Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Hello Amai, I am a degreed 37-year-old single woman. Additionally, I am self-sufficient.
I have been dating a 38-year-old man for the past two years.
However, my parents have no kind words for him; they say he is very uncultured. Several of his colleagues share this view.
I am aware of this side of his personality, but I try my best to ignore it.
He is the only man I have dated so far who has genuinely discussed his wish to settle down and get married.
I am also eager to get married. I strongly feel marriage is the way to go. I wish I could rush him, but he is not the type to give in to pressure. However, our two years of dating have been marred by several breakups and each time he has been the one to blame. Amai, please help. Do you see any light at the end of the tunnel for this relationship?
Response
Thank you very much for reaching out to me.
From my perspective, it seems all you want is to get married, no matter how many twists and turns you must endure. Your relationship lacks understanding. The number of red flags is alarming.
The best marriages are built on true love. You need to work on your relationship. I suggest you see a professional counsellor.
What changes would you like to see in him?
What uncultured traits does he exhibit that both your parents and his own colleagues are concerned about?
When does he plan to marry you? Once you get answers to all these questions, you can make an informed decision.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment, so do not rush to get into it.
I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Alcohol is destroying my marriage
Dear Amai, I hope this message finds you well. I am a 38-year-old married woman and we are blessed with four children. My husband and I are both employed, but our formal incomes are modest. We supplement our earnings by growing and selling vegetables.
The problem I am facing involves my husband; he consumes a lot of alcohol. He frequently buys drinks on credit from a bottle store at our local shopping centre. He has even been nicknamed “Vakuru” because of this habit.
At the end of each month, more than half of his salary goes towards paying off his debt for alcoholic drinks.
This leaves me struggling to provide food for the family.
There is currently a lot of tension in our home; we recently had a physical fight and are now not speaking to each other.
My intention is to go to the bottle store and confront the owner, as I feel she is indirectly destroying my marriage through her business practice of extending credit to patrons. My children are disadvantaged in many ways due to her business decisions.
Response
I am well and thank you very much for reaching out to me. I am sorry about how things are going.
I feel sorry for the kids who are missing out on things because of their father’s selfish choices.
You are misdirecting your anger.
Do not go on a witch-hunt. The problem lies with your husband.
Legally, you have no right to confront the bottle store owner because she is running a legitimate business and your husband is a valued patron.
You can be arrested for bothering her.
Talk to your husband. create a combined budget, devise a method to disallow him to spend large amounts on alcohol as it disadvantages the family.
Children are precious gifts from God.
Their welfare should never be compromised for petty reasons like alcohol consumption. Stop fighting each other as you can seriously injure yourselves or end up with worse things.
I suggest you both go for professional counselling so that you learn communication skills and family responsibilities.
If you cannot afford this, try and get assistance from your elderly relatives like tetes and sekurus. I wish you all the best.
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Am I being petty?
Dear Amai, I will get straight to the point. I am a married woman and a mother of a two-year-old daughter.
The girl was named after my sister, who lives abroad.
My neighbour has recently given her new-born baby the same name and I am very unamused by this coincidence.
I wanted to go and confront her about it, but my husband advised me not to do so. How can we have two neighbouring children sharing the same, distinctive name? Amai, please help me understand how to manage this situation.
Response
Hello writer, I am well and thanks for asking. Simply put, you are brewing a storm in a teacup. You are overreacting over nothing. Names are common, so never take it personally. Nobody owns a name.
Even if you trademark a name, people will still give their offspring whatever names they choose. Your husband is right; you do not have any authority to go and confront anyone because of a name.
You may end up in big trouble.
If you are really annoyed by it, then you are the one who has the power to legally change your child’s name.
The baby is two years old and used to her name.
Please spare her and your family the drama. Take it easy. I would be happy to hear from you again.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
