How marriage counsellors cause divorces

Anne Ruthenburg
HELLO folks, how are you all? Thank you for the wonderful and encouraging messages you give me each week. It makes me feel like there are people out there following what I write.You have noticed by now that most of my feedback is about marriage, but this week I am back to weddings, but not on the couple side, but on the pre-wedding counsellors.

I am seriously concerned about all the relationships that are ending in divorces and so soon. What is worse is that many of the people getting divorced are people who have had weddings in church.

This is very worrying for me because surely the couple would have had marriage counselling before they got married. So how is it that these marriages are not working?

Am I blaming the counsellors? Partially! I say partially because seriously if a counsellor can see that the couple are not ready to marry; it is up to the counsellor to advice the couple to put the wedding on hold until the counsellor is satisfied that they know what they are getting into and are prepared.

We are not saying do not get married we are saying you might not be ready at that moment until certain issues are fixed.

I read in the newspaper this week about a couple who asked for a divorce a day after the wedding. Who does that?

Then I find out the couple had in fact been through counselling; so what happened?

Seriously, I might be out of my league here, but you know as a pre-marital counsellor, I think it is imperative that the couple is made to understand that this is real life.

This is not DSTV where couples are made up of actors who bring you into a make believe world of marriage. This is also not Kim Kardashian or Kanye West, things don’t work that way folks. As a counsellor you cannot get swept away in the sweetness of the couple, you have to be cruel to be kind.

I would rather advise a couple to postpone the wedding for a couple of months so that they can work things out rather than say yes they are ready, only to have things they did not deal with – tear them apart after the marriage.

I remember on the last counselling session with a couple; a friend of mine sensed that the guy had not closed the door to an ex-girlfriend completely. So she brought the issue up, but the guy denied it and the soon to be wife supported him. The wedding was the next week so the couple was not keen to postpone. I tell you folks, it was less than two months when the new wife found out that the ex-girlfriend was sleeping with her husband again. What do you do after that?

When I was still doing pre-wedding counselling, I had a couple who were disagreeing on how many kids to have and in what space of time. They brushed it aside and when I strongly advised them to wait before they married, their parents had strong words with me.

They got married of course, but 10 years later they had five kids like what the man wanted, but two are from his current wife (which is what she wanted). The other three are from other women.

When I met them the marriage was in trouble. He simply told me that the wife refused to have more kids so he had kids with other women.

You might think that the man is selfish, but I knew this was going to happen because during counselling he made it clear he wanted five kids regardless of how they come, but the then fiancée refused to even discuss more than two kids.

You see, simple disagreement become major issues when you are married people. So pre-marital counsellors, parents, friends, church leaders and everyone who are involved with the future married couple, please, please be real with the couple.

It is not fair for you to encourage a couple to get married when you know there are unresolved issues there. Of course, if the couple does not listen there is nothing we can do. But if it is in your power to help them, please do so without reservation of fear.

My thinking is that I would rather have a couple put the wedding on hold for a month or so to make sure that they come into perfect agreement or they agree to disagree in the lighter issues, rather than let them ignore the problem – get married and live a life of hell for ever. Marriage is either heaven or hell.

If I charged people for every letter or message I get on troubled relationships- I tell you I would be a billionaire in a year or two, it is that bad.(I am not complaining, I love helping people, but it is worrying that there are so many in on small town).

So even if a couple marries and then fall into troubled times (which happens), please as those who are in their circles, try and be non partisan. Help them see both sides of the situation. No problem is too big to sort out. But where there is abuse the abusers must get help; and the abused needs to be taken out of the situation and also given help.

I know our vows say “through death do us part”. But no man has the right to take the life of their partner, or cause hurt or pain to the other person. It is not right and in those circumstances I will definitely get out and divorced — sorry.

And with that people I say until next week God bless!

Anastasia can be messaged only on 0772 933 845.