‘‘I was dumped through text’’

Dear Coleen
My boyfriend finished with me two weeks ago by sending me a short text saying he didn’t feel the same anymore and wanted to break up. That was it – no more explanation.

I was heartbroken and shocked as well. We’d been together for five years – a pretty long time in my book – and although we had our ups and downs like most couples, I didn’t think we were anywhere near the stage of splitting up.

Since then, he’s been ignoring my phone calls and all my messages. I’ve found out through friends he’s been spotted going for drinks with a female colleague, so now I suspect he’d been cheating on me with her for some time.

I want answers. I feel so angry and frustrated that he won’t communicate with me. It’s like I never existed. How can you go out with someone for five years and have so much history together, and then just cut them off with a text message?

How can I get closure and move on?

Coleen says

He’s chosen the coward’s way out and, unfortunately, mobile phones and computers make it much easier for people to avoid doing the right thing and facing the other person.

He doesn’t want to speak to you and see you crying because it’ll make him feel more of a git, which he is.

This way, he doesn’t have to face the devastation he’s caused. But, look, what talking is there to do really?

He’s shown his true colours and, as harsh as it sounds, he doesn’t want to be in the relationship any more and has moved on.

What he’s done is terrible, but I think you can find closure without discussing it with him.

He’s not a nice guy to do what he did and you shouldn’t want him back – that’s what you need to keep telling yourself.

He wasn’t the man you thought he was.

And, no matter what you think, you could talk to him until you’re blue in the face, but it won’t hurt any less.

The pain is strong because you were with each other for five years and now it’s over when you didn’t want it to be.

That pain will take some time to go away. As for being angry – that can be motivating.

So use it to spur you on to finding a better partner who deserves you.

Dear Coleen

I wouldn’t say I’m in a relationship as such, but I’ve been with a guy for six years on and off. It’s a cliche but I suppose we’re “friends with benefits”.

A few months ago he told me he misses me when I’m not around and that he doesn’t spend enough time with me, so he’d like to see me more often.

I was so excited and happy to hear this that I told him I’d already booked a week off to see family, and now I could see him too.

He agreed it was great and said he’d come over to mine on certain days, which made me feel really happy and confident of his feelings towards me.

The first time he arranged to visit didn’t go to plan – he said he was at work, which I understood (now I don’t believe him).

The second time he was supposed to come round he completely ignored my texts and phone calls, leaving me upset and angry.

He made me feel like I must have done something to annoy him or that I’m not attractive enough for him any more.

I will admit that I did go a bit crazy by constantly texting and calling him because I just wanted to know what was going on.

Why would he say he wants to see me and then not show up? I am so down on myself and have so many unanswered questions.

I’m not ready to talk to him because it will just upset me more. What do I do?

Coleen says

I think this fella is leading you on. He probably knows you want a full-blown relationship, so he’s dangled a carrot to make you feel secure and then pulled it away from you again.

It’s been six years and if you want to be more than a friend with benefits, then you have to be direct and tell him that. If he’s not willing to commit to more, then tell him you have to move on.

If you don’t, another six years will go by, and if at the end of that, he goes off into the sunset with another woman, how will you feel?

What I do know is that he will never commit to more while you’re putting up with the situation as it is.

I’m generally sceptical about friendships with benefits because one person always ends up wanting more than the other.

And if they’re honest most people will admit they got into a relationship like this hoping it would turn into more.

Perhaps at the beginning it’s fine, but as time goes on problems and insecurities pop up.

I have male friends, but if I wasn’t married there isn’t one of them I’d sleep with because I don’t fancy them (sorry, guys).

They’re friends and I’ll never see them in that way but, if I did, I would want a proper relationship.

Give your FWB a last chance if you want, but if I were you, I’d cut my losses and walk away now. – Online.