Andrew
DEAR Amai, I am a 34-year-old woman and mother to a three-year-old toddler. I am married to a banker. My husband is 35 years and he drives a top of the range car. He is totally against the habit of giving people a lift in our car. Our neighbours used to ask for such favours and he blatantly told them that he does not do that.
A few days ago, a single woman about my age came to our house and asked to see my husband. My heart missed a beat, I do not even know the woman. The discomfort on my husband’s face said it all. She boldly said she forgot her clutch bag and scarf in our car when my husband gave her a lift into town.
My husband had put these things in the boot without telling me. I was tongue-tied, I did not know what to say although I was on the verge of tears. We are not talking because I want to know why he hid these things and when exactly he started giving people lifts? I smell a rat! How did this lady know where we stay? Please advise, I really want him to come clean on this one otherwise there will be war.
Response
Hello and thanks for writing in. It really is strange that your husband did what he did. Especially after stating, he does not like giving people lifts in his car. Stashing the things she left behind in the boot implies he was planning to give them back to her.
Furthermore, how would a stranger who she gave a lift show up at his home? Where would she have found his address? There is a lot more to this. Since he refuses to come clean, I think you must opt to rope in a relationship counsellor.
A professional who can get you to engage in dialogue as well and unearth more. I feel like it was dumb luck or fate that led to you finding out about this. Now that it is in the open, you should work together to resolve it.
Your threats of starting a war will not let him come clean. You have to take a more seasoned and calculated approach, you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. I wish you all the best.
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Boyfriend scared
of settling down
The man I am currently dating has been in my life for the past 10 years. Everyone blames me for this long courtship but I am stuck with him and I do not know what to do. We always talk about marriage and my observation is I am the one who brings that up.
He says he would want to save for lobola first. Amai, I have seen him buy a two-bedroomed apartment, a car and a lot of household appliances. My million-dollar question is, why is marriage not a priority to him? He is a steady person.
Over the years, I never came across anything that could suggest that he was cheating on me. I trust and love him very much but when is he going to commit? Does he love me at all? Please help. Do you think anything will come of this? Our relatives from both sides, especially the tetes, are tired and have decided to stand aloof.
Response
I have read your letter and I think it is clear as day. This guy is not ready and does not seem to want to be rushed even though he can financially do it. When you date, you need to want the same outcomes. Ten years is a long time to just date.
The fact that you have to bring it up all the time shows that you are the only one pushing for it. The only catharsis you may gain from all this is informing your boyfriend that you wish to call it quits because you yearn for something more which he is not able to give you. It is never too late to get out of any situation and look for something else that fulfils you.
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No good deed goes unpunished
Thank you so much for your Sunday Mail column. I follow it weekly. I married my high school sweetheart and thought it was going to be smooth sailing from then on. I am 26 and my husband is the same age but very big headed.
His nickname is Mr Know-it-all and he loves it so much. He is a CEO of an uptown company and people from his family hero worship him. Earlier this year he went to his rural home and brought his brother’s son who is in Grade Four.
I was never consulted about this but I thought the reason behind it was noble. The child now attends a better school that will shape his future. Ever since he came, my husband bought a uniform, paid his fees and purchased some clothes for him.
The other day I overheard him complain to his brother that he was not playing his part at all as a parent. Maiguru, the mother of the child called me to say they want their child back.
I told her I was never a part and parcel of this from inception. My husband is also furious that I am not supporting him. Amai, why should I be involved now when everything was done behind my back? What is your take on this one?
Response
Right off the bat, I am sensing some tension. Calling your husband Mr Know-it-all is not a good thing. I am even shocked that he embraced such a nickname. Instead, advise him where you think he falters such as practically adopting this child without your prior consent.
I think he meant well and was trying to uplift this child. It was not accepted well because he did it without consulting all parties involved. It is harsh accusing his father of not providing when perhaps he is actually facing some difficulties.
Maiguru was right to be upset, I wish you had not sided with her against your hubby because that makes it worse. It becomes a house divided. Try to de-escalate tensions and get all parties involved in one room.
Agree on how best this child can be assisted. The child is all that matters in this scenario. You can even try to rope in other siblings as mediators. I firmly believe this is a family spat you can overcome.
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