Ghetto Blast: Local’s lekker, but can be suicidal

contours, which were complemented by maturity, a sweet voice and round eyes.
Jacob had drawn from the love pond a fish almost everyone saw suitable for a sumptuous meal.
But barely three months into the union, he is playing hide-and-seek with the in-laws. It’s a real cat-and-mouse affair. If the in-laws see him first, they pounce on him but if the opposite is true, the giant fellow makes good his escape.
Not that Jacob has committed a crime. But the in-laws appear desperate to squeeze the juice from the lemon until the pips squeak.
But Jacob is not the only one in this predicament.
Most guys who happened to find love and marry next door have similar tales.
Bvuma uri mukuwasha,
Bvuma kuombera, bvuma chete,
Kana tezvara mupfupipfupi,
Bvuma, bvuma chete,
Akakuberekera chido chemoyo,
Wakafananidzwa kare nemukuyu,
Muchero unetsengwa chero nemavende, sang the legendary Simon “Chopper” Chimbetu and his trailblazing Orchestra Dendera Kings.
And the song is not without meaning! It details the problems most men face with the in-laws regardless of distance. The problems are more pronounced for those staying close to the wife’s family.
The wife also has her complaints. Most women in such situations complain that they are usually taken for doormats.
Some men’s families take her literally for a maid demanding that she cooks for them and does their laundry even when she is sick.
If ever she is seen on her way from church, she is accused of having itchy feet and spending much of her time bed-hopping or boyfriend-hunting. Igombototo nemashura ezviratidzo!
Marrying within your community is a mistake most people do not want to make while those who are already in it are fighting hard to wriggle out of the situation. Most cultures do not take kindly to people marrying foreigners. In the Bible, one of the most powerful men to have lived, Samson, fell because of falling in love with a foreigner.
Using her powers of seduction and deception, Delilah persistently wore down Samson with her repeated requests, until he finally divulged crucial information. Having taken the Nazirite vow at birth, Samson had been set apart to God.
As part of that vow, his hair was never to be cut.
When Samson told Delilah that his strength would leave him if a razor were to be used on his head, she cunningly crafted her plan with the Philistine rulers.
While Samson slept on her lap, Delilah called in a co-conspirator to shave off the seven braids of his hair. Subdued and weak, Samson was captured.
Rather than killing him, the Philistines preferred to humiliate him by gouging out his eyes and subjecting him to hard labour in a Gaza prison.
But Samson’s is an isolated case. If you visit most ghettos today, it is not unusual to find boys and girls who grew up together taking each other’s hand in marriage.
Nyanya dzekuroora mwana wavasahwira vamai izhinji! Tafara, Mabvuku, Mbare, Mufakose, Highfield, Kuwadzana, Glen Norah and Glen View are awash with such cases.
People are marrying near where they stay, but the situation is not that rosy. If you marry next door, it means you cease to be independent and cannot exercise the same freedom you would when you were staying far away.
There is not secrecy when one marries next door.
Each problem you encounter, be it cash problems, water or electricity disconnection is never news to the in-laws.
Any marital fight is reported to the in-laws and the situation can become worse if the other families decide to sweep to their daughter’s defence.
Boys who married next door cannot roast meat and drink themselves motherless.
“Not all in-laws are bad, but staying with them next door is not a good idea. If they see you roasting meat, they feel it’s their right to be part of the occasion even when you have just invited your close friends.
“Even groceries do not last. No sane woman enjoys sitting on the lap of luxury while her family suffers. She will feel obliged to take supplies across the wall and this creates problems,” said Mr Charles Yaso, a Glen Norah-based commodity broker.
He said marrying next door was akin to confining oneself to prison.
“No free man lives next to the in-laws. If you happen to chat to any woman in the hood, sentinels are immediately dispatched to assess the nature of the conversation and the kind of relationship you have.”
Most gentlemen who marry next door gentle reader, have had the problem of being fought by in-laws demanding to know while they keep the latter’s daughter alone in the dead of the night while spending time with friends and relatives.
Most guys believe marrying next door bids upon the concerned parties to be blind and deaf to the sayings of haters.
“If you marry near where you stay, half the time people approach you with news about your husband or wife’s ex-lovers. These people will even lay claim to things that never happened all in a bid to destroy your union,” said Mr Arthur Matambo, a transporter.
Mr Matambo said the situation could even be worse if the wife’s relatives think you rely on their daughter for survival.
“Some in-laws have the problem of sponging on their daughter’s husband. They demand beer day in day out and at times demand explanations if they see him dancing in a beer hall.”
So what should we do here gentle reader.
Others accuse you of not being man enough if you marry next door.
“Wakapusa. Wakagara wakateya kare iri mudanga. Mbeva yemumusha igonzo,” you are usually told whenever you pick a quarrel with someone at the bar.
Love is an interesting game, but it can be lethal if not handled with care.
Inotambika mughetto!