adminDr Mazvita Machinga Mental Health
THE death of a loved one is difficult for everyone including children. By children I mean 0-17 years. In the last article, I talked about loss and grief from an adult’s point of view. I am glad that some of you were helped by reading this article. I received some feedback indicating how helpful the article was. This week, I am focusing on children and grief and it is my hope that it will also be helpful to many. First of all even though the signs of grief in children may be less obvious than in adults, children do grieve. Helping a child cope with loss and grief may be hardest but important things any adult will ever do. For some adults, confronting the unpleasant reality of death with a child seems an unbearable task.
Children’s responses to loss may irritate or be anxiety producing for adults. Furthermore, our own inhibitions as adults often deprive children of the chance to begin to come to grips with their loss. Because we have difficulty in understanding and accepting death, we often convince ourselves that death is beyond the grasp of children.
We sometimes see ourselves wanting to protect children from the suffering of grief by excluding them from the whole process. We do not want to scare children with our tears. While this may sound right, my experience of working with bereaved children has taught me that children tend to suffer more and feel isolated if they are excluded and not allowed to grieve too. When we allow children to express their deep feelings, it shows that they are emotionally healthy and they will heal.
At our counselling centre, we have attended to children affected by loss of their loved ones and the interaction with these bereaved children made us realise the fact that just like adults, children feel the loss of a loved one too. Children, like adults, are emotional beings and need to be told the truth. After the death of a loved one or a person known to them, children feel the impact of loss just as adults do. Sending children away from the situation of grief or ignoring their bereavement shows disrespect for their feelings and denies them their rightful grief.
Because children and teens understand death differently from adults, their reactions may be different from us adults. Some of the things they say or do may seem confusing. But what is important for all adults to know is that children’s unprocessed grief is a fertile ground for future social, mental, physical and psychological problems in their adulthood. Thus, adults have a great responsibility in helping children grieve in health and meaningful ways and doing this timeously.
During mourning times, children experience powerful and difficult feelings and they do not know how to express them. This is why they need guidance about what these feelings mean and how to cope. In the face of loss of a special person in their lives, children need to be helped to understand what will have happened. If not assisted children may build up walls to protect themselves from the pain and confusion of grief.
It is important for adults who have children or who deal with children to understand how to assist children cope with loss. Adults need to understand how to help children respond to death. The following are some of the tips to assist children during bereavement time:
Help children understand what has happened by offering a brief age appropriate explanation. Use simple and clear language. If you’re a surviving parent, get help from your relatives, friends and colleagues. If you don’t tell your child s/he may hear the news from friends or neighbours and become frightened, confused or express resentment.
Allow children to ask any questions. Listen to children’s feelings and thoughts.
Dr Mazvita Machinga Ph.D is a qualified Psychotherapist in Mutare who offers professional counselling and psychotherapy.
For information on grief counselling and other mental health issues contact [email protected], or call 0771 754 519
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