From Boyhood to Manhood: Pursuing fatherhood as manhood Part 2

All the expectation vanished into thin air as the heavy watery sheath unwound itself towards the western horizon leaving the scorching celestial flaming bulb furiously hanging over helpless souls. Like an inspired fire in the woodlands, the sun leaked all the green in the expectant leaves turning them into paleness. It tormented the plants, animals and humans alike.

The green stalks reclined towards the ground as they discoloured. They hunched downwards as if begging the soil to squeeze out the life-giving liquid into their dehydrated cells. The spell of doom was felt as each belt of hot air waved past sapping the remaining humidity.

Like the shrill of invoked demons, the drought yelled at the defenceless souls. Another year of scarcity greeted the village. It frowned over the country dwellers and lingered longer than expected. Little did they know that more years of emptiness would relentlessly beacon each other.

Suggestions on stopping the drought were sprouting from every panic-stricken mouth. They grew louder with each passing year. Some who had faced hunger for years told the inexperienced ones that they had supreme suggestions that worked for them. Others laughed at the amateurish villagers who looked at drought differently and creatively found ways to live with it.

The pursuit of fatherhood in my early years of marriage was like trying to alter the sky and forgetting the ground. Pain so blinded me that I could not tell the difference between the things I could control and those that I couldn’t. In the eyes of many, my union was clouds with no rain. The pursuit of fatherhood became four things to me that I have transformed because of healing the wounded self.

From harrowing halt to halting the harrowing

The impossibility of having a child became a harrowing halt to the progress of my life. The likely list of names for our expected children became void. This broke my heart. However, this harrowing halt metamorphosed into halting the harrowing. Instead of being stuck in the pain of childlessness, I was empowered to use it as a tool to reduce the pain in other people’s lives.

Had this not happened, I suppose I would have been less sensitive to what other people are going through. Instead of seeing childlessness as a ton of bricks blocking my progress, I found it as valuable material for building a cathedral of healing the hurt, and yes halting the harrowing. You would not be reading this article, if there was no harrowing halt which grew into halting the harrowing.

From worthless walk to walking wealthily

The mirage effect that hits the thirsty desert traveller is an undeniable experience in my journey. The inconclusiveness of the infertility restoration exercise makes it a worthless walk.

However, a fresh look at the closed door of fertility, aroused a realisation that not all entrances should swing open to everyone, some will be shut to help us realise other open ones that we can freely use. This transformed my worthless walk into walking wealthily.

Instead of focusing on a pursuit that drains financially, socially, psychologically, and emotionally, I invested my resources into something more rewarding. Walking wealthily means choosing a pathway that is fulfilling to your wellbeing as opposed to chasing the wind of fatherhood. It is realising that manhood is not validated by fatherhood.

From pain that pastors to pastoring the pained

Pastoral work is filled with what I can call loss reminders. In such instances, it becomes the pain that leaps out to pastor the parishioners. The danger is that I can bleed on the helpless members. Unconsciously, I may seek therapy from those in need of my care. In that moment, I become either vulnerable to the church members or they become exposed to the ruthless effects of a bleeding heart.

In the previous article, I explained that when I discovered that I would have to live with such tokens of lost manliness in my pastoral work, I chose Henri Nouwen’s classical image of pastoral care called the wounded healer. I must bandage my wounds by dressing the lacerations of others. Instead of allowing the pain to pastor, I pastor the pained. It is easier for me to notice a bleeding wound as I am bandaging my own hurts.

From shame of sharing to shining when sharing

It is embarrassing to share such stories. I remember the first time I went public about my situation, I felt defiled. I blamed myself for clicking the share button. It was as if the whole world now knew that I was less of a man. What some held in pride, became an imaginary picture of a situation that would never be possible.

While taboo, humiliation, the stigma and shame associated with it makes it “holy ground”. I have practically learnt that sharing is caring. People beat their paths to my door, because of the existence of a personal wound that they can relate to. Instead of being reduced to an attention seeking sharer, I have seen the beauty that comes with sharing.

I have been privileged to author book chapters, articles, and do research in involuntary childlessness because of a transformation from the shame of sharing to shining while sharing.

Years of drought should not deter us from positivity. If we cannot change the sky, we can work on the ground. What others achieve with minimal effort, should not reduce us to nobodies.

When I learnt that the pursuit of fatherhood as manhood would drain me, I chose to look at other equally important aspects of manhood that I could pursue. When one door closes, look for a window.

*Sikhumbuzo Dube is a pastor, chaplain, counsellor and founder of Shunem Care, a ministry to involuntarily childless and emotionally wounded people. He has published several articles on spiritual care, mental health, chaplaincy and involuntary childlessness.