Andrew
DEAR Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 34-year-old woman married to a 36-year-old guy and he is the last born in his family. We have two beautiful daughters. My mother-in-law has a chronic illness. We volunteered to take her from her rural home and bring her here so that she would easily access treatment and medication.
My husband and I are both gainfully employed so we decided to get the services of a nurse aid to help when we are away. She is, however, resisting the nurse aid and she wants me to help around the clock, which is impossible.
The other option she prefers is to have her daughter around. Tete is married and has kids so she only comes to help when she can and we understand and appreciate that.
The problem is she now cries a lot and gets moody.
We even got rid of the first caregiver because we thought there was something going on behind the scenes. What is worrying us is we have employed a new one but still she does not want her. We are now confused and we regret ever taking her from her home.
Response
Hello writer, I am very well and thanks for asking. You did well by volunteering to assist your mother in law in her time of need. It is not unusual for patients to be grumpy. Her outlook on life has possibly changed because of the illness and she prefers family as compared to strangers as one of her coping mechanisms.
My advice would be for you and Tete along with a counsellor to have a sit with your mother-in-law. I think you need to have a candid talk on the impact her illness is having on her. This goes beyond the issue of being selective when it comes to caregivers, she could be scared, agitated, disoriented and not taking well to medication to name but a few other complications that come with chronic illness.
Work on improving her mental as well as her physical health. I guarantee you will see results. It is a tall order and no one said it would be easy. Continue to do good and always remember why you signed up for it in the first place; to make a difference. I wish you all the best.
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Hubby is being distant
Amai, thank you so much for your Sunday Mail column. It is so informative. I tied the knot to my childhood sweetheart just last year, but the going is not as smooth as I thought.
My husband still clings to his unmarried friends and I rarely see him during holidays and weekends. I feel so lonely because we do not have any children yet.
What surprises me most is when they go out with his friends, he will be in the company of their girlfriends and he says he will be on his own.
This does not add up. He has never asked me to tag along with him.
Comparatively speaking, we used to have better quality time when we were dating as compared to now.
I do not understand why tables have suddenly turned. We are no longer as close. Please help. How do we rekindle our love?
Response
Hello and thank you for being a fan of the column. Your support keeps me going. As for your issue, I think you have clearly articulated it. Your husband is failing to strike a balance.
When you become a spouse, you need to be invested in your marriage as well as other commitments such as friends. You cannot live as though you are still single. You need to call a spade a spade. Have you spoken to him about this?
Do you know any person who is influential in his life? It could be a fellow churchgoer or an uncle but you need to rope in someone he respects to assist in resolving this. A happy partnership is based on effort.
He needs to prioritise your quality time. Also, inform him about the insecurities you have about the company he keeps when he is out.
That is the starting point of resolving this matter.
You would not want this to spill over into the future.
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Hubby wants more kids
I am married to a man who does not understand the value of a child despite their gender. We are blessed with four beautiful and intelligent daughters, but he still longs for a son.
My doctor advised me to stop having babies for health reasons but my husband insists that we should try one more time in case we have a boy. I do not like it when he envies people with sons in the presence of our daughters.
One of them once asked if dad truly loved them and I felt very uneasy.
Amai, I am in a tight corner and I do not know what to do. Should I go by what the doctor suggested or listen to my husband and take a chance?
Response
It sounds to me like you are in real trouble. It is difficult to change the mindset of a grown man, especially a father of four. He sounds like he is still living in the dark ages.
All children, regardless of their gender, can do the same things to great effect. I think he needs to start looking at the glass as half-full. Others are longing for children and he has four of them.
I would recommend counselling to help him understand family dynamics as well as how gender roles and traditional norms are fading away.
For the most part, it is important to look at the value of a person, not the gender. We have so many female success stories that he must be really working overtime to not see it or appreciate it. I would not go against the doctor.
You could experience complications and put both yourself and the child at risk. I wonder what other members of the family are saying. Is anyone in your corner?
Can they also be leveraged to assist you in stating your case?
Continue to love your daughters whole-heartedly. It is a shame there is a sense of neglect from their father. Please keep me posted. I would love to track progress.
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