Me and wife, we have a problem

HELLO there folks, I hope you are well! This week I will try to respond to a gentleman who wrote as following;
Dear Dr Anne, I am a married man. I married in 2009 and had one child, a boy. My problem is that my wife complains a lot about finances after discussing objectives together. She always sleeps with tight pants. She also blames me for causing her BP. l sent her to school and she quitted. She never appreciates my effort. Moreover, she was once married by someone and had a girl child and divorced. I cater for the child’s fees. Another challenge is she was operated for both children, when I ask her when are you expecting another child, she says go and ask the doctor or I don’t know. What can I do? Is divorce the better way out? Surely, I don’t have peace. I have failed to calculate where the problem is, please help…

Wow Sir, what a marriage! It seems to me that you and your wife did not go through pre-marriage counselling before you were married. What you are experiencing right now is very normal for the way your marriage began, but it is not good.

Before you married your wife, did you find out why your wife’s first marriage ended before you met her, especially that she left with a child? Many women go into their second marriage with issues from their last marriage and unfortunately the second husband ends up suffering for the mistakes of the first husband. People do not just leave their marriages (especially women), things happen that make it unbearable for the person to stay. Sadly when most people leave, they leave with a lot of unfinished, unsolved issues, which leave a negative mark on the person.

For women, most of the time they are left with trust issues, low self esteem, anger, insecurity and so forth. These things manifest in many negative ways in the future and sometimes the person does not even realise that they are reacting to their future based on their past. If a woman does not solve these issues, she will react to her new husband according to the way the last husband behaved. So if her last husband always held back finances, she will go into her new marriage wanting to get as much financial security as possible from her new husband. If her old husband cheated on her, she will go into her new marriage suspicious of many of the things her new husband will be thinking he is going to cheat on her. If her last husband was a bully, she will bully her next husband by holding sex back or sulking or throwing anger tantrums etc. These are just some of the things that could happen if a person does not deal with the pain from their past relationships. If a woman goes through counselling before her second marriage, and if her second husband is made aware of the issues in the first marriage, he will be able to understand some of the things she does, and the marriage will survive everything.

I suspect your wife’s behaviour is coming from her experiences in her first marriage. You said that she goes on and on about finances. It is either that you are not giving her enough for the upkeep of the house or she is in this marriage for the money and security. Remember, she has another child apart from the one she has with you, so in her mind she is trying to secure a life for both her first child and herself. You say she has BP and blames you for that.

You also said after you discuss things with her if she does not like it she holds back your marital conjugal rights (sex) – something is not right there. I do not believe your wife dealt with her issues from her other marriage, so this is what she has brought into the marriage. So the problem might not actually be you, but it might be something in her heart and mind that she is re-living in this new marriage.

In reference to her operations, I understand that this is called “a caesarean operation”, I am reliably told that a women who cannot give birth through the normal birth passage, has to have caesarean operation for a maximum of three kids. Now looking at the time she had the last child around 2009 to now 2015, she is more than ready to have her last child, unless of course her doctor says she cannot have any other kids (which is maybe why she says ask the doctor). So when she answers the way she does, she may not be willing to have another child either because she cannot, or because she does not feel secure enough in the marriage to bring another child into the marriage.

Like I said before she may be going through issues with you that are from her first marriage. There seems to be a lack of trust issue here that the two of you have to solve before you can have a successful marriage. My suggestion to you sir is before you think of divorcing your wife, try speaking to her about her fears and her experiences from the past. Also try talking to her about the things she is doing in this marriage that are causing you to move away. Also ask her what she needs you to do to make her feel secure in the marriage.

If she acts immature and fails to give you reasonable feedback, I would suggest you tell her aunts or closest relatives about the issues you are having. This traditional route usually helps. If you belong to a church, I also suggest that the two of you go for counselling to help you break down the issues. If all else fails, then I fear there may not be much help in your marriage. Marriage takes two people to make it work and both of you have to want to make it work, otherwise it will fail. It is going to take a lot of patience to get your marriage back to where is needs to be (on stable foundation). You need to be patient, lots of it and understanding. If you love her, then it is possible. If you do not love her, the things will not get better. If she loves you, she will be willing to work on her issues, but if she does not love you, then this marriage is already over. Good luck Sir in this marriage, and remember it is not over until it is over.

Lastly, if you know that you are a problem in the marriage then I think it is only fair that you acknowledge that and you make a change.
Until next week God Bless!

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