From Boyhood to Manhood: The Journey Beyond ‘Doghood’

It was promising to be a bright day for the crew of village hunters. Their dogs panting with excitement, tails wagging vigorously and nose pointing sideways, downwards and upwards interchangeably. Whistles of conquest filled the air.

Clubs, bows and arrows were in the hands of the happy young men. Off they went to the bush for a hunting expedition.

The lads spread in different directions to confuse their prey. One young man went straight ahead as others went in opposite directions. He crossed the thick vegetation that was ahead of him. A stone’s throw away, he saw a sleeping deer. Attracted and intending not to disturb it, he slowly moved towards it avoiding shuffling. Even the sound of the leaves under his feet was to be avoided.

The deer was in deep sleep. He was getting close to his target. His heart pounded in anticipation. His hands were sweating in expectation. When he was an inch towards his prey, he raised his spear and thrust it into the belly.

As the spear buried itself with great fury pinning the helpless animal to the ground, a huge constrictor fell from a tree above the young man and coiled itself around his neck. Helpless, breathless, confused and nearly unconscious, he thought it was the end of his life.

His friends heard his shrill from a distance and came running. They saw him struggling. They put all their efforts to release their friend from the coiling snake. Any delay would lead to his death.

Masculinity myths have fallen on men’s necks. Their destructive nature should not be underestimated. Their trail of ruin is seen years after their carrier can no longer be saved from their coiling effect. The saddening part is that most of these myths are seen as virtues of a real man when they are not. One such myth is “men are dogs.”

Upward mobility, materialism, the collapse of communalism and an upsurge of individualism—where a child is no longer raised by the village are some of the several factors that cause the strengthening of this and other myths.

Globalisation that has led to the disappearance of personal culture cannot be left out. Exposure to the media and the amount of misinformation that comes with it compounds the problem. A young man dealing with past unhealed wounds, skewed family of origin influences or misapplied religious principles may be coiled by this myth.

The pressure becomes tighter as negative voices emanating from society, parents, significant others and us drown the soft, kind and spirit-led conscious. The crowd will always win when the inner man fails to stand his ground.
There are socially constructed pillars upon which this myth is built:

A Man Must Always Win

My goal is not to say a man must be some namby-pamby, banana backboned, wishy washy, easily beaten and a never-do-well male figure. I intend to bring the damaging effects of this ideology. While it is it great to become the best in all we do, a man who has not done what others do will feel less of a man based on this notion.

The sex orgies that were called “vuzu parties” thrive on this winning mentality. If a young man can sleep with more girls, he is the king. However, the guilt that comes after the win does not compensate the void that is created by trying to find happiness between the sheets.

A man must not always win. There are times he will be knocked. Teaching our young man to never lose is setting them up for a life of regrets. They should know that we will not always get what we want but we should strive for the best.

There’s No Man Who Doesn’t Cheat

This ideology has coiled many men and women. At bridal showers, some women ill-advise the bride-to-be. They tell her to expect that her husband is going to cheat. At the same time young men are told, it’s okay when you are not caught.

There is still a generation of men who do not cheat on their wives. They are a generation of real men who respect the bodies of their wives by not sharing what is conjugally theirs with other women. They do it for love and not for the law. They respect the marriage and keep it undefiled. This is the world of real men. You can be one.

Women Owe Men Sex

Skewed social ideology suggests that women are sex objects. The reason why the pornography industry thrives is because women have been objectified into sex machines. This notion replaces love with wild lust. The man becomes a dog that hunts for every female on heat. Life becomes a pursuit of sexual fulfilment from the wrong places.

Workplaces, churches and schools, become fertile grounds for quenching lewdness. Men are not dogs—let’s change this narrative.

*Sikhumbuzo Dube is a pastor, chaplain, counsellor and founder of Shunem Care, a ministry to the involuntarily childless and emotionally wounded people. He has published several articles on spiritual care, mental health, chaplaincy and involuntary childlessness.