adminAnn Ruthenburg Marriage Doctor
HELLO there folks, what are your plans for the Easter holiday? Remember, the reason why we celebrate Easter and share it. This week I will be answering the following message: Hie, I saw your number in the paper and I am looking for advice. I had a baby recently and all was well with my husband. We have been together for three years now, but all of a sudden it changed when his mum invited him to come for her wedding in the UK. He asked me if l was comfortable for him to go and I told him that it was ok, but the problem was he hasn’t paid lobola home. And he is under the influence of his relatives. He did not send me the money he promised me and when I asked him, he gives excuses. He went to Harare to process his papers and his behaviour has changed. I am seeing as if that the love is fading away. I am so much in pain, but I don’t want to be in a forced relationship. I don’t know what to do honestly, this is affecting me. His relatives are very hard to deal with. I feel like I am losing him.
My response is as follows:
Hello there dear, thank you for your question. First, congratulations of recently having a baby, Makorokoto! I am so sorry that instead of enjoying the baby celebration you have a relationship issue. I will try and help you as much as I can, but the truth of the matter my dear your may have to make some major decisions.
Before we talk about anything your mentioned, I have to start with the fact that you have had a baby with a guy who you claim is your husband, but he has not paid lobola. So in essence he is not really your husband, he is your baby’s daddy and your lover, which means he is open to marry another woman. This then is why his mother can have the guts to bring her son alone to her wedding and not acknowledge you because he has not acknowledged you seriously.
Many women believe that if they have a kid with a guy, he will never leave them – wrong! There are so many single mothers around it is sad and this is the cause. I am sorry to sound hard, but my job is to be real with you about the situation.
My second concern is that he is going overseas alone. Yes, it is only for the wedding, but I am sure he is going to spend more than a week there and of course his mother is going to introduce him to single women there (let us not be fooled). If no lobola was paid or you receiving an engagement ring or something, then there is nothing connecting you to the family. Your man is already acting weird before he even gets there, he is simply in Harare organising his VISA, but yet he is acting distant and not sending the money he is supposed for you and baby. This my dear is worrying.
Before he actually gets on that plane in the next few weeks, you may need to play your cards right. Right now I think you are angry and every time you speak to him, you probably are complaining. This my dear makes you seem desperate! Men do not want desperate women, it puts them off. Yes, they love to be worshipped, but not stalked. So this is the plan. . .
Stop complaining about his family. You already know they are controlling him and the more you complain about them to him, the more he will turn to them and away from you. Next you need to stop begging him for money or attention. Right now his mind is not on you, it is on the excitement of going to the United Kingdom. So you need to remind him gently of the fact that he has a baby that both of you made. So unlike what we usually do as women, we complain and criticise our men for failing us, change your strategy. Ask him for the money you need gently. Then tell him that you love and miss him. Then leave it. If he sends less money and makes excuses, just thank him and leave it there. Then send him pictures of his baby doing different things, not too many pictures, but maybe one every two days of baby laughing, playing etc. Men get very weak when they see their kids, so this is a good reminder to him of what he has back home. He will even put a baby picture on his status, I assure you dear.
Apart from that you need to start thinking about what you need to do in life to survive either as a single mother or an unmarried wife. You both sound young, so I believe it is not too late to make changes and live a positive life either together or apart. Since you are asking him for money, I presume you are not working or do not have a major income base. This needs to be your first plan, otherwise you may need to move back to your parents or guardians.
You have to also think about what you will do if your man does not return from the UK or if he finds another woman there. Many women abroad are financially okay, so yes a guy who is struggling will have no problem hooking up with a woman who will not bother him about money or finances. So do not put too much pressure on him because you will drive him into the arms of someone his mother probably has for him over there.
I do not want to scare you dear and I do not want you to end the relationship now just because you believe it won’t work. I have just highlighted areas that will come up and it is better for you to know now and handle it before it happens. We pray, however, that he is just excited right now and so forgetting to be a good lover and father. I also pray that he does come back to you more mature and more committed especially since his mother is getting married, that is a good example to him to do the right thing.
I always say fight for your man and for your kids, but if he is not legally your man, be careful. That is it from me my dear, until next week, God bless!
Marriage Doctor can be messaged/whatsapped on 0772 933 845 or email: [email protected].
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