Online Reporter
Dear Tete Joyie:
I love my husband so much, he takes care of me, and he provides for the family.
The problem is that he loves intimacy everyday while I don’t I want it occasionally.
I have tried to tell him that, but he only understands for a week, and the next week he will start again. How best can I deal because part of me gets angry.
Tete Joyie Says:
It is clear that you care deeply for your husband and appreciate how he takes care of you and the family. It also sounds like you are facing a significant challenge in terms of balancing your differing sexual desires, and it is understandable that this could create frustration or even anger when your needs are not being met.
Here are some approaches to help manage this situation in a way that respects both your feelings and your relationship:
Have a calm, honest, and compassionate conversation
Choose the right moment: Find a time when you both are relaxed and not distracted by stress or other issues. You might want to talk to him when you are both emotionally calm, and not in the middle of any tension, so the conversation can be constructive.
Express your feelings clearly: Be open and clear about your emotions without blaming him. Use “I” statements (e.g., “I feel overwhelmed when. . .”) rather than “you” statements, which can sound accusatory. For example, “I love you and I appreciate all that you do, but I feel tired and sometimes pressured when sex is expected every day.”
Acknowledge his needs: Recognise and validate his sexual needs as well. Let him know you understand that sex is important to him, and that you want to be close to him, but that your needs are different.
Reaffirm your boundaries: It is crucial to communicate your boundaries and make it clear that you’re not always in the mood. If he persists, kindly but firmly reaffirm your boundaries without guilty. You are allowed to have boundaries around intimacy, just as he is allowed to express his needs.
Find other ways to connect: Intimacy does not have to be just about sex. Find ways to connect emotionally and physically that don’t always involve intercourse. Cuddling, kissing, holding hands, or just spending quality time together can help fulfil his need for closeness while respecting your need for space.
Avoid anger or resentment: When he continues to ask for sex after you have already expressed your needs, it is natural to feel frustrated or angry. However, allowing this to escalate into anger can create a cycle of tension and make the issue worse. Take a step back when you feel upset, and try to express your feelings calmly rather than react impulsively.
Self-care: Make sure you are taking care of yourself, both emotionally and physically. If you are feeling drained or overwhelmed, take time for yourself —whether it is resting, engaging in activities you enjoy, or seeking support from friends or a therapist. Sometimes, lack of sexual desire can be tied to stress, exhaustion, or other life factors that might need attention.
Experiment with different forms of intimacy: Sex does not always have to be intercourse. Try experimenting with different types of sexual activity that feel comfortable for you. This could mean exploring new ways to be intimate that don’t feel like a daily obligation for you, but can still fulfill his need for closeness and sexual connection.
Make intimacy a shared experience: You might find that when intimacy is based on mutual understanding and emotional connection, rather than feeling like an obligation, it may become more enjoyable for both of you. This could mean focusing more on emotional closeness, trust, and being present for each other.
Identify the source of your low desire: Consider if there are underlying issues that might be contributing to your lower desire. Sometimes, issues like stress, emotional distance, past trauma, or physical exhaustion can impact sexual desire. Understanding the root cause might help you communicate your needs more effectively and find ways to work through them.
Balance your relationship: Reflect on the balance in your relationship. Does your husband understand your emotional and physical needs outside of sex? Building a deeper emotional connection can often make physical intimacy feel more fulfilling.
Ultimately, the key to resolving this issue is open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to find compromises that work for both of you. It is important that both of you feel heard and valued in your relationship, and that your emotional and physical needs are taken into account.
If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, WhatsApp 0716069196, and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write in remain anonymous
