From Boyhood to Manhood: Vulnerability or Volatility

Thugs from the pit of despair continued to pound his head heavily. Onlookers on life’s highway called him a cry-baby and an attention seeker. His heart was bleeding, yet an occasional smile danced across his face. It was interchanging with anger ridges that disfigured his face. The expression of what he was going through was met with, Qina uyindoda — be strong, you are a man!

The thugs started chanting slogans of hopelessness, withdrawal, suicide and meaninglessness. They were joined by pity-party makers who celebrated the meaninglessness of life. They dulled his reasoning and negatively hyped him towards ending his journey on earth. Conflicting thoughts on the sanctity of life and its meaninglessness were heightened by uncontrollable pessimism that clogged his brain.

His self-talk became toxic and none seemed to care. The numbness he felt seemed to mark his last day on earth. He felt that if he became vulnerable to someone, then he would be judged and considered a weak man. He decided to walk this journey alone. With no one to talk to, he poured his heart onto a piece of paper. Each syllable was inked in pain. In a language that was soaked in emotions, he wrote his final departure note. The pile of tablets was on his table and a 100ml bottle of pesticide was ready to be used.

In the previous article, I wrote about the courage to confront your situation and being vulnerable. Because of fearing the scorn that comes from society, men choose to keep things to themselves and eventually become volatile instead of being vulnerable. Their emotions change for the worst without notice. The internal pile up of negative encounters makes them prone to suicide. The experiencing of untoward circumstances without positively responding to them renders them incapable of withstanding the negative internal pressure.

Suicide cases are on the rise. According to an article by Chronicle on 11 March, “Mpilo Central Hospital in Bulawayo (had) recorded a 254 percent increase in attempted suicide cases.”

Professor Solwayo Ngwenya cited, “underlying childhood problems, family disintegration and marriage disputes” as issues that need attention to reduce this challenge. According to the 2022 World Health Organisation report, 1,8 percent of the deaths in Zimbabwe are caused by suicide. In this report, men have the highest prevalence.

Men should choose between volatility, which is the tendency to instantly change for the worse or vulnerability, which is being open to talk about things that bother them. The latter is not an easy thing. As Kevin A Davidson of “Mindful Masculinity” puts it, “Vulnerability is real courage.” However, while it drains a lot of energy, it restores it doubled. There are three ways to be vulnerable. These are drawn from my personal experience with male childlessness.

Levels of Vulnerability

I speak about vulnerability in its positive sense. This is not where an individual is exposed to danger but where a man is able to split the pride-cased shell and become real to what they are facing. This starts with being realistic to self. When someone suggests that they have a friend who needs a listening ear, I do not immediately say, bring them over here. I make sure that the person in need of care appreciates that they need care. They must be vulnerable to themselves first.

Vulnerability to Self

When a problem strikes, people sometimes start with self-disgust. They wonder why they are on planet earth. They question their usefulness at work, school, church, or family. As opposed to the popular opinion that suicidal people are just seeking attention, Karen Mason, in her book, Preventing Suicide: A Handbook for Pastors, Chaplains and Pastoral Counsellors, argues that “people die by suicide to escape pain, not to gain attention.”

If an individual decides to be open to themselves, they begin to understand themselves and what they need. In that case, they will be ready to present themselves to a therapist. They will be able to share how they feel, their fears and the impact of their painful experience — and that is what I call the sufferer’s self-disclosure.

In my childlessness journey, I had to be truthful to myself that I can’t be a biological father. I cannot force it. While self-disgust ate me up, I had to learn to tolerate the fact that I am not a father. Self-understanding and self-disclosure led me to talk to a therapist. I am grateful I did.

Vulnerability to a professional therapist

Visiting a therapist yields three important virtues, namely: self-discovery, self-love and self-care. A professionally trained therapist will be able to take you to the roots of your problems. You will discover the “why” of your actions. Someone once said, “behind every behaviour, there is a story.”

When healing takes place, self-love will replace self-disgust. Then you will be able to care for yourself.

It takes a lot for a man to visit a therapist. In my situation, it was deepened by my role as a pastor. Machoism expects a man to be strong and unresponsive to personal hurts. Church members expect a pastor to be strong. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable to a therapist. However, the desire to be able to tolerate the pain that comes with being a childless man led me to seek counselling.

Vulnerability to the World

As I stated earlier on, this is drawn from personal experience of coming to terms with my childlessness. It is not a one-size-fits all solution to suicide. However, precious jewels are embedded in it. As part of my healing journey, I was vulnerable to the world. I broke into public space, started Shunem Care — a ministry to the childless and emotionally wounded and became a World Childless Week champion. This was part of vulnerability. Not everyone needs to be vulnerable to the world. However, everyone must be vulnerable to start the healing journey.

*Sikhumbuzo Dube is a pastor, chaplain, counsellor and founder of Shunem Care, a ministry to the involuntarily childless and emotionally wounded people. He has published several articles on spiritual care, mental health, chaplaincy and involuntary childlessness.