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Laina Makuzha
LOVE by DESIGN
“As the Lord has loved us, so we should love one another.” — 1 John 4:11 (NIV)
Last week, we explored the importance of compassion, something we can all learn from our Heavenly Father Himself.
Unfortunately, this remains a challenging area for many. Whether dating or married, we struggle to balance our desires with God’s blueprint for love.
How are you doing in the area of love?
Shall we check your love health. What are the challenges in finding and keeping love?
If you’re already in a loving relationship and thriving, kudos to you! You will do well to share your insights with us.
If you’re still searching, don’t worry; I’ve got you covered.
What does love mean to you?
In my view, love is not about ignoring faults or blindly jumping into relationships.
It is not about claiming to trust God to see us through, while doing absolutely nothing to be a good partner ourselves.
Love requires wisdom in choosing a partner and hana chaiyo as well — kudzikama when you find it. Do not get overexcited to the point of relaxing kana waimbonamata for a partner. My advice is do not drop the ball. Prayer must continue, to remain steadfast, to conquer temptation and for the relationship to be anchored. Pray earnestly for your partner, their wellness, career,business, parenting — the list is endless.
Also pray together. Those that practice this say they are strengthened in times of trial in their relationship whether married or not. I can share prayer points, and point you to resources that you can find such as “The Power of A Praying Couple,” (or “Praying Woman”, “Praying Wife,” “Praying Husband,” “Praying Mom,” parent, grand parent) and more, by phenomenal author Stormie Ormatian. She’s definitely on to something with her suggested prayer points which can be used as a guide in building a strong prayer life.
A favourite scripture in this column is the reminder in Corinthians: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. . .” — 1 Corinthians 13:4 (NIV) and it
Applying wisdom entails:
Self-reflection: Understanding your values, goals, and non-negotiables.
Prayerful consideration: Seeking God’s guidance.
Character assessment: Evaluating your partner’s integrity, compassion, and faith.
Healthy communication: Active listening and constructive conflict resolution.
Selfishness versus selflessness
A degree of selfishness is natural. As I see it, there’s no way you are not going to want good things for your self too, while loving someone. It’s a two-way street. But I reckon it becomes unacceptable when we find ourselves prioritising personal desires over the partner’s needs, disregarding boundaries, or refusing healthy or fair compromise. In love it gets unhealthy if it’s all about “give-give-give or take-take-take”. Ka balance kanotodiwaka!
In a relationship discussion a few days back, I noted some common complaints, especially from those still waiting in the wings for love:
High among these was “lack of genuine connection” when they try to date in modern day. Chii chinombonzi connection though? Perhaps it this is a topic for another day?
Other complaints that I picked, can be summarised as: unhealthy attachment patterns and unrealistic expectations. Men especially, said women were generally asking for “too much” from the get-go. They cited a trend they said was worrying and putting too much pressure on them, whereby there seemed to be an expectation for “girlfriend or bae allowance”, which they claimed, could be anything from covering a partner’s rent, upkeep, health, groceries to monthly supplies, data and fuel. Some go as far as describing allowances for weaves, wigs, eyelashes, nails and more. What is your take on this as a pre-requisite for love? Is it happening and if so, what is the experience of those approaching love that way? Is it working?
Ladies had their grievances too about the challenges they face in seeking love. Chief among these, was the demand for premarital consummation of a relationship, which they said men took as a right, which in Christian circles would translate to fornication. There was an impasse on which should start between marriage and the physical intimacy. Of course my input was Christian oriented, as that’s just personal faith. But we are all different, and I would be glad to hear your views on this one. It was one of those inconclusive discussion points that people agreed to disagree on, with some people choosing to sit on the fence.
Fear of vulnerability also showed up frequently as a complaint, where ladies claimed there was ‘flakiness’ and ‘pretending’ by men. Examples given were that some guys were not true, that they avoid being open, genuine and vulnerable. This point sparked a whole debate about who is more fake and flaky between men and women. I just could not keep up with this one!
On the flip side of unrealistic expectations, was the complaint of some singles settling for less, possibly out of desperation- and I recall we’ve also discussed this one at length in previous articles. We even suggested some pointers to ponder (for those feeling agitated, impatient or discouraged in waiting for love) which included the following:
focus on personal growth.
cultivate meaningful friendships.
practice self-care.
seek wise counsel.
trust God’s timing.
usanyanyodzamisa pfungwa on why you seem to be the only one in your clique, who’s still alone. Believe me, there are many ‘in the same boat’, so to speak. Vari kutotsvakawo, as I always say. It does not mean though, that you stop readying yourself for the right one while you wait.
How about some self-assessment?
Take a moment to reflect, this is something one can do from time to time:
What are my non-negotiables in a relationship?
Am I prioritising God’s guidance in my search for love?
How do I balance selflessness with healthy boundaries? (if following this column, you may recall we covered boundaries sometime last month)
And now for my favourite part of the conversation: Your turn.
I love to hear your thoughts, insights, and experiences on the topic. How do you approach love God’s way? How do you ensure you are not extreme in any direction?
Together, we can master the maze of romantic love and create healthier, happier relationships and families.
Scriptures for further reflection
1 Corinthians 13:1-13: Ephesians 5:1-33; – 1 John 4:7-21;
May God guide us in loving like He loves.
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