Of idiotic spite and entitled criminals

BAR TALK with Bra Gee
Who am I?
I am known for many things. First of all there is my rise from very humble beginnings to the sky high heights that I once attained before my dismal fall which some enemies say is due to my using the brain beneath the belt much more often than the one in my head.

Not that the one in my head could ever be mistaken for an Einstein/Machiavelli relation. Far from it.

I have become known for being a staunch believer in the principles of the last person to have a chance to pour anything into my rather malleable brain.

You may remember how I used to say that in spite of a marked preference for women myself, I embraced people of all sexuality.

Then one day I turned around and went on a gay bashing rant, which was not even in my own words but used the very phrase that had just been publicised by a man whose veneration by so many I have always tried to downplay.

Then of course there was an outcry from the gallery that believes that it controls me and I quickly retracted that statement and claimed to be an open minded fellow who really does not care the end that other fellows take their pleasure from, as long as I can have mine, especially with some yellow bone.

Now there is this piffling little business of people thinking that they can take away my dream and move on without me.

First of all it was that lot who thought they would flaunt their certificates in my face and what happened? They could hardly get together a few peasants to believe their cause and they became nobodies fighting over nothing.

Now this other group led by that narcissistic and egotist lawyer, he of the crude mouth, decides that they will use my name to get into that big house then walk out on me?

And they thought I would take that lying down? Now they have discovered that I am perfectly capable of slicing off my nose to spite my face — not that it has ever been a very pretty face to start off with.

So who cares if by destroying a fellow enemy of my enemy I am actually strengthening that common enemy? Who gives a damn if the lion devours all our meat while we dogs quarrel about who will get the bones?

As long as these upstarts with their renewal nonsense lose out then I am satisfied!

Now I can turn to the more serious business of these yellow bones of mine who just cannot seem to get enough.

Don’t they understand that eventually even those of us who fancy themselves best of the best at these bedroom gymnastics reach a certain point when you are just no longer the man you used to be?

Let them eat cake

Our hearts bleed for the poor prisoners who were forced to riot after being served sadza and relish. What the hell is relish anyway? But that is not our bone to chew today.

Poor, poor fellows! What inhuman treatment they are being subjected to.

Giving them meals that are less than the world approved standard is surely a crime against humanity. The only rights that the prison can take away are the freedom of association and free movement.

Anything else is gross abuse and cannot be countenanced in modern society.

This Government of ours must immediately prioritise the human rights of these poor prisoners. Never mind that these are properly convicted charlatans who are only in prison because they did not read the part of the Human Rights Charter which says Universal.

Or maybe they did not understand that the victims of their crimes had the right to their property, lives and are perfectly entitled to only have sex with people of their choice when they feel like it.

The concept of having someone pay for their crime is barbaric. Prison should be a warm and comfortable place for these misguided souls to discover just what a kind place the world can be. For these people only become criminals through circumstances beyond their control like poverty or through their parents not kissing them enough when they are babies.

So let the Government forget about all other petty issues like adequate remuneration for civil servants while any little money that we can get goes towards ensuring that the conditions of serving time in our jails are attractive.

Let us not just stop at food. Safe and pleasurable sex is also a human right, we have been led to believe. So maybe if dear Brother Robert was getting his dues as was his wont on the outside he would not have been driven to drive his fellow inmates into trying to break out.

There is more to this one we think. If you saw those photos of the fellow at the back of the prison truck in the papers then maybe you will understand our suspicion that possibly the other fellows were running away from Gumbura.

But whatever the case maybe, we are with the sob crew of (un)civil society on this one. Prisoners come first!

Hint hint

Getting an education maybe viewed as archaic in an era where school proof persons get filthy rich, buy certificates then start asking for qualifications from those who spent half their lives in school of one sort or another. But sometimes, being able to open books is a requisite of keeping that money safe from some of those same certificated fellows. Keep your eyes peeled for the story of a regular guest on this space who has been fleeced because books were never his best friends.

Last Call

Do you remember all those scandals about superlative salaries at some of these State institutions? Our municipal boss has refused to give up his sky high package and now he is placing adverts in the press asking us to pay our inflated bills for services not rendered!

There is one other of these super powered fellows we would like to see the back of. We believe that his ‘chief’ days are numbered since it is well known that he was key conspirator in that famous misalliance. Remember his tout trick? Anyway we can imagine how his interview for a new job in the private sector would go:

Human Resources Officer: “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

Our boy: “In the region of $600 000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

Human Resources Officer: “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50 percent of salary, an executive car that becomes yours after six months, living allowances of $1 000 each for all your many children including any yet unborn ones, as well as social welfare benefits for any number of wives you may wish to register?”

Our boy: “Wow! Are you kidding?”

Human Resources Officer: “Yeah, but you started it.”

Till next week, bottoms up!

 Facebook: Bra Gee, Email:[email protected], Twitter:@brageesbar