Only those with positions happy in church

Thandekile Moyo

I HAVE never liked going to church. Even as a child, I was never drawn to Sunday school, or anything Christian, actually. The Bible has always seemed long and boring to me and that tiny text in most Bibles made me loathe the book even more. I also disliked school immensely. I used to bunk most of my lessons and spent the few that I did attend, reading “Mills and Boons” (romantic novels series) at the very back of the classroom or giggling with my partners in crime Jacqueline Kundishora and Tapfuma Jongwe. Were it not for the Grace of God and my fear of my parents, not only would I be destined for hell I would also have failed and been resigned to a life of poverty and nonentity. Without a doubt, sermons and lectures, are by far, the most boring things I have ever been subjected to!

As I grew older, I experienced some guilt about my hatred for church. I would see bad things happening in my life and think maybe God was punishing me. My embarrassment about my heathen ways reached fever pitch when I moved in with my in-laws. I forced myself to go to church and pretended to love every tedious moment of it. I actually even got to lead some home Bible sessions on behalf of my mother-in-law. That was also around the time when my son was diagnosed with cerebral palsy, a condition that caused him to be severely disabled. In my quest to find comfort for myself and healing for my son I drove head first into Christianity and held on to my faith for dear life.

We once visited a faith healer-cum-prophet who made each “patient” pay consultation fees, buy a chicken and 2 litres of raspberry juice to be used in the healing ritual. I now find it hilarious how we were ordered to wash ourselves with the raspberry juice as it symbolised us being cleansed by the blood of Jesus. When she heard our case, she told us that someone had brought their child, who had the exact same condition as my son and he left the “surgery” walking after she had healed him. I was shocked to discover we would only receive that miracle after being dunked one by one into a fast flowing river in order to wash away our sins and diseases. I remember my young and innocent self holding my poor little boy as he was roughly dipped into the turbulent waters. I prayed the mermaids she claimed she had wrestled a few days ago would be too afraid to come and fight the formidable healer once more. We went back home dripping wet and waited for George to break out of his wheelchair in a run. That must have been in the year 2006, we are still waiting.

I once attended a healing session led by Zimbabwe’s prophetic couple, Mathius and Mildred. They asked all those with seriously ill people to sit on one side of the stage, and all the deaf and dumb to go on the other side. I marvelled as I witnessed the deaf start to hear and the dumb scream and shout.

My heart swelled with hope and faith. When they came to our side of the stage, they explained that due to time constraints, they would not be able to individually attend to us and would instead have a mass prayer for this batch. I decided to personally approach the man of God and beg him to heal my son. I explained the situation to him, shoved my son in his face and pleaded with him to just lay his hands on him and heal him. He said he was sorry, they really had run out of time so he gave me a small piece of cloth and told me to pin it on his clothes and pray for him, and he would be healed. I threw it away in disgust and vowed I would never again be a victim of such scoundrels.

I know many people who go to church to find solutions for their problems. Churches are thus filled up by the broken hearted, the seriously ill, the infertile, spinsters failing to find marriage, “small houses” (mistresses) trying to get the first wife to go, poor men searching for wealth and many other troubled souls. Prophets dangle the carrot of healing and prosperity and the weak flock to them hoping for a bite. People in non-working relationships also go to church in order to find solutions to their marital/relationship problems. Those who feel guilty for their sinful past also fall victim to these charlatans we call men and women of God as the Christian doctrine threatens people with hell causing followers to live in the perpetual fear of being burnt for their sins. The lazy and the greedy are also major believers as they soak up the prosperity gospel and give their last dollar in hope that God will return it to them tenfold. Seeding, as they call it, is some form of get rich quick, pyramid like scheme that is sold to gullible believers who for some reason, fail to realise they are planting the seed in the pastor’s garden.

I fully believe that people drag themselves to church just so that people do not judge them. Given a choice, I think most people would rather spend their Sundays sleeping in and watching TV but the fear of hell forces them to go to church. For women, church is one of the only respectable and socially acceptable places we can socialise so we flock there to catch up on the latest gossip and show off our new outfits. I have heard people say they go to church so that they are assured of a decent burial with many attendees or so that they have support when there is death or illness in the family. Some young men and women go to church to find “good”, “God fearing” spouses. Some people go to church just to while up time. I strongly suspect that the only people who are happy in churches are those with starring roles such as choir members, section leaders, ushers, alter boys, pastors’ bodyguards and anybody else who directly benefits from the service.

It seems to me that most people go to church searching for something. It is the place of hope and dreams and provides comfort and fellowship to the unhappy and heavy laden. The only happy people you find in church are the overly grateful who feel they owe God a few hours of worship for all the good things in their lives. Imagine there was no Heaven and no hell. Imagine nobody was watching and nobody knew your inner thoughts and feelings. Imagine there was nothing to fear and your God just let you be. Imagine you had no problems, fears or worries . . . Would you still go to church?