Sundaymail Editor
Brian Matsaira
So many people settle into relationships they do not want, because they are temporarily not attracting the people they want.
Many factors can cause this. It can be a financially unstable man who married a woman he did not love because she accepted him as broke as he was.
The moment he succeeds in life, he then starts cheating. He then goes to the type of woman he loved from day one.
Or it can be a woman who has no exposure, and who has no resources to attract the man she wants. She can decide to settle for any man who is willing to marry her, but as soon as her husband starts investing in her; buying her expensive cosmetics, clothes, and fancy hairstyles, she then becomes attractive to the men who once overlooked her.
As she becomes attractive, she can then decide to cheat.
Many times, we see sudden changes in people who acquire a certain level of success or those who start making money for the first time in their lives.
We generally blame money and say “it’s because of money that he is now cheating”.
Money does not make people cheat; it only makes it possible for them to cheat.
What makes people cheat is how they think. It simply shows they always wanted to cheat before they had money, but they could not because cheating is usually expensive. It needs resources for many people to be successful at it.
It takes money to attract women, it takes money to be loved by women and it takes money to maintain relationships with women.
Many men would want to cheat, but are always rejected by women because they don’t have money.
The truth is they simply do not have the resources to execute cheating.
These are men that surprise us whenever they start making money. We see them all of a sudden being interested in lots of women.
Then we start saying “money is evil.” No, they always wanted to do so, but they just did not have the resources to attract the women they wanted to cheat with.
People do not change from nowhere. Money makes people show who they really are. It is hard to define a person without money. Everyone looks humble and faithful without money.
Many people do not have access to places they want to be, they do not have what it takes to attract the people they want to be with.
But, given the chance and the access, they can easily cheat.
Most people may not be the angels we think they are. They are entertaining thoughts of cheating.
The only reason why they have not cheated yet is that they are being rejected by the people they want to cheat with.
And they do not dare approach the people they want to cheat with, or they are simply not getting attention from the people they want to cheat with. If the reverse is to happen, they too can cheat.
Cheating always has to do with chance and opportunity.
People do not always succeed when they want to cheat. We often do not record attempts and failures.
We usually record the cases of those who were caught. But what about those who wanted to cheat but failed?
The heart would have been willing to do so, but they would have been turned down by the person they would have wanted to cheat with.
This then shows us that cheating is in the mind, whether a person gets to be successful or not.
It is more to do with entertaining the cheating thoughts and being successful at doing so.
If the person decides to cheat, but goes on to fail to do so we cannot say that person did not want to cheat. In this case the cheating mind exists, what is lacking is a willing partner to make it happen.
This is what usually happens: A person starts with thoughts of cheating, then goes on to look for a person to cheat with.
The person goes on to approach different people, some will say no some will say yes. When the one who says yes is found cheating happens, but we would not know how many people would have been approached for this to happen.
So, we do not get to think deeply about this. We usually deal with this as a single case.
The problem is on the mind to cheat, yet people usually attack the person who would have participated in the cheating act.
They see that person as the main cause of cheating. What they do not know is that cheating was already in the mind of the spouse or partner, and it would have been done with the willingness or participation of a different person.
No one can be forced to stop cheating. No one gets to stop cheating by being beaten.
People stop cheating because they want to. Change only happens if the one cheating chooses to stop.
People usually stop cheating if they have something to lose, and it is always determined by how deep they would have invested in the relationship they are supposed to end.
Many people struggle to leave an affair that has children. If an affair is discovered early before it yields children many people do not mind leaving such a relationship because the roots are not that deep.
Some people, when they are caught cheating, are willing to end their illicit affairs. Some choose to go with the person they would have been caught cheating with.
There must be a willingness to stop cheating. If the person is showing that willingness, there is a need to involve counsellors and elders who can talk to that person.
Many pastors can play this role as well. Some people need to change their friends who are bad influences if they want to stop cheating. Patience is required.
Some people need time to go through the process until they eventually stop cheating.
The reason behind cheating also determines if cheating is going to stop or not.
Lust usually comes to an end. If it has to do with ex-lovers, it can be a challenge to end. This might require a lot of patience, prayers, and a lot of counselling.
Cheating that involves people who love each other, and who have a past is not easily broken. So, it also comes down to the nature of how strong the bond is.
Our next article will focus on what can people do to stop their spouses from cheating.
*Brian Matsaira is a love and relationships coach. He can be contacted on: [email protected] or 0773383687
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