Partner’s cheating driving me crazy

Dear Coleen
I was out with my partner of six years the other night when a woman I have never met before came up to me and asked me if we were together. I said yes and then she told me that she’d had sex with him behind my back.

He denied it, but now I don’t know who to believe. The thing is, he has cheated on me before, but that was four years ago.

We have a family together and were best friends before we got together. I just don’t understand why a total stranger would say something like that if it weren’t true. I’m in bits.

Coleen says
Honestly, I think if that had happened to me, I’d have to believe it, like you say, why would a stranger randomly say something like that?

I think you need more information, did it happen four years ago when he was going through a period of cheating or was it more recent?

You have to explain to your partner that this has completely rocked your world after trusting him again. And tell him you want to know the truth because you need to deal with it whether that’s moving on with him or putting the final nail in the coffin. He needs to give you that option.

You can deal with it one way or the other when you’re satisfied you know the truth. When you’re in love with someone and they’re denying it, you want to believe them, but you will always have that niggling doubt. He should respect you enough to be honest.

Dear Coleen

I need your advice because I think I’m being bullied and treated unfairly at work since I had sex with my manager.

It has been so hard to work alongside her since the night we slept together.

Now she is always chatting about me behind my back. Sometimes I catch her saying things, which can be pretty hurtful.

What’s your advice? I hate going into work now and don’t know how to make things better.

Coleen says

You’ve been intimate enough to have sex, now you need to be grown-up enough to confront it.

Ask her for a meeting and say, ‘We can’t change what happened, but I’d like to move on with no hard feelings. What you’re doing is unnecessary and I don’t think I deserve it’.

And ask her how she thinks you can move on.

Your boss is acting like a woman scorned or maybe she’s just embarrassed and doesn’t know how to handle it.

But, the fact is, unless one of you leaves your job, you have to find a way of working together and remaining professional, hopefully without having to involve the HR department.

That’s always the danger of getting involved with someone in the office or having a one-night stand with a colleague – if things turn sour you have to see that person every day.

Dear Coleen

I am seven weeks pregnant and my boyfriend, who I’ve been with for two and a half years, has just lost his football career.

I can’t even talk about the pregnancy with him because he is still so devastated about his job.

He’s known about the pregnancy for three weeks now and said that we’d get round to discussing it, but he hasn’t yet.

I don’t know what to do about the situation because all he can think about is himself. I feel sorry for him because he’s worked so hard, but I need answers.

Coleen says

I’m afraid he needs to talk about it right now if you’re contemplating not keeping the baby.

I’m sure he is devastated about his career, but he can’t change what happened, and he should man up and help you make a decision.

There’s no time to dance around the topic, you simply have to explain to him that you have a window of time in which to discuss this. Ignoring it isn’t going to achieve anything.

If he continues to refuse to talk about it, then the decision has to be down to you alone. And if you decide to carry on with the pregnancy, then you may have to accept you’ll be parenting alone.

I understand he’s upset, but he’s being incredibly selfish. You’re acutely aware of his situation and sensitive to it, but he’s not considering you at all.

Yes, this pregnancy may have come at the wrong time and you might be worried about how you’ll afford to have a child now. But in six months or less, he might have another job or a different career.

You have to look at the bigger picture – think of life as a marathon and not a sprint.

And take it from a mum of three, there’s never a “right time” to have a child. You have to be the strong one, but make sure you get support from your family and friends.

Also, go and see your GP to date your pregnancy and get advice on your options. —Online