Online Reporter
Dear Amai, I hope this message finds you well. I am married and have one child. My spouse and I are both gainfully employed.
I regret to admit that before I got married, I used to drink and attend wild parties. At present, my husband does not allow me to attend any party without him — whether it is a family gathering or an all-ladies function.
We met at a party where I was in a drunken stupor. That night, he became a Good Samaritan and rescued me from a group of rowdy men who wanted to take advantage of me. I ended up sleeping at his apartment.
We began dating, even though my sister initially discouraged me. After a year, we got married and later had a son.
However, it seems my husband has not forgotten the circumstances of our first meeting. He continues to remind me of that night and tells me point-blank that he does not trust me.
I have stopped drinking for the sake of my marriage and child. When we were dating, it seemed as though he had forgiven me and accepted me for who I was. Now, his constant mistrust is breaking my heart. I do not know what to do — I feel trapped. Please help me.
Response
I am very well, and thanks for reaching out. It is unfortunate you did not go for pre-marital counselling.
Based on how you met, you desperately needed it — to clear the air, as well as set boundaries and expectations for each other.
In my view, I think your husband is treating you this way because he chose to date and marry you after he had seen a side of you that seems to haunt him to this day.
He may not be the Good Samaritan you thought he was. He may very well be as crude as the guys he rescued you from that fateful night. He was in attendance and took a stranger home.
You started off on the wrong foot. I strongly suggest that you both go for professional counselling and see how you can map a way forward by building trust and leaving old habits in the past. I wish you all the best.
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How dangerous is entertaining an ex-lover?
Dear Amai, thank you so much for your column in The Sunday Mail column. I have learnt a great deal from it.
I am aged 37 and my husband is 40. We are both employed full-time. We have two beautiful children together and each one of us has a child from our previous relationships.
When we got married, we agreed to allow each other to communicate with our ex-partners if it concerned our children. We have been doing this, but it is now causing many problems. It has brought up trust issues and unnecessary debates, and it is tearing us apart.
Response
Hello writer, thank you very much for supporting this platform. I am happy you have picked up some nuggets along the way.
At times I find it very difficult to understand that you agree on certain things as a couple that will cause so much unhappiness in the future.
Communicating with one’s ex brings a lot of discomfort to most spouses. The cultural remedy works better. Normally, relatives in the category of vanatete, sekuru or mbuya will communicate with the ex on your behalf about everything relating to the child’s welfare.
Direct communication often leads to conflict or rekindling an old flame. It is a dangerous gamble. I suggest you sit down with your husband and sell him what I have suggested. Resolve this before it gets out of control.
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I am utterly confused
I am an 18-year-old girl living with my grandmother.
My mother works menial jobs in South Africa and rarely comes home to visit. I do not know much about my father, except that he was a herd boy from this area and later returned to his home country, Malawi.
There is a single teacher in our community who has been married and divorced twice. He has four children from those marriages.
This man is now trying to court me. He has approached my grandmother and given her the impression that I love him too. He brings groceries and often comes to our home to talk to me about what he can do for me if I agree to be with him.
He is in his forties, and I respect him as a father figure, but I do not have any feelings for him.
The problem is that my grandmother, who has been more of a mother to me than my biological mum, really likes this man.
I feel torn apart because I do not want to disappoint her, yet I do not want to enter into a relationship I do not want. Should I do this for grandmother’s sake? If I go against her wishes, what will my life be like? Please help me.
Response
Your letter made my reading very sad. I appreciate the role your grandmother has played in your life in the absence of your biological parents.
She has really done well.
Your grandmother seems overprotective and genuinely wants the right thing for you. She is trying to match you with someone; she means well.
However, that is not how chemistry, let alone marriage, works. You must be in love with that person and see a future with them.
Marriage is a life commitment; groceries and gifts are material objects — they can only do so much.
Tell her respectfully how you feel. You did not elaborate on your educational background. Would you like to advance your education and do you have career goals of your own?
You are still very young and have a lot to live for outside of being married. The short history you have given me about this guy leaves a lot to be desired.
He has been divorced twice and has four children. If this is a pattern, what makes you think third time will be a charm?
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
Tinaye Agere