From boyhood to manhood: Buried with a rat

Growing up as a little child, I would hear angry adults shouting “uzangcwatshwa legundwane” (you will be buried with a rat)! As an innocent boy, I could not wrap my head around this statement. I noticed that this bold assertion’s recipient was reduced to insignificance.

He towed his dehumanised, defaced and devalued body from the scene ashamed and defeated. While the scorn-fouled air choked the disrespected lad, jeers and taunts from acquaintances killed his inner man.

While the statement was registering societal displeasure for not having a child, it flung growing manhood into nothingness derailing it into the dungeon of doom. It became emotional and mental darkness that could be felt and an entrance into nowhere. It forced ill-prepared young men to sleep around so that they have children who would prove their manliness.

Sliding into adulthood, my childlessness opened my eyes to see the depth of the statement. I was shattered, broken, wounded and felt like an outcast. I saw the broken pieces of my dream strewn all over the porous terrain of life. Each fragment buried itself into pits of total despair. Coiling back into the hole of helplessness, I was crushed by the heaviness of my heart. I was burdened by the embarrassment that comes with having no child. Surely, the world saw me as someone who would be buried with a rat. Sticking out my head meant being crushed by thugs of stigma.

Some without children have been bluntly told, “You will be buried with a rat.” This derogatory saying stems from an old practice where the childless were buried with a rat. These individuals would not become helpful mediums because they left no offspring behind. This was done so that these individuals would not become malevolent spirits that would cause havoc in the community. Secondly, there was a superstitious belief that childless individuals would need company in the grave. Thirdly, this was meant to register societal displeasure for failing to perpetuate the family lineage.

In African ideology, every married individual must have children. Their birth is believed to prolong the spiritual connection between the living and the dead. In concurrence, Kenyan-born Christian philosopher and writer John Samuel Mbiti wrote,

“The living are the link between death and life. Those to be born are the buds in the loins of the living and marriage makes it possible for them to germinate and sprout.” Consequently, being childless severs this connection with the spirits of the departed elders.

My goal is to kick out the rat society wants to tie to my back. I refuse to die without birthing something. It may not be a biological child, but it is something that will better the world. By sharing my journey with you, I desire to encourage someone who may be experiencing childlessness physically like me or feeling the emptiness in his life.

You may be hearing negative sentiments and told you will be buried with a rat. This is the time to boot the rat off your back because you are more important than a rodent. Muse on the words of this poem I wrote in response to the “buried with a rat mentality”:
More Important than A Rodent
Your story has been inked in pain
Included in the list of the insane
Who makes love but in vain
With clouds that bring no rain
Inflating the scoffers’ gain
For the thing you cannot attain
You can still cut across the grain.
In a loud voice pronounce the claim.
I’m more important than a rodent.
Your adjective has been impotent.
By those whose lenses see a rodent.
Helpless but cunningly malevolent.
Inviting the spirits of the violent.
Leaving the situation inconvenient.
For the building of anything important.
Your child may be non-existent.
Your spirit must be persistent.
Ignoring the willingly insentient.
And on the positives be insistent.
On the mantra of the resilient.
I’m more important than a rodent.
Though accused of an evil spell.
And ditches on which you fell.
A new page you can still pen.
A lovely story you can still tell.
Though your sons can’t be ten.
A door of providence is open.
That others ignore most often.
The weak you can strengthen.
The arrogant you can frighten.
By singing the warrior’s anthem.
I’m more important than a rodent.

*Sikhumbuzo Dube is a pastor, chaplain, counsellor and founder of Shunem Care, a ministry to the involuntarily childless and emotionally wounded people. He has published several articles on spiritual care, mental health, chaplaincy and involuntary childlessness.