adminAnn Ruthenburg Wedding Diary
HELLO there everyone, I hope you had a great week. I am in a terrible rush myself to make sure that before year end which is less than two months I will have all my relations issues sorted. There is nothing worse than entering the new year knowing there are issues walking with you into the new year – I hate that!
Anyway, this seems to be applying to my column. I just do not seem to be able to answer everyone quick enough, so I am having to try and see what messages or emails seem to have a common question and that is how I am answering – phew! I really hope by year end I would have answered 90 percent of you. Lol.
This week I am answering a question or a number of questions that seem to lead many couples to the conclusion that their marriage is over, or that they are no longer in love with each other – the different types of love.
It amazes me how many couples get stuck in their “He/She doesn’t love me anymore”.
When someone says that, I need to go deeper into that statement, because on its own it means nothing and can be very deceiving.
Too many people look at the outcome of true love as being sex. If you want to end your relationship quickly, or if you want to build your relationship on a fake foundation – base it on sex.
It is going to have a painful end. Love according to the Greeks is not complete unless it is divided into its four main components. These components come in the form of Agape, Philia, Storge and Eros. If a couple can understand these different stages in their marriage, then marriages will last forever, because they weather the storms. So let me explain each one as we go.
First, a couple needs to remember that you cannot survive on Eros – sexual love every day, even a man who loves sex all the time, needs to take a break sometime.
Do not let the movies fool you. And even a couple who enjoy sex will come to a season where they are not able to have sex as often, or they may not be as compatible as they usually are in a certain area and hence will not feel like sharing their bodies with each other. But it is not just sex, it is other things as well, so let us unpack it here.
In the beginning, a couple can’t keep their hands off each other (Eros). Then life settles down and they move in-between the four different types of love seasoning or even daily depending on what they are going through as individuals or as a family. So let us explain briefly what these different love emotions are:
FOUR DIFFERENT LEVELS OF LOVE
AGAPE – Brotherly Love, charity, the love of God for a man or a man for God. (1 Corinthians 13)
This love has no sexual connotations and has no expectations. It’s a love that’s accepts you as you are, no self benefit, and the person giving it does not care if it is returned or not. Like a parent to it’s child, like a sister to a brother, husband to a wife.
The best way to explain this love is that it is unconditional.
This is the kind of love that should be in a marriage all the time no matter what. Even if sex is not being exercised often, as long as you respect and honour each other, in time intimacy will return.
EROS – Sexual love between a husband and a wife. Love with passion. Intimate love. It can also be expressed in a couple who are dating.
The attachment in this type of love is not just physical it is spiritual. Usually when a couple gets married this is what they believe is a necessity and if it is missing, people get tense or feel cheated. Yes sex is important but it is not everything, when the sexual act is not there, the couple can still hug, hold hands, spend time together, chat, etc.
PHILIA / PHILEO – friendship type love, it is based on loyalty, familiarity, equality and virtue. Usually the type of friendship spread in friends, family, community.
A desire of enjoyment of an activity as well as between lovers. A marriage built on this love will last longer than other marriages.
Learn to enjoy each other’s company, do things together even if it is just getting an ice-cream together, or walking through the neighbourhood after work.
There is a bond that you will form that will take you through every season, trial and tribulation.
STORGE – means love, affection especially between parents and children.
It is a natural affection. One does not think about it. It is there naturally.
It also means putting up with someone’s fault or overlooking their bad issues in a loving manner. This love is very necessary when you as a couple are not happy with something the other partner is doing.
Sometimes when we are dating things your partner does are not that serious and are sometimes funny. But when we get married, the expectations on each other change especially from women.
People are expected to mature and if they don’t the other partner gets irritated or frustrated.
Storge is the love that needs to be displayed during this time, so that you see further than the persons issues.
Please note that the different loves cannot be used when abuse is on display. Love is blind, but blind does not mean stupid.
Love you all. Until next week God bless!
Anastasia can be messaged on 0772 933 845.
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