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Laina Makuzha-LOVE by DESIGN
I recently came across a pile of old magazine that took me down memory lane to a time when they were largely my go-to source of relationship stories.
I would treasure hearing love stories, stories of how a couple met, how they connected, what made them choose each other, how they make their relationship work — whether it is a marriage or a steady relationship.
I would also look for the unique stories that had deeper lessons.
This is when I would pick out the odd heartbreak stories where an individual would be telling it with an honest look at what went wrong and without playing the victim.
As the adage goes, “hindsight is 20/20.” I am all for moving forward rather than trying to go forward while looking in the rear view.
However I also believe the rear view, when used correctly, has its important ‘precautionary’ part to play in our moving forward with safety.
You may already know that “hindsight is 20/20” is commonly used in reference to the phenomenon of what I would call a ‘delayed light bulb moment’, in other words being able to see things more clearly after they have happened.
It is derived from the idea that our vision is usually better when looking backward than forwards, which of course is arguable.
I am however, inspired to delve in the role of hindsight in improving our current or future relationships. I find much value in taking a moment to just take stock, examine and acknowledge the lessons drawn from experiences that caused trauma or still affect your present.
When it comes to that process of taking stock, or looking back on relationships and marriages, how honest are we about our role in the breakdown or success of the union? I have often heard the expression: “If only I knew then what I know now . . .”
Indeed, I ask: if you knew, what would you do differently?
What lessons can we draw from our past experiences so that they were not suffered, lost or endured in vain?
Relationship expert, Dr John Gottman, emphasises the importance of communication, stating, “The key to a successful marriage is not how much love you have, but how well you handle disagreements. — ‘The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 1999”.
Actors David and Tamela Mann, married for over 30 years, attributed their success to communication and trust. In an interview with Essence, David shared, “We make sure we talk about everything . . . We do not let things build up.” (Essence, 2019)
More couples’ stories
Tom and Debi Walter, married for 45 years, shared their secrets in an interview with Focus on the Family. Debi emphasised, “Laughter has been a key part of our relationship . . . It helps us navigate life’s challenges. — ‘Focus on the Family, 2020”
Biblical wisdom
The Bible offers timeless wisdom on marriage, emphasising mutual respect, love, and submission. Top on my list of scriptures about it is Ephesians 5:33 “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband,” highlighting the delicate balance between love and respect.
Dr Sue Johnson, developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), stresses the importance of emotional connection. “A successful marriage requires a deep sense of safety and security. ‘Hold Me Tight, 2008”
What we would do differently
On a good day, you will find some folks who have known the pain of breakdown of marriage or a relationship that they had committed to — willing to share where they think they missed it, and might even go so far as to mention what they would have done differently if they knew then what they know now.
Actress and author, Viola Davis, reflected on her marriage in an interview, on what she could have done differently, saying: “I would have communicated more . . . I would have been more patient. ‘Oprah’s Next Chapter, 2013”. Davis’s words echo the sentiments of many who have experienced the ups and downs of relationships.
Kris Jenner, matriarch of the Kardashian-Jenner family, also reflected on her marriage to Robert Kardashian, sharing valuable lessons: “I think when I look back, I would have done things differently. I was very young, and I was very naïve. I didn’t know how to navigate the situation.” she said in a 2018 interview with ABC News’ Martin Bashir, Kris Jenner shared her regrets and lessons learned from her marriage to Robert Kardashian.
Regarding her divorce, Jenner stated: “I think the biggest regret is the way it ended. I wish we could have figured out a way to make it work.”
On co-parenting, she emphasised: “Robert and I, we had to learn how to co-parent, and that was a challenge. But we did it, and I think that’s really important for the kids.”
In other interviews, Kris Jenner also shared: “I was so obsessed with Robert, and I think that obsession was really unhealthy. ‘The Howard Stern Show, 2013.'”
There is so much that one can learn from doing that deep dive, especially when done for purposes of moving forward with better understanding of what changes to make. Aspects that seem to come up over and over as things that could have been done differently, include but are not limited to:
Communicating more effectively
Prioritising emotional connection
Cultivating gratitude and forgiveness
Embracing conflict as an opportunity for growth, not as the end of a relationship
Nurturing intimacy and affection
Hindsight may be 20/20 for some, but it’s never too late to apply the lessons we’ve learned. So whether in a new relationship or celebrating decades together, we can:
Reflect on past experiences, seek wisdom from experts and scripture, cultivate healthy communication, prioritise emotional connection and embrace growth and learning.
By doing so, we can build stronger, more resilient relationships and marriages.
What lessons would you like to share, from your own experience or those around you in seeking to do marriage better or have better relationships as a couple and with children?
From Kris Jenner’s experiences for instance unlikely as many would view it — one could draw the following take-aways:
Youth and naivety can impact relationship decisions.
Effective communication is crucial in navigating challenges.
Co-parenting requires effort and commitment (not one-sided)
Self-awareness and personal growth are essential.
Unhealthy obsessions can harm relationships.
Let us keep the conversation going on the following: Whatsapp+263719102572 E mail:[email protected]
Online Reporter