Sundaymail Editor
I am a married 35-year-old mother of two. I come from a very powerful family. We are highly educated and self-sufficient. When I started dating my husband, my family did not approve of it, except my eldest brother.
My husband comes from a very poor family. They struggled with school fees and even ordinary day-to-day finances. I was in true love with him and my brother stood by me until we got married. My family sponsored our wedding and gave us a lot of presents that helped shape our life.
My personal car became our first family vehicle. We worked hard together and improved ourselves in terms of education and finances. I felt happy because I proved my judgmental family wrong. Last month, I discovered that my husband was madly in love with another woman.
He has been taking money out of our business to spend on her. Amai, I am heartbroken. I do not know what to do.
When I confronted him, he showed no remorse at all. His answer was most men do that and their wives do not blow their heads off. I have not told my family about this yet because it is killing me. I now regret having met him. Ndakayambutsa dindingwe. Please help.
Response
I am sorry that you had to find out this way. You gave it your all and a beautiful family blossomed out of it. The fact that he shows no remorse suggests that he is arrogant and has lost his way. Before you involve the rest of the family, inform your brother.
The three of you need to have a talk to ascertain why your husband is fighting so hard to break his marriage. It is normal to regret. Always remember that hindsight is 20/20. There was no way you would have known that it would turn out this way.
Dialogue is usually a good starting point. I recommend involving a relationship counsellor, as well as a senior relative from his side. However, if he remains adamant that this is what he wants, you may have to start planning for the future and navigate past this ugly chapter. I hope it will not come to that.
If this fling is based on a love for money alone, then it will not get far. I wish those who step out of marriage would take accountability of how their behaviour affects those around them, especially the children and spouse. The major sexually transmitted infection risk involved makes these selfish endeavours not worth it at all.
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I am getting mixed signals
Amai, I hope I find you well. I am 27 and my husband is 30. We have one beautiful daughter. I get on very well with my husband, but there is something that is annoying me very much. My husband is a gifted singer.
He loves music and is in the church choir. I have no problem with that. His old flame is married and goes to the same church, and is in the same choir. I know they both love music since my husband told me that when they started dating back then, they had met at a music festival. They dated for four years and broke up. We dated for a year and got married. I am telling you all this so that you have a clear background.
Every Wednesday, after work, they go for practice at church. I do not feel good about this day. Thinking they are together is like a bitter pill to swallow. Last week, this woman’s car broke down at church and she left it there. My husband volunteered to drive her to her house.
Why him out of all the other choir members? I asked him why they did not call her husband and I did not get a satisfactory answer. Amai, is this not a red flag? Worshipping in the same church with this woman is destroying my spirit. What should I do? Do you think there is a possibility of them rekindling their old romance?
Response
I think the best thing to do in this scenario is to nip it in the bud. I think this is why people are discouraged from dating in the same church or office. Once things go south, seeing that old flame will always be a constant reminder of what once was. At times people are creatures of habit. They may end up finding ways to reconnect. The car story sounds fishy. I think it is time you told your spouse how uneasy all of this makes you feel. You may even end up attending another parish in a nearby district or try to tweak service times so that you minimise interaction with this ex-flame.
The good thing is your hubby was honest from the start and let you know what transpired in the past. Going forward, it should not be too much of a stretch to try to avoid anything reoccurring altogether. Being proactive is not entirely a bad thing. Let me know how it goes.
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I feel let down
I am a married man. My beloved wife and I are in our late fifties and nearing retirement. We never had children of our own, but always had a full house. We used to accommodate relatives from both sides of the family.
We have used our precious savings to send a number of our relatives’ children to school. Some of them are now grownups and married, while others are working and have made it in life. My concern, Amai, is they never look back and say thank you, or assist us in our time of need.
My wife was in hospital for a week. I struggled with the bills and had to sell some of our sentimental possessions to raise the money.
Some did not even come to see the woman who looked after them with a lot of love. A few would phone and promise to come, but whether they will fulfil these promises or not, nobody knows. My question is: Would I be wrong if I ask some of these guys why they are acting in this manner? My wife says we should leave them alone and keep our pride.
Response
It is unfortunate that your wife went through such an ordeal. I am glad that she is now well. I also like your positivity. You look at the glass as half full. Some would have been distraught over the issue of not having their own children but you were a blessing to many other kids. You should be applauded.
I think you must not suffer in silence. While it may seem natural to you that these guys would help out of their own volition, at times they need to be reminded. You need to call a spade a spade. Do not try to guilt-trip them because you assisted them in the past, rather be vocal about how you need assistance in this day and age. They may not even be fully aware of your financial predicament.
Lastly, do not address them as a group. Converse with them individually and inform them of the challenges you and your spouse are going through. I guarantee you will see results. It is human nature to forget who helped us once we turn the corner.
Jesus himself healed 10 lepers and only one returned to thank him once he was well. When we do good, we do it to honour God and fulfil our virtuous nature. While we may not get a pat on the back all the time, our good deeds will always spur more blessings as well as have positive effects on those we assist. Continue to live your best life. This is but a season. I wish you all the best and hope your earlier seasons of success are restored.
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