Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Our letters this week highlight a common theme. Life often presents tricky scenarios, thus it is always wise to be bold and make sound decisions that are not driven by emotions.
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When I married my husband 24 years ago, he had a one-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. I immediately loved and embraced her as my own. Her biological mother was not involved in her life, as she was living recklessly.
Later, I was blessed with two children of my own, a girl and a boy. Whenever my children spent holidays with my side of the family, my stepdaughter always came along and my family loved and embraced her.
She is now a smart and intelligent young woman who graduated with honours from a local university and we are very proud of her. She is set to marry her childhood sweetheart this December.
We were planning to invite her biological mother and her siblings to the wedding. I also hoped to be a “mother representative” during the ceremony, since I am the one who raised her. But she has firmly said no to this. She feels disdain towards her biological mother for never being present in her life.
She told us that if we insist on inviting her mother, she will not have a white wedding at all; instead, they will have a private ceremony at the courthouse. We do not know what to do.
Her bitterness towards her biological mother and her family is so strong it is starting to tear our family apart. My husband believes she is justified. Please, Amai, advise us.
Response
I understand this is a heartbreaking situation, but you must honour your daughter’s wishes. You have done a remarkable job in raising this young woman and you should be proud of the love and stability you have provided. It is her special day and it should be exactly what she wants.
You cannot force a relationship to mend overnight for the sake of a large event. Her anger is deep and stems from a lifetime of feeling abandoned. It is not something that can be resolved by a wedding invitation.
While your husband is right to support your daughter’s feelings, you are also right to worry about the family dynamic. Instead of insisting, you should sit down and talk with your daughter.
Explain that you understand her feelings and support her decision. By respecting her boundaries now, you show her that your love is unconditional.
Later, when the time is right, you can gently encourage her to consider reconciling with her mother, but that must be on her terms. For now, the best thing you can do is let her focus on the people who have been present in her life — and that includes you. Your role as her mother is not defined by a ceremony but by the love you have shown her for 24 years.
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Daughter wants to get married to family ‘enemy’
Ten years ago, I had a very bad fallout with my neighbour. To this day, we do not talk or even smile at each other when we meet. I know this is not good, but it is what it is.
The one positive thing is that we never let our children get involved in our cold war; they communicate normally and some even went to the same schools. My sister visited us last week to deliver a surprising message.
Our eldest daughter has been dating our neighbour’s son and they want to get married this October if we approve the relationship. We had no idea about this and are completely taken aback. Where do we even begin?
Response
Your children have proven the old saying that love can conquer all, even a decade-long grudge.
Ten years is a very long time to hold a grudge, especially one that you have not even mentioned the details of. It seems the only thing standing in the way of your daughter’s happiness is your pride.
The fact that the children maintained a good relationship despite your differences is a sign that they have always seen past the feud. This situation presents a perfect opportunity for you and your neighbour to bury the hatchet.
You and your husband should be the bigger people and extend an olive branch. You should also have a direct and open conversation with your daughter.
Ask her about her courtship with the young man and what qualities she loves about him. By doing this, you show her that you support her happiness.
Remember, your daughter and her boyfriend are adults. If you try to stand in their way, you risk not only alienating your neighbour but also your own daughter. Do not waste any more time. This is a chance to end a long-standing feud and celebrate your daughter’s love. I wish you all the best.
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Brother is power-hungry
Amai, thank you very much for your Sunday Mail column. My beautiful wife and I are both 32. We have a one-year-old son. We are both university-educated and gainfully employed.
We love and respect each other very much. I have three siblings: an elder brother and two sisters. As the last-born, I am constantly having problems with my brother.
He has no kind words for my wife and is always against her opinions or any contributions she makes during family meetings.
My brother wanted me to marry a girl he introduced me to years ago.
He knows perfectly well that we were two different people and could not make it work.
Still, he continues to compare my wife to my ex-girlfriend. He even tries to convince other family members that I chose beauty over character.
My wife is aware of this and has wisely distanced herself from anything that concerns my brother.
This has put me in a very tight corner. These two people are my world and they cannot continue to be at each other’s throats. I love my wife very much. Please, Amai, how can we bring peace to the family?
Response
Hello, and thank you for writing in. It is clear that you love your wife and your family very much and you are in a tough spot. Your instinct to protect your wife and seek peace is the right one.
Your brother is clearly struggling to accept your decision. He needs to understand that you are a grown man who chose his own life partner.
Your choice is not a reflection of his judgment; it is a reflection of your heart. You are right to stand by your wife and her decision to distance herself is a healthy way to cope with his disrespect. You need to have a one-on-one conversation with your brother.
Explain to him that his behaviour is hurting you, your wife and the entire family.
Be firm and clear that, while you love him, his disrespectful treatment of your wife is unacceptable and must stop.
Set a boundary by telling him that if he cannot be respectful, your interactions with him will have to change.
Your parents and other respected elders in the family can be a powerful force for peace.
They need to be aware of what is happening so they can intervene.
A family meeting, with them present, can help resolve the issue once and for all.
Their guidance and authority can help your brother understand the importance of family harmony. Continue to show your wife that you are a team.
Make sure she knows you appreciate her and support her, especially when your brother is being difficult. Your united front is the most important message you can send. It is a shame that your brother is allowing his own opinions to cause such a rift.
He made his own choice for a partner and he should allow you to flourish and live with the personal decisions you have made. Do not let this petty conflict steal your family’s joy. Focus on being a united family with your wife and son. I wish you all the best.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
Bongani Ndlovu
Online Reporter