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It goes without saying. Company executives who are generous with their sponsorship dollars? Every fan knows the game needs a serious injection of cash.
But hang on a minute. There is something else that ought to be addressed urgently. Team names. There is an old Chinese proverb that says “the beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.”
However, if the names of certain teams — current and ex-Premier Soccer League — are anything to go by, then it is fair to say that wisdom isn’t a commodity readily available.
In William Shakespeare’s masterpiece, Romeo and Juliet, the two lovebirds are caught up in a bloody feud between their respective families.
They find themselves in a quandary over Romeo’s name, Montague, which blocks Juliet from associating with him. Frustrated by circumstances she cannot control, Juliet then utters the immortal words, “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet.”
In other words, Juliet is telling the man of her dreams that even if he were to change his name, he would still be the same person. Well, maybe.
The significance of names has long been immortalised in poetry, business, politics and religion. For instance, when you hear the name Judas, you immediately think of treachery! Hitler’s name conjures up images of genocide while Bill Gates is a name associated with fabulous wealth.
Some names open all sorts of doors but others prompt people to bang doors in your face. In the Bible names are connected with people’s destinies and character. This brings us neatly to the theme of this article. As we all know once a football team is formed, the next step is to find a suitable name. Owners often look to the animal kingdom when creating an identity for their team. Think Black Mambas, Black Rhinos or Buffaloes.
Let me give you a little background. Many moons ago, my father took me to Rufaro Stadium to watch my first ever top-flight game between Black Aces and Dynamos. Aces won 3-2 and since no small boy worth his salt aligns himself with losers, I left the stadium a Black Aces supporter — to the delight of my dad! I know the team has fallen on hard times but I’ll be an “Ace” till the day I die.
In those days, with the notable exceptions of the mining clubs such as Ziscosteel, Rio Tinto, Wankie and Mhangura, the majority of teams had “proper” football names: Dynamos, Highlanders, Zimbabwe Saints and CAPS Rovers before they adopted the United tag. Monikers like Arcadia United and Gweru United are understandably inspired by geographical location. We’ve also had the pleasure of watching Chapungu and State House Tornados. And does anyone remember Boy Ndlovu’s Eagles?
Clearly, everyone has an opinion on what makes a good name for a football side but few of us stop to think about what actually inspired their favourite team’s name. There are various reasons why a club has a certain name but some names simply defy explanation. Take newly promoted Tripple B, for example. Just the sight of that name on the fixtures list is enough to make you weep non-stop for 90 minutes. Say it out loud a few times if you don’t believe me.
Naming football teams is a game with no rules but is it now a tradition in Zimbabwe that teams have names that verge on the bizarre? Just as there are some pretty cool names out there, inevitably there are a few flops. From the PSL down to the lowest tier — there are teams whose names make you wonder, “How on God’s earth did they come up with that?” Anyone ever scratched their head at the mention of Quelaton or Hardbody?
Being a fly on the wall at the meetings where all the new name ideas were floated around would have been some experience! Granted, a lame name isn’t going to hinder a good team just as an excellent one won’t win you trophies. But can you imagine the number of times legends such as Shacky Tauro, Onias Musana and Peter Nyama must have turned in their graves at the mere mention of zany names like Lengthens, Buymore and Kiglon?
Motor Action takes the cake for the nuttiest name ever given to a football team. I don’t know about you, but when I first heard it, racing on four wheels immediately came to mind, not 22 men chasing a windbag on a football pitch.
I understand the logic behind naming a team after a company but is it always the route to go when it comes to creating a footballing brand or identity?
As for Chicken Inn, please don’t get me started. Whilst most of us enjoy a tasty wing or spicy leg, spare a thought for the team’s fans — assuming there are any.
While a Highlanders fan can proudly call himself a ‘Highlander’ how does one seriously say “I’m a Chicken” and not feel like they’ve lost a touch of their dignity?
There are just so many ways for opposing fans to mock them, not least the fact that football and chickens go together like toothpaste and orange juice.
Not even Lionel Messi could make Chickens look cool or intimidating! I know this poor naming choice isn’t going to keep anyone awake at night, but I still think calling a football team Chicken Inn is rather daft.
A match involving Zimbabwe Saints or Chapungu is every sports journalist’s dream, giving birth to headlines such as “Saints on the march” or “Chapungu fly high”. But what is the imagery in describing a contest between Tripple B and Chicken Inn? “Chickens cluck their way to victory” is hardly a newspaper-selling headline, is it? And what in the world is the allegory for a game between Motor Action and Monomotapa?
So what should the people responsible for unleashing these truly strange names to an unsuspecting Zimbabwean football public do? Well, just use a speck of imagination and find another name.
It’s not rocket science, as some would say. As mentioned already, there is the whole animal world to choose from if they don’t fancy some adjective that summarises the philosophy of their teams.
A game of passion and skill should be populated by teams with dynamic names that exude a sense of power and purpose. You want a name that sends a message to the opposition, one that makes opponents feel insecure. It’s bad enough supporting a team that wins nothing, but if your rubbish team has a rubbish name, then it means you get double the abuse and taunts.
In the United States, for example, some of their most iconic teams have cool sobriquets; New York Giants, Chicago Bulls and Houston Rockets to name but three.
In the UK, where I’m based, and much of the football-playing world, teams are generally named after some landmark in a country or city. But we are Africans, and we can be a bit more creative than calling a team Reading or West Brom.
The beautiful game deserves teams with equally beautiful names, with some oomph! After all a team name is an identity, a rallying point, a unifying mantra for fans and players alike.
In some cases, the name of a team is the first thing that people see and, indeed, may be the only thing they know about the team. Isn’t it time we rid football of dumb team names?— Farayi Mungazi for the BBC World Service in London
Online Reporter