adminFreedom Mutanda
Watching a documentary one day, this writer noted that it is not only African traditions that put the lives of women at risk in any given situation; Europeans and Eastern countries are also guilty of looking down upon women resulting in them not enjoying their lives to the full like their male counterparts.
The revered ancient manuscript, The Hammurabi, called upon women to put a veil; that could mean that there was hell to pay if they didn’t follow that instruction. In India, whenever a lady lost her husband, she had to burn herself at her husband’s funeral pyre. Inhuman? Tradition did not look at that in that way but one could see the anomaly in the dispensing of justice.
If ever a woman committed adultery, she would pay the price through death but nothing was done to the other part of the equation who went away scot free. In my view, that was extremely evil because it takes two to tango.
Media reports talk about a man who use acid to fix a woman who had expressed her willingness not to continue with an affair and she was not allowed to get out of an abusive relationship. Interestingly, the men of the cloth are caught up in these love triangles and they don’t take it lying down. The UCCZ reverend beat up the girl while the other man of God decided to misuse acid much to the consternation of their congregants.
A woman, in the traditional setting, did not have a say in matters related to the bedroom. If she tried to ask for more, like Oliver Twist, the man asked where she got the tips and she was beaten. At the end of the day, the woman mourned quietly for fear that she would be looked at by the wider society as a whore.
Sex was established by God for the exclusive pleasure of married people and it is incumbent upon everyone in a marriage set-up to register in their hearts of hearts that communication and not knobkerries makes the bedroom a pleasant place to be for every member of a marriage union.
Gender-based-violence is not a preserve of the female victim mentality; of course, there are instances when men are victims of violence at the hands of the women. I would like to talk about how women and men perpetuate violence by their actions.
It is not the woman’s fault that she is hurt by a man.
Family members encourage her to remain at her home because of the children.
“Mwanangu, gara ipapo. Vana vako vanozochengetwa ndiani?’’ Her mother gingerly advise her child.
Loosely translated, it means, “my child, stay put. Your children need someone to look after them.’’ Coming from a mother, it makes sense to a woman who is in a bad relationship to remain a pliant victim.
Women are sometimes authors of their demise. It is at such times that women have to call a spade a spade. Fondling the truth will not help the woman at all.
There is a perceived bad blood between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. In a world where everyone wants to stop gender violence, mothers-in-law need to rein in their sons. However, one finds these women failing to find common ground with their daughters-in-law and fight against a common enemy and that is gender based violence which is anathema to any right thinking person.
For starters, a mother schools her son on the importance of respecting womankind. Watching Indian dramas or soap operas, one is touched by the kind of strength held against the son by his mother. He does not raise his hand against his mother. That’s what I call ‘nuff’ respect to women and the Indian culture. If the Indians can give such great respect to women, we can do the same here in Zimbabwe.
The bible says, train a boy very well and he will never shy away from that until his dying day. In this instance, we take the son literally. Boys need to be exposed to good morals from the time they grow up.
Men themselves should look at their modus operandi when they deal with conflicts in the family. When you raise your hand against the woman, what will your children think about you? Will your son or daughter think you are a great dad in the world? As they hear their mother’s screams, what goes on in their minds?
One may argue that gender-based-violence has consequences that are too ghastly to contemplate for the children? Their academic pursuits may be put at risk as they think more about the negative violence at home than the business of working hard at school. Children have a long memory. There could be a cyclic effect; children want to emulate their parents; it is not only in walking and speaking habits that children copy their parents.
They may be future wife abusers as they think that there is nothing wrong with beating up a wife. The reverse is true if it is the wife who habitually beats up her husband. Children don’t learn when callous deeds are perpetrated against their parents.
Equally, if the mother remains mum as the violence is perpetrated, her daughter will find nothing in abuse if ever she gets married. One can see the past catching up with the present.
Time has come for women to say “No’’ to gender based violence by demonstrating in various communities about the evil nature of the practice. Demonstrations must be accompanied by opening up of those who have been through that but have decided to name and shame good for nothing men who treat women as if they are nonentities.
Non Governmental Organizations who are at the forefront of these campaigns have to go to Kazozo, Makoho, Jotsholo and many other so-called back of the beyond areas and empower these women. Remaining in hotels or lodges is tantamount to privatising the message of non-violence in the marriage situation.
At the risk of being labelled a male chauvinist pig, I want my sister, the good marriage doctor, to define marital rape to me. Is it normal for a woman to deprive her husband his conjugal rights and cry wolf when the man ‘rapes’ her. Recently, in the courts, a man claimed that his wife literally went to bed fully clothed until morning.
Hear me out, I am against violence against women but what does the woman want the husband to do under the circumstances? Food for thought.
Don’t shoot the messenger please.
Please tell me, what will become of men who are mentally tortured by their wives and society remain ensconced in its shell as if nothing untoward is happening?
Whispers inevitably become very loud when a man is seen doing household chores almost on a daily basis.
“Ah uya here, wakadyiswa. How can he do household chores?’’ (You are talking about that one. He is a victim of a love potion. How can he do household chores?)
Many people have an ostrich mentality. As long as they are not affected, they don’t give help even when they are neighbours of an abusive spouse.
This see no evil, hear no evil mantra is really detrimental to a gender based violence free world.
For many men, it is cowardly to tell other people such as counsellors that they are in an abusive relationship.
Opening up to members of the family may offer some relief albeit temporary but getting proper counselling will help in the long run.
Online Reporter