Haunted by being single

 

Dear Tete Joyie:

Why am I still single?

 

I am 31-years-old, and I have been single most of my life.

 

I have had two three-month relationships and countless dates, but I can never seem to keep a girl interested.

 

I have a nice car, my own house, and I am an area manager, so I am on decent money, and I am degree educated.

 

I am currently working on losing my weight and getting the body I want.

 

My social life is not that great because I have been focusing on my work.

 

I can keep conversation going and dress well, so I just don’t get why am still single.

Tete Joyie Says:

It is a qu

andary, but appears that you will tick lots of boxes from willing and eager women out on the dating scene.

Dating is not just about being eligible physically and materially.

 

We also need to check on a few ‘E’ areas:

Expectations — Are you being unrealistic when it comes to your wish list?

Emotional availability — Are you asking questions and listening to their responses and ready to engage at an emotional level?

Empathy — Are you connecting and finding out what you have in common?

 

People like people like them.

 

We love to hang out with people that make us feel understood.

Eroticism — Are you timing your moves well?

 

Not too fast and not too slow — it probably sounds like a minefield, but by building rapport with women and practicing the power of your intuition, you will soon easily sense their rhythm and flow.

You don’t mention what happened with the past two girlfriends.

 

It is difficult to advise you without more information, but why not check out a few sessions with a good dating coach?

 

In the meantime, make a list of the girls you have dated, every single one of them.

 

Put their names on the left hand side of the page.

Now in the next column tick if you were interested in them.

In the next column, write why the connection failed.

 

Your instinct.

 

What was missing?

 

What was too much?

By looking for patterns you could uncover a simple unconscious behaviour or strategy that has been set up to protect you.

***********

Is my man cheating?

Dear Tete Joyie:

Is he cheating?

 

We have been together three years, and it has been amazing.

 

We have done everything together, seen the world, and helped each other find careers.

 

We are also the best of friends.

 

However, recently I noticed a change, the sex used to be amazing- sometimes once or twice a day up until about six weeks ago when he went on a week’s training for his new job, and came back ‘different’.

 

He won’t be intimate with me, he is moody, he is secretive.

 

I then saw a message on his phone from a family friend of his who is 20+ years older.

 

It was an explicit picture with the words “just to refresh your memory”.

 

I asked him about it, and he denied it for days until he gave in, and said they “may have kissed on a night out a few weeks ago as he bumped into her”.

 

I am not convinced, and the day he received that picture, he stayed late at work for two hours (saying the internet went down and he could process the transactions).

 

I just went to use his WhatsApp to see he has got her under a different name in his phone book, and realised the number was saved using a work colleague’s name as opposed to her real name.

 

Now I know alarm bells will be ringing at the start of this story, however, he is not the type of guy to do this.

 

He is so down to earth, honest and open with me.

 

I know him inside out, but all of these can’t be a coincidence?

 

Tete Joyie Says:

I wish I could reassure you, but I am sorry to say there is every chance that you are being Gaslighted.

 

The change in behaviour, lack of intimacy, the dishonesty, the false name . . . whatever is happening, it is time to start taking care of yourself.

 

The temptation could be to snoop and pry, but that will only make you feel worse. Step back and look at yourself, what is important to you and your relationship?

 

 

 

If you value honesty and open communication, lead from the front.

 

The explicit picture and message on its own is enough to tell you something is not right.

If you focus on him, you could find yourself caught up in a painful dance of anger and grief.

 

You will behave badly. You are triggered and hurt, likely not to like yourself very much.

 

Even more difficult to counter is the lies, the denial, you will start to feel crazy!

Gaslighting is the art of making someone doubt themselves, even when the evidence is clear.

 

Of course, you don’t want to admit to yourself that the man you have trusted and built a life with is up to no good, but when the evidence is this strong.

 

You owe it to yourself to face the painful truth and make some difficult decisions.

Put yourself and your sanity first.

 

Take time out, make space and fuel the best part of you. You need to be on your best game and feeling as strong as possible to face this unpalatable truth.

Often infidelity does most damage because we blame ourselves for not seeing it coming.

 

We stop trusting ourselves to suss people out and wall our hearts from further connection to prevent more pain.

 

Get support from your friends.

Take stock, be brutally honest with yourself – the trust has already gone – now what is your next step?

 

Only by taking control will you be able to see your future.

 

I wish you strength and courage to be the best version of you in a very difficult situation.

 

If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, WhatsApp 0716069196, and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write in remain anonymous.