Life with a suicidal spouse

Mercy Ngwebvu
SUICIDE is a desperate attempt to escape suffering that has become unbearable. Blinded by feelings of self-loathing, hopelessness, and isolation, a suicidal person cannot see any way of finding relief except through death.
Despite their desire for the pain to stop, most suicidal people are deeply disillusioned about ending their own lives. They wish there was an alternative to committing suicide, but they just cannot see one.

Last week our feedback domain featured a woman asking for help because her husband has been speaking about committing suicide for a whole month now. She was scared that he may do it anytime.

Living with a suicidal person floods the people around them with disorienting emotions. When someone says they are thinking about suicide, or says anything along those lines, it can be very upsetting. You may not be sure what to do to help, whether to take the talk of suicide seriously, or if your intervention might make the situation worse. Taking action, however, is always the best choice.
It is very important to find out whether the person is in danger of acting on suicidal feelings.

Asking about suicidal thoughts or feelings will not push someone into doing something self-destructive. In fact, offering an opportunity to talk about feelings may reduce the risk of acting on suicidal feelings.

One cannot always tell when a loved one is considering suicide but telltale signs are usually there, for instance, making statements like, “I’m going to kill myself,” “I wish I were dead” or “I wish I hadn’t been born.”

As is always our tradition, we went around doing interviews on the issue of suicide and we learnt that almost everyone who commits or attempts suicide has given some clue or warning.

A woman from Fern Valley revealed to us that her husband committed suicide two years ago and that before he finally took his life, he had gone on and on about how life was not worth living.

“He spent close to two months telling me that living was just a waste of time. He had been unfairly dismissed from a job that he dearly loved and it weighed him down. The fact that he was now jobless was not a big deal to me and so I ignored his threats thinking he was just speaking out of rage. When he finally died, I felt terrible because I had not helped him enough. I was scared that if I talked about it, he would do it. Though I was silent, he did it anyway. When he needed me the most, I helped him the least,” she said.

Some people have the misconception that talking about suicide may give someone the idea.
This is not true and by talking about it, people do not give the suicidal person morbid ideas. Bringing up the subject of suicide and discussing it openly can be one of the most helpful things people can do.

A suicidal person may not ask for help, but that does not mean that help is not wanted. Most people who commit suicide do not want to die; they just want to stop hurting. Suicide prevention starts with recognising the warning signs and taking them seriously. Suicidal talk or behaviour is not just a warning sign that the person is thinking about suicide; it is a cry for help.

Through our interviews we also figured out that when a suicidal person suddenly acts like everything is now on track, they are so close to taking their own life.

A sudden sense of calm and happiness after being extremely depressed can mean that the person has made a decision to commit suicide.
A carpenter from Dangamvura who lost his wife to suicide confirmed this; saying although his wife had threatened to kill herself, she later stopped talking about it saying she had found a solution to her problems.

Said the carpenter: “My wife had always been the black sheep of her family and she had struggled with that for a very long time. I tried to love her to the best of my abilities, but all was in vain. When she started to talk about suicide, she would not stop. She would say statements like ‘Why should I live when my family will never accept me?”’ I vividly remember that one day when I was about to go to work she said, “Goodbye, but we may never see each other again,” That day I spent the whole day in misery, but she was there when I got home.

“When she finally died, she was no longer speaking negatively. She displayed a form of calmness which I cannot understand even to this day. The day she died, she prepared a hot meal for me in the morning and I was happy, thinking that my wife had overcome her depression. When I came home in the evening, I found her hanging from our bedroom truss. She had finally taken her own life,” he explained.

Most suicidal individuals give warning signs or signals of their intentions. The best way to prevent suicide is to recognise these warning signs and know how to respond if you spot them.

If you believe that your spouse is suicidal, you can play a role in suicide prevention by pointing out the alternatives, showing that you care, and getting a doctor or any other help you can offer.

Even the most severely depressed person has mixed feelings about death, wavering until the very last moment between wanting to live and wanting to die. Most suicidal people do not want death; they want the pain to stop. The impulse to end it all, however overpowering, does not last forever.

The World Health Organisation estimates that approximately one million people die each year from suicide. To those not in the grips of suicidal depression and despair, it is difficult to understand what drives so many individuals to take their own lives; but a suicidal person is in so much pain that they see no other option.

It takes a lot of courage to help someone who is suicidal. Witnessing a loved one dealing with thoughts about ending their own life can stir up many difficult emotions.

As you’re helping a suicidal person, do not forget to take care of yourself. Find someone that you trust to talk to about your feelings and get support of your own.