Mix of tradition, modernity key in marriage

They had told me that their granddaughter was getting married sometime in December. I thought they had visited to confirm the date and remind me not to forget. But there was more to their visit than just to inform me of the pending wedding ceremony.
They had come to collect some seeds of a particular tree in my yard. They said they were going to use them to help prepare ribbons for their granddaughter’s big day.
The granddaughter had gone past the stage when she was supposed to have done that, but had shown lack of interest at the time when most of the girls her age group were doing it.
“Vana ava unoti uchivaudza kuti hupenyu hunodanzwi unonzwa vakuti ‘gogo ndezvekudhara izvo,” she said as she was picking the seeds.
“Iye zvino ndavekumhanya mhanya kugadzirisa zvinhu, kuti iwo muti uyu, mumwe wandakazonotora kumusha wekuputa kwako.” (You know when you are telling children about life they don’t want to listen, you hear them saying that is old fashion gogo. Now I am running around trying to get all sorts of herbs.)
The husband laughed as he gave her some of the seeds that he had picked, which were drier than the ones that his wife had collected. “Chiregai kuita BP, modzi idzi.”
They had raised the granddaughter after their daughter had passed away. They were obviously ecstatic that she was getting married, and were proud of their success. She had lived with them from the age of 11.
This time the granddaughter was willing to prepare herself before her marriage; to do what many girls nowadays either shun or do grudgingly.
But a few decades ago it was a must to prepare ribbons. Women in most Bantu-speaking areas are expected to pull the ribbons as part of marriage preparation.
Some cultures in Zimbabwe believe that dried seeds of certain bushes or trees help to make it easy when stretching or pulling ribbons preparing the woman for playtime.
However, I would like to encourage people to consult with elders (or doctors) on which roots or portions to use, and how to use them and if they are safe as some concoctions can cause inflammation in that part of the body.
Traditionally, ribbons were pulled just before a girl was visited by the red woman (menstruation), around the age of twelve or thirteen, but now woman are visited by the red woman at around ten.
It was widely believed that the red woman made them to shrink, hence the job had to be done before the red woman’s arrival.
A cousin of mine, who was with me when this elderly couple visited, was curious to know whether it was still possible for her to prepare the ribbons at 26.
She sought the advice of the elderly women, who told my cousin that it was possible but it was going to be slightly difficult.
She would have to work extra hard, and use multiple concoctions including some that are inhaled (through smoke) while the others would be rubbed on the parts to be pulled, before she starts pulling the ribbons.
My cousin was interested in the one that is inhaled through smoke. The elderly woman invited my cousin to her home, so that she could explain to her, as that needed more time. The pulling and preparation of the ribbons was and is still very big with the Zimbabwean community, although they are some who are not into this practice.
A colleague of mine who lives and works in the UK, found that some women from Rwanda also practiced the same.
“I was on duty the other night, working with two ladies, one from Rwanda and one from another country in Africa,” she explained to me.
The other lady (from another African country), started to complain that women from Zimbabwe , were taking their husbands away. She was actually labelling us as loose women.
I asked her were they not retaliating by going for Zimbabwean men. She laughed and said that she would never dream of having a relationship with a man who was unclean, uncircumcised because in their country such men were viewed as boys.
The talk drifted to circumcision, and then I remembered a friend of mine, a Zimbabwean man who had a girlfriend from one African country, saying that he had ended the relationship because the lady had repeatedly asked him to be circumcised at the age of 43 because he was dirty, he lashed out at her that he would never do that to please a woman who had a “flat screen” who had no ribbons and that he would only marry a full woman with intact ribbons as long as his index finger.
“While I was surprised to find out that the practice was also common in as far as Rwanda, it gave our colleague(the other woman) food for thought because she had looked at us as loose,” my friend said.
A historian explains how men used ribbons, “This was done for us man so that in case a woman did not want to play that day a man was not supposed to force her (rape her) but persuade her by playing with her ribbons, with ribbons a man would never go wrong because eventually the woman would mellow down and respond.”
I asked the views of a traditional man, who added to what the historian had said. “Depending on the situation, one would wait until the woman has gone to sleep and then start playing with the ribbons while she is asleep, this would slowly bring her into the playing mood, that is if the man does it right.”
This means that ribbons were not only meant to please the man, but also to increase the pleasure in the woman, especially if she could be aroused in her sleep.
The elderly couple (sekuru and gogo) who came to my house also supported this notion. Sekuru said, “Waitonyatso bata zvakanaka uchinyengerera kwete kutswinya, kana mukadzi ainge anechakamushatirisa aibva atoita hasha dzakanyanya.
