adminHello there again folks, how are you all doing? I am so exhausted, it is no longer funny. I feel like decisions are being made around me for me and I do not have a choice. Anyway, that is my year planned out for me by the gods and all I have to do is be obedient right? LOL! Anyway, this week I had planned to do the second love language, but wow and behold things changed. I don’t do marriage counselling one on one. I try not to give counsel except through the newspaper, but someone or should I say a couple found me and cornered me and begged me to help them. I mean what was I supposed to do. This all happened at a public event, at a hotel, so I agreed to hear them out – and what a session it was! Oh my goodness!
They shouted and shouted and shouted and shouted. By the way, I told them that I was going to write about it this week (a little bit about it) LOL. They shouted so much at who I don’t know, because they were looking at me, but shouting at each other . . . anyway they stopped shouting when the other one starting coughing uncontrollably and the other asked me what I thought . . . I took time to speak because I did not expect to be invited to the shout-out.
Now jokes aside people, what shocked me at the end of the drama was what I observed. They both spoke of the same needs and wants, but from different sides of the bridge. They both wanted to be happy. They both did not understand why the other partner was doing what they were doing. They both wanted things to work, but would let it go if they had to. So I do have the ability to see things a little more clearly than some people especially when there is pressure. What I saw was one of the partners even though they agreed that the marriage needed help and was willing to make it work through the things this person said or didn’t say. I realised they were broken.
There were things that happened to this person in their past that hurt them to such to a point that anything their partner did was unacceptable because they were measured unfairly by their partners past. I know its crazy right?
So I asked the one partner to leave for an hour while I spoke to the one I knew had an individual problem. Then I said . . . “before we can fix your marriage; we need to fix you!”
My friends, it is hard to try and fix marital issues, but it becomes almost impossible when the two individuals or one of them is incomplete within themselves (has personal un-dealt with issues from the past). Lack of trust, jealousy, insecurity, poverty, racial abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, cheating, illness, lack of fathering or mothering and so much more, can all be a wall between you and you partner which may never fall. Too many relationships end because of small issues. This is so because one of the partners is seeing the issue through their past which is not fair. Even if your partner has cheated on you before, if you want the marriage to work, you cannot see everything your partner does or says through eyes of a cheat – you get it? You cannot spend your whole marriage saying: “How am I supposed to trust you?” It is easy – just deal with your hurt, pain, disappointment and all; get counselling, stop bringing up or putting blame and move on. If you can’t move on, then do your partner a favour and leave honestly!
I am using an affair as an example because it is the famous one, but there are many things that cause divorce in marriages or cause breakdowns in relationships – lack of employment; abuse; anger issues, mistrust issues; sexual issues; financial issues; in-law issues; death; barrenness; lack or too much education; failure to progress and on and on – I’m sure you understand.
My point is, if your arguments seem to repeat themselves over and over the same thing – stop! The fight needs to be turned away from your partner and turn it inwards towards yourself. In my last relationship my partner would claim to be with his boys here and there; but in essence he was having affairs. So I get into a new relationship, where the guy loves sports with the guys of cause. What is the first thing I do when he says he is not coming to see me for a few hours he is playing sports? I shout!
Yup, I accuse him of ditching me, of not wanting to be with me. I then question the reason he doesn’t want me to come and I don’t listen to his perfect excuse. And this scene repeated itself for two years, until I told him I wanted out. Before he allowed me to break-up with him, he asked me one question – “do you see me when I’m with you or are you seeing your ex?” People I went for counselling very soon after that, and shed many tears, that I should have shed before I started a new relationship. Now I can safely say I am free from the chains of my past and I see my partner for who he is and what he genuinely brings to our relationship – it’s so easy now! And you know what I am sure he has had to do the same thing, but that’s not for me to judge. All I need to do on this earth is remember to be right with myself and right with others.
By the time the other partner came back, the atmosphere had changed, there was calm, I managed to explain the situation to both of them which changed everything. They didn’t have a marriage problem after-all; they had an individual problem.
I know they have now booked for an appointment with a psychiatrist who is more qualified to deal with the past issues. I know they are going to get better because they left me two hours later smiling through the tears and hugging. Of course, now I have to figure out how I am supposed to explain to some of my colleagues about the angry couple that shouted the hotel down are now in love again. Kikiki! I pray this story has helped someone out there, and for the couple who had the energy and audacity to insist I break my own rules to see them – good for you! Lol. 2015 is the beginning of a whole new wonderful world of healing and success for you both. I wish you well. And to everybody else, until next week God Bless!
◆ Anastasia can be messaged on 0772 933 845.
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