I overreacted

Mudzimba

Dr Rebecca Chisamba

Dear Amai, I hope you are well. I am a married man aged 36 and my wife is 34. We grew up in the same neighbourhood. We are blessed with two lovely kids. I love my beer, so I make sure I always have a few bottles in my fridge all the time.

Many times, when I need a drink to cool off, I am told tsano, my wife’s younger brother (who often passes through our home) helped himself to the beer. The other day, I blew my top off and told my wife to replace my drinks because I had become annoyed by this habit.

I asked her why her sibling felt entitled to the beer. In my anger, I said a lot that I now regret. I even said she should tell her family members that I am not a bottle store.

When I came home from work yesterday, my wife told me tsano had brought two crates of beer to replace the ones he had taken. I did not think she would spill the beans; I am extremely embarrassed. My wife threw me under the bus. I now look like a bad person. How do I make things right? I am very sorry.

Response

I am very well and thanks for asking. I think it is very noble to address people you have a problem with directly. When people speak on your behalf, they express things differently, as may have happened in your case.

For tsano to replace the drinks so promptly shows that the message was strong and well-received. I do not understand why you now feel let down.

Your wife conveyed the message because you had instructed her to do so. The whole scenario does not make sense. If he can afford to buy two crates at a time, then why was he always taking your drinks?

It is not a sign of good manners to behave that way in someone’s house. You cannot afford to lose your relationship over drinks. Please, summon your courage and speak to him. The person suffering the most from this drama is your wife. I wish you all the best.

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My house is not a hotel

I am a 25-year-old woman married to a man of the same age. We are both gainfully employed, I love my spouse and my child. I do not like visitors who overstay their welcome, especially from my husband’s side because they tend to demand many things. At times, I go out of my way to outsource provisions and end up in debt.

I talked to my husband about this and instead of understanding where I was coming from, he accused me of trying to play big.

As I write this letter, my mother-in-law has been staying with us for the past three weeks. I am running out of patience. She is very fussy when it comes to food but I hear through the grapevine that she only does this when she is with us. She thinks we are loaded and yet it is quite the opposite.

Response

Hello writer and thank you for reaching out to me. It is very refreshing to hear that you love your spouse and family. When you say some visitors overstay their welcome, do you ever stop to consider the different reasons they will have asked to stay temporarily with you for that period? As for the demands, it depends on your response. Sometimes you just have to say no.

Your husband says you play big. If that is true, you have a problem on your hands. Live within your means. It is not wise to accrue debt. You can be a good host by offering your visitors what is available as long as it comes from the heart.

You can play around with your recipes so that food does not become monotonous. Last but not least, I suggest you work on improving your communication with your husband. You are supposed to be a team. I would be happy to hear from you again.

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Boss is overworking me

Hello Amai, I am employed as a househelp. I have three kids from my previous marriage. I have been working for a young couple for the past two years and I can truly say I am overwhelmed.

The only people who appreciate me are the kids and their father. I am older than the couple and the wife takes advantage of that. I work from dawn to dusk and the only time I can rest is when I retire to bed.

Of late, the woman has given me an extra duty of sleeping with the baby in the same bedroom. I change diapers during the night and feed the baby. Even when the baby cries and has sleepless nights, the mother does not take him. It is only the father who gets concerned.

Last month, he gave me extra money as a token of appreciation and, sadly, the wife was not amused. I cannot carry on like this. I am not an engine. What should I do, Amai?

Response

Greetings dear writer. Your letter made my reading very sad. It seems to me, when you were employed, you did not discuss the nature of your job. From your letter, I picked up that more duties are being imposed on you, like sleeping with the baby. Baby-minding is a full-time job on its own.

I suggest you sit down with your employers and work out a plan. I also think the parents are duty-bound to sleep with their baby; the bonding is good for them. It is my hope that you have some off days too.

It is your right and theirs to iron out this amicably and move on if you agree. There are rules and regulations in each industry to protect the workers and employers. Explore these options. I would be happy to hear from you again.

Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com