adminDEAR AMY:
My fiancé and I have been together for three years; I have a five-year-old from a previous relationship and we have a one-year-old together.
He has been a wonderful guy from the start and has always accepted my oldest, even though he is not his biological father.
We moved in together almost a year ago and it’s been going great. We plan to get married soon!
The problem is that ever since he moved in, his mom has been calling him every day (sometimes twice a day!). As a mom myself, I understand that “a mother’s worry can never go away,” but is it necessary for her to call every day?
I have mentioned to him that it’s starting to bother me — the daily calls, especially when it’s dinnertime, when it’s the only time of the day we have to bond all together.
I feel she always wants to know what is going on in our house. She also tells us all the problems going on with the other siblings in their relationships, which we don’t want to hear — for a number of reasons.
How can I handle this with my fiancé? Should I let him handle it or should I say something to her?
Do I have a right (even though I’m not his wife yet) to make myself heard? —
Annoyed Future Daughter-in-law
DEAR ANNOYED:
Healthy boundaries are important between adult children and their parents, and also between spouses and in-laws. But you may be building a brick wall when a picket fence would do.
You certainly have the right to be annoyed about daily phone calls at dinnertime, but that’s easy to fix: Your fiancé simply has to train himself not to answer his phone between certain hours so your little family can have some important bonding time after work and before bath and bed (the same rule should apply to you).
You do not get to decide how often your fiancé talks to his mother. For many people, a phone call every day is quite normal. If his mother lives a distance away, you might be able to influence the dynamic by actually including her more in your life. Skyping once a week with her so she can see the kids might give her a more positive stake in your family — and will help you to forge an independent relationship with her.
If her gossiping bothers your fiancé, he should shut it down. Because she is a gossip, never give her any intimate material from your own relationship. In your world, you and your immediate family should be at the centre —other family members and friends reside along the periphery. You control what to tell them and face the consequences of that choice. — Online.
Online Reporter