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Laina Makuzha-LOVE by DESIGN
Part 2
Last week we discussed some of the things to consider if you’re still searching for true love and indicated that the article would continue this week with more tips from a few relationship experts. After discussing some of the ways to meet someone and find true love, experts continued to address some of the ways to ready yourself to accommodate someone in your life for a wholesome relationship:
Take time to be by yourself, but not too long
It’s important after a divorce or any break-up after a long relationship to take some time to be alone, said Nicole Baras Feuer, a divorce coach with Start Over Smart in Westport, Connecticut.”You will be in better shape to meet the ‘right’ person if you have time to heal, spend time alone to figure out who you are again, reflect on what went wrong, so you don’t repeat the same mistakes over and over again,”Feuer said. Instant sexual attraction often fades.
Most good love is a slow burn — it takes a while to develop, Gandhi said. She believes attraction is important, but you don’t have to feel it right away since that instant spark is more about lust and less about the stuff real relationships are made of.
“Emotion can change and deepen over time so give people a fair shot” Feuer added.
Beware of the ‘opposites attract’ theory.
Opposites attract at first, but they’ll likely face major friction points down the road.
Like-minded people actually make for easier and healthy long-term relationships, said Dr. Gail Saltz, a New York psychiatrist. The more you see eye-to-eye on, the less there is to argue and compromise about.
Be optimistic
“That means you believe at any cost that you’re going to find that love; love is meant for you and it will come to you so that you just have to date l…until you find it,” Gandhi said. You have to embrace the process of dating, so adopting a “psychotic optimist” mindset will make it more fun once you’re convinced true love is really out there for you. Gandhi recommends dating several times till you find the one to be exclusive with.
Dating means “casually getting to know,” not sleeping with someone. She advises not being intimate until you’re in a committed, exclusive relationship, while the Christian approach however, teaches total abstinence till marriage. Most people take a position on the matter according to their faith, beliefs or choice.
Understand your own needs
Do you need a lot of space? Desire lots of affection? Have to know what’s going on all the time? “Whatever your style is, it’s OK, but you need to know it and be able to communicate it to your future spouse. You can train each other if you both know what you need,” Tessina said.
Know the difference between fooling around and building a real relationship-also the difference between dating and courtship. “You can mess around with anyone…” Tessina noted, “but before you bring someone into your life, or share money or living space, remember they’re bringing baggage.”
The person you’re dating is on their best behaviour in the beginning, she advised. It gets worse later, not better, so get to know what’s hidden before going too far.
Stop pining for someone who is unavailable.
Work on understanding that holding on to somebody who isn’t interested or isn’t there for you is harmful, and move on. “You have to see that as a big dark black pit that you have to climb out of or you’ll be buried in it,” Schwartz advised. That said, it’s really up to an individual how to go about finding and nurturing that love.
Ultimately, each individual has their own idea of love and what they will allow in their lives. As always I root for love and if you’re still searching, I am cheering for you. You will get there. If you already have love, kudos to you, please share notes if you can.
Some say love alone is not enough, it must be complemented with a whole lot of other things in order to balance. So I say find that balance , do what it takes to build a strong lasting relationship, just the way you like it.
Let’s keep the conversation going, exchanging helpful tips, sharing experiences, solutions to challenges and building those unshakeable relationships that stand the test of time. I’ve had many topic requests and am definitely on it – many thanks for all the feedback I receive weekly.
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