did not treat me well in our marriage that is why I left her for girlfriends. If we are to compare her with my girlfriends, she is the poorest and ugliest, apart from her being older than me,” said Mr Chifeya.
He said his wife’s salary was much less than that of his girlfriends. Mr Chifeya said he hooks up with businesswomen and girls from affluent families who were better than his wife.
“I only respect my wife because she is the mother of my child but her lack of education causes her to be troublesome in my life,” he said.
The Matrimonial Causes Act Chapter 5:13 allows one party to divorce the other for adultery, hence Mrs Chifeya’s decision to divorce her husband for having girlfriends is justified.
According to the Act marriage is “a contract which if breached there are remedies either in suing for adultery depending on the circumstances or getting a divorce. An appropriate court may grant a decree of divorce on the grounds of irretrievable break-down of the marriage if it is satisfied that the marriage relationship between the parties has broken down to such an extent that there is no reasonable prospect of the restoration of a normal marriage relationship between them”.
Recently a Bulawayo couple appeared in court for divorce because of sexual starvation. Mr Jairos Jiri Ngorima (87) said he wanted nothing to do with his wife, Etta Ngorima, since she refused to have sex with him. Mr Ngorima said they have been married for 52 years and had not had sexual relations for 29 years.
He said he could not take the stress of deprivation any longer as his 71-year-old wife had allegedly lost the urge for the bedroom game. Mrs Ngorima was dragged to the court after she applied for a protection order against her husband.
She said her husband was also physically and verbally abusing her while accusing her of infidelity and practising witchcraft. Mr Ngorima argued that the protection order was a way of deserting him. He said he thought it wise for them to terminate the marriage.
A cultural commentator, Mr Bekezela Dube said traditionally there was no divorce. He said tradition worked hard to ensure that marriages do not fail.
“The paying of bride price (lobola) was a contract. It was like a contract which was respected. The livestock or money that the man gave to his in-laws were like goods handed over to a trustee by a trust. The parents and relatives of the newlyweds would keep their sides of the bargain by making sure the marriage worked,” said Mr Dube.
These days, he said, people do not understand the union and the whole process and essence of getting married. Mr Dube said people have abandoned cultural values and went on to think that paying lobola is buying a person.
“People are very confused now. What they do not understand is that a person is priceless, you cannot buy a person. If you want to see that a person is priceless, reflect on the ancient days. Culturally, if one was killed, the murderer was never forgiven. The issue was only solved if a woman from the murderer’s family came to pay for the sin by bearing another child for the family whose member was killed,” he said adding that divorce was treated with stigma.
“Actually couples fought and at times the wife wayemuka (would flee back to her parents’ home). When that happened, the wife’s aunties would be instrumental in giving her counselling. The man got counselling and guidance from his uncles. These aunts and uncles were very old people who knew the culture.
“After giving the couple counselling separately, the wife’s aunts would take her back to her home where the elders from the man and the woman’s side would sit down with the couple and solve whatever problems they had.”
Mr Dube said if the couple’s problems increased and the wife gave up and refused to be with the husband, a certain amount from the lobola would be given back by her parents.
“Today it is the man (omukayo) who runs away from home,” he said.
Mr Dube said modern counselling that is found everywhere was only offered by the elderly in the family. He said traditional counselling ensured that family problems remained private and were not exposed to everyone.
“Today things have changed, when a couple quarrels they run to the courts. Families no longer have those aunts and uncles that embraced culture.
Even if the elderly are still there, they have no say above the law, once the couple gets a divorce, the elderly keep their wisdom as it won’t be relevant once the law passes its judgement,” he said.
President Mugabe recently added his voice on the discourse, expressing concern over the divorce rate in the country. He urged couples who face problems to approach elders for counselling rather than resorting to divorcing.
“Couples could have problems but that is why we recommend that there should be wiser sisters within the family to assist. I suppose the majority of cases, we men are responsible. We marry small houses far too often.
‘‘In other cases, it is just the fact of prestige, to say you only have one and I have two. Then you find a man boasting about having two wives,” he said.
The President bemoaned how fast the marriages were ending and discouraged girls and women from dating married man.
Mr Dube said culturally, polygamy was allowed and believed this approach helped curb adultery and marriage failures.
“When a woman lost interest in the bedroom or when her husband had eyes on another woman, the matter would be discussed by the couple. The wife would approach the woman envied by her husband and ask her to be the second wife. The first wife would still be the one calling the shots, that is why in Shona they call her vahosi,” he said.
Mr Dube said most women today give the excuse that their men are not satisfying them in bed when they appeal for divorces yet that would not be the case.
“The absence of elders from the family who give counselling is what leads to sexually related excuses. When the elders are there, they will question what exactly has led to the woman not being satisfied.
“There is always a bigger problem, which would have offended the wife to the extent that she will hate the husband and will not appreciate him in all he does even sexually.
“Without elderly persons giving counselling to the couple they are prone to hating each other all the way to court to end the marriages.”
— @cchikayi
Online Reporter