Online Reporter
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, how are you? Thank you very much for this platform. I am a 20-year-old woman currently living in Harare with my married sister, who recently gave birth to twins. Although my parents insisted that I move in to assist her, I would have declined had I been given a choice. My sister is naturally mean and moody, and after being here for a month, I am already fed up.
The atmosphere is stifling because of her strict rules. For instance, I am forbidden from watching television with her husband after she retires to bed and I am not allowed to joke (chiramu) with him.
I have a great deal of respect for my brother-in-law, who is a true gentleman and the complete opposite of my sister.
Recently, the situation worsened when my sister accused me of having a crush on her husband. This accusation deeply offended both of us and the tension in the house is now unbearable. I am at the point where I want to pack my things and leave without telling her. My sister has struggled to keep househelps in the past because of her personality. I feel trapped. Please, help me. I just want to dis-appear.
Response
Thank you very much for writing in. Reading your letter was truly disheartening; it makes one wonder what is happening in the world today. As siblings, you are meant to support and look out for one an-other, especially during difficult times. It is unfortunate that you did not provide much detail regarding your sister’s marriage. Is everything well in that relationship? There appears to be a profound lack of trust, particularly on her part.
Since it was your parents — not your sister — who initiated this arrangement, you must explain to them why the situation is not working. I suspect there is more to this than meets the eye. Generally, a sibling should be grateful for free assistance from a trusted family member. However, do not simply leave without speaking to her first.
Remember that you are family and need each other. Your sister’s current behaviour leaves much to be desired, and I also hope that the chiramu jokes you mentioned remain respectful. I wish you all the best in resolving this.
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I regret my divorce
Hello, Amai. I am a man who was married for 20 years before getting divorced. We have two adult sons. During the divorce, we split our assets equally. The divorce was bitter, with a lot of mudslinging between our families, and tensions remain high to this day.
Despite that, we have secretly reconciled and are now dating in private, much like Romeo and Juliet. We want to reunite officially, but we do not know how to go about it. The situation is tense and we are afraid of how our families and friends will react. How can we best move forward, Amai? We do not want to wait any longer.
Response
Hello, dear writer, and thank you for writing in. I am truly shocked by this entire situation. You are far too old to be sneaking around like Romeo and Juliet. It is unfortunate that the divorce was bitter, but now is the time to begin healing those wounds. Reach out to both family members and present your case. You only have one life to live and if you are serious, this is the path towards full reconciliation. I am not convinced you are ready, though. The way you broke up and then quickly reunited is concerning.
Marriage is not a children’s game where you can simply enter and exit at will. You should have taken your vows more seriously. Still, I suppose that is water under the bridge. Please seek relationship counselling to strengthen your reconnection and to understand the seriousness and solemnity required if you wish to remarry. Stranger things have happened and this will certainly not be the last. Defend your decision.
As for the rest of my readers, this is a prime example of why it is usually best to stay out of lovers’ quarrels and similar matters. In the future, couples may shock and disappoint you when they reconcile. Love is powerful and, arguably, one of the most confusing emotions.
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Half-brother not
taking care of me
I am a 21-year-old man who has an elder half-brother. We share the same father. He is a miner currently conducting operations on my father’s farm. He has become quite successful, as evidenced by his significant earnings and the lavish cars he drives. While I am grateful that he supports our parents, he has not extended any help or mentorship to me.
I did not manage to complete my Ordinary Level studies and I am currently struggling to find gainful employment. I am feeling very frustrated with my current situation and am desperate to change my circumstances. How would you advise I approach him to help him understand that I am eager to be-come successful, too? I want to move forward and improve my life, but I am not sure how to bridge this gap.
Response
The fact that you refer to him as your “half-brother” suggests underlying tension. Typically, if siblings share a strong bond, such distinctions are not emphasised. I am glad you have decided to address this. However, I must offer a word of caution: Jealousy is a destructive force. Before you approach your brother, you must understand that you have no inherent claim to your father’s land. As your father is still alive, he has the right to manage his property as he chooses, and it is clear he has authorised your brother to conduct business there.
You mentioned that you did not complete your Ordinary Level studies; I must ask, was this due to financial hardship or a personal choice? In life, we cannot claim success that we have not worked for. My advice is for you to sit down with your father and your brother to express your desire to earn your keep. Ask them for a job at the mine. If there is no deep-seated animosity, I am confident they will appreciate that you are asking for an opportunity to work rather than a handout. Be honest about feeling marginalised. If, after this conversation, they still do not accommodate you, then you must be prepared to go it alone. Do not let others dictate your life story. Take ownership, plan carefully and work hard to ensure your own success.
Feedback: beckychisamba @gmail.com