Nzira yacho yaibva yatovharwa, waitenge wakungotenderera kunze kwechivanze. Waitoita kunyengerera chaiko. Maoko kana aive neman’a waito nyika mumvura inodziya kuti ambopfava, wozoazora mafuta enzungu!” (You had to do it well, nicely, not rough, because if a man did not do it well, let us say the wife was angry then she would really lose it and the path would be closed (ribbons were also used to close the path).
A man was supposed to do it right, if your hands/fingers were not smooth then you were supposed to sock them in hot/warm water to soften them and then apply peanut butter oil.)
Ribbons are said to carry the greater part of a woman’s pleasure sport. It is one of the very sensitive points in a woman’s body. The man was required to buy beads for the wife to thank her for the ribbons or kushonga, the beads were called gomwe.
The female relatives (aunts) of the young woman would also give her some few beads, which would anchor the waistline, and combined with the gomwe would provide music in the leisure room.
The use of music in the leisure room is encouraged. One day I was watching Tyra and she asked three couples what kind of music they play during leisure time; one couple said jazz, the other one said they play rock, and third couple said they created their own music.
Beads created music during recreation time. To further prepare the young woman the paternal aunts gave the bride-to be what was called chinyu, a bottle-necked gourd, which she filled with some ointment that she would use to oil members of her husband’s family during the “bathing ceremony”(kupa mvura yekugeza).
She would use the remaining ointment for massaging her husband. When the woman died the chinyu was supposed to be buried with her.
I interviewed two elderly women on how a young woman was prepared for her marriage, and they concurred that chinyu could be used today to put oils for the couple to massage each other (before and after playtime), thereby bringing the couple closer other than just mechanical play where the man forces himself on the wife and then sleep straight afterwards.
The chinyu can be used to improve playtime. An aunt told me how they would have incisions (nyora) and that the incisions were done in such a way that they were bumpy and when touched during recreation time they would send waves throughout the body.
The incisions were applied in strategic places. There are women who feel that although the preparation of a woman might seem as done to please men, in a way women were empowered in the sense that they controlled their fore-play.
One women who decided to remain anonymous, said, “Women directed play in the leisure room, by being prepared for it, they knew what they were going to do in that room.
“You can only control what you know, today’s young women go into that room not knowing what they are going to do and they become very unhappy, because it is only the man controlling, calling the shots.” Women could use ribbons to empower themselves in many ways.
I will explore the topic further and discuss in other articles.
I asked the couple whether men were also prepared for playtime, sekuru explained, “Taidzidziswa ,asi zvedu zvakanga zvisina kuwanda sezvemadzimai. Chimwe chataidzidziswa kugusana, zvaikurudzirwa zvikuru.” (We were taught to shave each other).
An aunt explained how it was done. “Kazhinji mukadzi aitanga ndiye kugusa murume asi kana murume akugusa, waingoita reza yekutanga yepiri wooona Jakopo akuda kutamba, motombomira moona nezva Jakopo mombozorora mosimudzira kugusana kuye,rwepiri inenge yava nguva yangu Jakopo tinenge tapedza naye.” (The woman would shave the husband first and when it was the husband’s turn it was just one razor and the second ‘Jacob’ (Jakopo) would not be able to continue but want to play).
A young woman told me a story of how she was having endless fights with her family because she did not believe in the preparation of ribbons as she was told by her medical doctor that it was not healthy.
Gogo disagreed with the young woman and said she and generations of women who engaged in the preparation of ribbons did not have any health problems as a result of that, and she alluded to the fact that.
“Dai Zimbabwe ichine vakadzi nhaiwe, dai takapera kufaka tese, tese.” (If pulling or stretching ribbons was not safe healthy wise, then many women would be dead by now).
While we should uphold some of our cultural practices, perhaps medical scientists should help us to achieve this in a hyieginic and safer way rather that discrediting some of our cultures.
From the discussion I have heard with many women, both in Zimbabwe and in the Diaspora, women’s ribbons enhance pleasure during playtime and are part of sexual and reproductive health.
A friend of mine told me that in the UK some Zimbabwean women continue the practice and they use concoctions sent using courier.
There are elderly women who are instructing young girls on how to do it. In the past it was easy for girls of the same age group to convene at an elderly woman for instructions on how to pull the ribbons and prepare for marriages.
Those were the days when people lived communally in the townships, rural villages and mines. Unfortunately in the so called suburbia, where people don’t usually share information of this nature, the practice is dying.
Let us preserve some of our cultures, and challenge modern scientific research to work with tradition to improve some of our practices so that they are carried in safe environment just like male circumcision, which is now carried out in the hospitals.
lJoyce Jenje Makwenda is a researcher, archivist, author and freelance journalist. She can be contacted on – [email protected]