adminFredrick Qaphelani Mabikwa Successful Solutions
IN my previous article I shared on the things a man should let go when he enters into a serious relationship. It is however sad that the number of young men who are husband material is slowly declining.
It looks like most of our young men don’t value marriage anymore. Half the time, most seemingly good relationships collapse because one of the two has made a wrong choice. While there are now a few men qualifying as marriage material today, decent men still exist and I will share 10 qualities a decent lady might want to consider in a man for a husband.
First you need a young man who fears God. I am not talking of church-goers but someone who fears God. Going to church and being Christian are two different things. People go to church for different reasons. Some go to church to raise funds, for some church is a hunting ground for women while some go to practise witchcraft.
A young man who fears God respects other people for we are made in God’s image. You can tell if a young man fears God from his language and how he treats other people. If he respects other people, it follows he respects God. When you are together does he attest that some of your plans are in God’s hands? Do you go to church together? When you have spare time does he talk about the Bible and God? It is my humble belief that a good marriage foundation is the fear of God.
I am assuming here that the lady also fears God herself. A young man who fears God respects human life. You need a man who values human life from womb to tomb; a man who knows that human life is very precious. He will be open to welcoming children into the world after you get married. I have no doubt that such a man will even be able to take good care of your parents in old age. You need a man who is a doer. You don’t want to be hooked up with a talker, you need a man who has a hard work ethic and does things. A man who has realistic dreams. A man who values education and has a clear career path. A man who wants to get to the top of his career path academically. You don’t need a dreamer.
Kenny Rodgers says in one of his songs “do not fall in love with a dreamer”, someone who is building castles in the air. You need a practical man. Such a man will be able to fend for his family, he will provide for his family financially no matter what the circumstances. I have seen men who are looked after by their wives. If it is a matter of the man deliberately failing, then there is no peace in that marriage. No woman wants to look after a man — in fact it’s even not Biblical for a woman to look after a man. The couple might pretend to the greater world but there is no peace in a marriage where the woman is the bread winner. You need a mature man. Does he talk about real life issues? Does he talk about owning a house or purchasing a stand and building or he just talks of driving the latest cars? Does he want you to have less fun and save for important things in life or he just wants to live for today? If he likes being in the latest fashion attire-wise, driving nice cars and eating pizza everyday and drinking expensive whisky in expensive bars, he is a potential disaster for a husband.
How is he fitting in his community? Has he joined the neighbourhood clubs? Does he say he can’t see you because he is visiting a neighbour who is in hospital or is burying a neighbour — such are signs of maturity?
How does he relate with his family? A man who says very bad things about members of his immediate family before he even marries you is a potential disaster. How does he treat his parents? The good Lord tells us to honour our parents so that our lives may be long and that it may be well with us. A mature man who has a good relationship with his family is a man you want to marry. You want a man who cherishes family life and time. If he likes his family, naturally he will like his new family as well. How does he treat his mother? If you want to know how a man will treat you just look at the way he treats his mother. I am not talking of those who have spoiled mothers, I can’t talk about these here, they deserve their own article.
In line with maturity, a potential husband is humble. Humility is being balanced and level headed. A humble man is not a show off. Avoid men who are show offs and do things for the public like the Pharisees in the Bible. A man who talks too much can’t keep his mouth shut in a group, talks non-stop and thinks his ideas are the best is not a good man. In most cases such a man is shallow mentally, an empty vessel.
Avoid a man who thinks he is never wrong and a man who won’t apologise when they make a mistake. You want a man who will admit his mistakes and apologise and make amends for hurtful actions. In marriage you are going to hurt one another over and over again during your life time. If you don’t know how to ask for forgiveness, you will not have a god marriage.
You need an honest man with a strong moral code. No woman wants to be married to a dishonest man and a liar. A man who lies cannot be trusted and where there is no trust there is no relationship. For some men lying is a culture. Avoid a man who goes around borrowing other people’s property to impress you — borrowing money to impress you, borrowing cars and even clothes to impress you. A man who prides himself in morality and becomes your future husband will definitely instill moral values in your children.
In line with a strong moral fibre get yourself a man who is free from addictions. Avoid men who have excessive attachments to drugs, alcohol, food, sex, computer games or TV. Addictions hurt relationships. The addicted person has no time for anyone or anything except that thing he is addicted to. Do not say to yourself you will change them. It is just a big risk to start a relationship with the hope of changing the other person’s behaviour. Some addictions have reached levels where they have become medical conditions and they actually need medical treatment. Why marry a patient from the outset?
Another important thing to consider is compatibility. Are you compatible? You cannot be 100 percent compatible but aim for more than 75 percent compatibility. The more compatible you and your partner are, the higher the chances of understanding each other’s thoughts and feelings and the greater the chances of a happy lasting and fulfilling marriage.
You need a man who has a similar background as yours. Someone with a similar background as yours will naturally share many interests, values and intellectual and philosophical interest with you. Yes, people have successfully married across tribes and races — there is really nothing wrong about this.
However, some couples have found themselves with mounting problems due some differences that emerge in different backgrounds. Just marry your own if possible, you avoid complications. The Shona have a good proverb, “rooranai vematongo” (marry within your own people).
You need a man who respects your feminity. Someone who recognises your beauty, in and out and honours your feminity. You need someone who understands his role as the husband and yours as the wife. You don’t need someone who always insists that certain things must be done for him because he is a man. This man belongs to the dark ages.
You need a good listener. Most problems in relationships emerge from poor listening skills. Most of our tendencies in conversations are to be thinking about what to say next rather than attentively hearing what is being said. Good listeners are normally respectful people.
Last but not least, get a man who is not afraid to love. Many young men are afraid of commitment that comes with loving someone. They quickly throw in the towel. You need a man with a strong character, a man who is not afraid of being real, who knows that hard times never kill and will be there for you in times of suffering and times of abundance. You need a man who so not afraid to love.
Now getting a man who will score 10/10 is very difficult, if not impossible. You can therefore settle for 9 or 8/10 and at times 7/10 but certainly not 6/10.
derick.khumalo