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COMPARISON is the thief of joy! Some people are under pressure because of statistics of how much other couples are doing it in a week leave them stressed out.
It’s natural to be curious about how often people have sex. But worrying if you are “normal” or the odd one out can kind of feel like high school vibe. The truth is, when it comes to couples’ sexual frequency, the answers vary. Every relationship is different and what feels right and comfortable for one couple, may not work for another. Weekly statistics vary as well!
The most common shared information says that happy couples have sex once a week. So, this has made some people to start wondering if they are normal or not as they are having more or less of that.
Relationship comparison is so real. Whether you are scrolling through Instagram or Facebook or even just chatting about relationships with friends and family, it’s easy to feel like your relationship isn’t what’s considered “normal,” especially when it comes to intimacy.
You are supposed to wait for three dates to have sex, one year to move in together, two years to get engaged, and another year until you get married — all these arbitrary timelines are exhausting! Of course, everyone wants to be in the happiest relationship, but why do you have to follow the same timeline as everyone else? In the same vein, why do you all have to have sex the same amount of times in a week?
All of these numerical expectations of frequency are the last thing one should be worried about when it comes to their sex lives. Trying to reach a quota will not benefit your relationship.
Sociologists love studying couples almost as much as they love studying sex, so there’s tons of information out there on how often happy couples should be sleeping together. Experts discovered that having sex once a week was the perfect medium for couples. However, couples having more sex weren’t more or less happy, but couples having less did report being less fulfilled sexually. Another study found that the average adult prefers to have sex 54 times a year, which roughly equates to once a week.
In spite of these studies that actually do support the idea that couples should be having sex once a week, it was revealed that attempting to reach a certain quota of sexual activity had no benefit for couples’ relationships. This study split couples into two groups: Group A kept their sex lives normal, while Group B had twice as much sex as they had had previously. At the end of the study, Group B actually reported that the sex “wasn’t much fun” and that it started to feel like a chore. Your sexual awakening might come from having less sex!
In a world where it feels like there’s constant pressure to increase the amount of sex you are having, some people often forget that being more in tune with yourself sexually might involve having less sex, instead of more.
For a lot of people, their sexual awakening will involve less sex, not more. It is different for every single person. Often, getting the most pleasure out of your sex life means adjusting your sex life to fit your current needs, goals and priorities, not adjusting it to an arbitrary number or to other people’s expectations!
If you are having great sex and feel connected to yourself and your partner, there’s no reason to be concerned with fulfilling an arbitrary number.
If you are finding yourself spiralling about how much sex you are having, it may be an indication that you need to focus on the quality of your connection to yourself or your partner over the quantity of physical intimacy. I think there are so many other ways to validate how you are feeling about sex other than frequency.
In most cases, when people are curious about the frequency, they really just want to feel more connected. They want to feel more present. They want to feel more in touch. Investigating the ways in which you can feel more in touch with yourself, your libido, your sexual desires and your emotions might eliminate the frequency question from your mind entirely. After all, if you are having great sex and feel connected to yourself and your partner, there’s no reason to be concerned with fulfilling an arbitrary number.
If there isn’t a strain on your relationship, and your needs are both being met, why should others or science question how often you should be getting it on with your partner? There’s really no need to mess with a good thing. It’s easy to feel like your sex life doesn’t measure up to someone else’s (ie that one couple who has sex every night vs the other couple you know who is perfectly fine going once or twice a month).
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derick.khumalo