Andrew
AMAI, I hope I find you well. We are newlyweds and I am the same age as my wife? We are both 28 and have been married for just three months. We do not have any children yet. My wife is high maintenance and I do not think I can afford to meet her demands. She changes expensive hairstyles frequently, gets pedicures and manicures done as often as possible. Her perfume and makeup is above my reach.
Please do not get me wrong, I really want her to look pretty but she should use products our budgets can accommodate. When she moved in, she proposed the idea of healthy eating so that is what we are doing.
We no longer go for fast foods we carry packed lunches to work. The recipes of the food she prepares are also on the steep side. I am already struggling Amai but I do not know how to put it across without sounding as if I am complaining. When we were still dating, I used to spoil her occasionally but it was not a weekly thing. Please help I love my wife but I have already started borrowing to meet her demands.
Response
Hello and thanks for writing in. Nowadays, the word on the street is tanha dzaunosvikira. This simply means you must pick a mate who is compatible with you on multiple facets including expenditure. The fact that you managed to get married and are in love tells me the two of you get along well. It is good to want to provide for your spouse but one of the cornerstones of marriage is being truthful to your partner.
You need to candidly tell her the truth. As long as you have each other and the basics, you will be just fine.
Some of the materialism traits that have gotten a grasp on the young generation are because they want to live a life to impress others and often embark on lifestyles above their reach. Be patient and honest with your spouse, let her know that there will be cutbacks in terms of the lifestyle she is leading.
If she is dear and true she will understand and apologise for putting you under such strain. Inform her that lifestyle is adjusted based on your income. It will not rain forever and whenever you have a surplus, you can choose to spoil her here and there. To my other readers please be honest in your relationships and try to avoid living beyond your means. It is hard to keep up a fake act.
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My house is like a halfway house
I am a married man aged 39. My beautiful wife is aged 36. God has blessed us so much. We already have a three-bedroomed house of our own. We have two sons. However, my house is like a halfway house.
Anyone who comes to the city stays with us. Some are even referred to come here by my parents back home. It is very difficult to turn family or friends away when they show up unannounced. I spoke to my parents about this but they were not amused.
My father thought I was being mean and my mother echoed the same sentiments. I cited the Covid-19 pandemic and the danger of having strangers in our space. It is such an inconvenience to my poor kids as we force them to share the same bed when we have visitors. Most of them do not even bring toiletries. My wife told me to sort out this problem alone since most of these people come from my rural home. I am scared because anytime my wife may burst and say something untoward. Amai, please help.
Response
I am pleased that you referred to your place as “my house”. That means you have dominion over it. Your parents can say what they want but you have to draw the line when people want to take advantage of you. Showing up unannounced in these challenging economic times is not considerate. Even though Covid-19 statistics are declining, we are still on high alert. Send people back.
Claim you have no space and that they should make other arrangements. Caution your close friends and family to ask in advance to stay at your place.
They may grovel and say what they want but once you have established your line in the sand, you will be happier. Ask your wife to assist you to make sure you do it in the nicest way possible. After all, you are a team. Continue to work hard and enjoy your success. I wish you all the best.
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I am attending two churches
Thank you so much for your Sunday Mail column. I am a married woman aged 29 and I am a mother to a three-year-old girl. We have been married for a year now, but we still stay at my in-laws home.
I attend a Pentecostal church but I was forced to join the family church. I got tired of these fights, so I decided to join them for their morning church services. As soon as we finish I go to my church in the afternoon. Their church is so passive! I sit like a zombie and do not even follow the proceedings.
Last week they set up a family collective to come and talk to me again about attending two churches on the same day. They do not understand what freedom of worship means. Amai, please help this has brought a lot of discord in my marriage and home.
Response
Hello and thanks for writing in. I am glad you enjoy and learn a lot from the column. There is a lot to unpack here.
For starters, the fact that you still reside with your in-laws may make them feel like they have the final say over what church you may or may not go to. This is not the way. However, I think you and your husband would best be served by attending one church as a family. You can choose which one to attend.
Compromise is a big part of marriage. Issues over which church to attend can be resolved by premarital counselling. I am sensing that the two of you did not attend any sessions. The way your entire family is acting is not Christian-like.
Christ himself stood for unity and universal inclusion. Does it matter what Christian denomination you belong to? In practice, all of you accepted Jesus as your Lord and saviour regardless of the churches you attend.
I urge you to find your own space and try to strike a balance between the kind of church you like to attend and the traditional kind he is accustomed to. Be sensitive to each other’s needs and find a solution.
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