tawandamusarurwa
Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope you are well. I am a 33-year-old married woman with two kids.
My husband comes from a big family of two sisters and four brothers. We have created a social group and we call ourselves “The Team”.
The group is composed of my sisters-in-law and myself. There are five of us in total. Together, we do many things, for example, going out for food and drinks, as well as play dates with our kids. Occasionally, our husbands join us.
Over the years, we have learnt to trust each other a lot and we discuss various issues that we promise to keep to ourselves.
My husband can be very mean and short-tempered at times, so I shared this with the team. I got some good advice from the girls on how to deal with this matter. I was not the only one who poured her heart out about such issues.
We had planned to do something during the Heroes Day holiday, but my husband fumed, saying he was no longer interested. I was shocked when he narrated most of the things we had discussed in private as “The Team”.
I am shell-shocked. I do not know who sold me out. I ended up admitting most of the things that I had said. My brothers-in-law are not amused and my husband is in a foul mood. To my surprise, everyone else is claiming to be innocent. Amai, how do we get to the bottom of this and move on?
Response
Dear writer, thank you so much for your communication. I am well and thanks for asking. In my view, the group started well, but has become dangerous to be a part of. Five women confiding in each other! The group is too large for that.
You also need to factor in that you are all related. There is an adage that runs: “Two’s company, three’s a crowd”. If truth be told, someone among you spilled the beans, and I wonder what she wanted to achieve.
You mentioned some issues that you have with your spouse. Had you spoken to him about these before? It is wrong to take issues out of your marital home and discuss them with others before you talk to your spouse about them. It is a form of backstabbing your better half. It is my assumption he feels betrayed, and your social group can no longer be trusted.
Now that you have confessed and come clean, it is easier to attempt to fully resolve it now. As a family, you cannot pretend nothing happened. I suggest you call for a family meeting and iron this out. The truth will definitely come out and you will get the culprit.
After this, you will know what to talk about and who to trust when you meet next time. I will be happy to hear from you.
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Wife’s family ridiculed me
I am a 26-year-old guy and I paid lobola for my wife about three weeks ago. I am on the verge of tears as I write to you. I dated my wife for over a year and I love her with all my heart. While we were dating, I discovered she was double-crossing me with a married man, who used to buy her many expensive gifts.
I wanted to walk out on her, but she asked for forgiveness and told me that she loved me more than the other guy. She further said the man was just imposing himself on her. I do not earn much, but I saved aggressively and ended up with US$3 000.
The day we went to pay lobola, my father-in-law ordered my munyai to park our car behind his house because it was shameful to have it in front with his top-of-the-range fleet. This did not go down well with my vanyai team. After paying what I had, the remaining balance stood at US$7 000.
He sarcastically said what I brought was chicken feed; it is the amount he takes as pocket money when he goes golfing.
The problem now is he wants the balance paid off in two months and I do not have such money. My wife is pregnant, although nobody else knows yet. My wife’s aunt made the situation worse when she looked at me and asked whether I had bought my suit from “kumabhero”. I am now upset and confused. Please help.
Response
Dear writer, your letter made me sad. Well done for saving such an amount. Dating is a very crucial process in one’s love life. This is the time you study your partner and decide if you are in it for the long haul or not. Your spouse dated a married man while you were with her because he had more resources than you.
This should have been a warning sign. You do not have to be a rocket scientist to see that this girl was after the gifts. You forgave her when she said she loved you more. Why did she need to compare you to another man, to begin with?
Concerning the pregnancy, how sure are you that it is yours and she is not dating someone else? With all due respect, I do not think people from your wife’s side, especially the father-in-law and aunt, have respect for other people they deem to be beneath them, socially.
They sound self-centred.
My honest advice is that there is no need for you to stay upset and confused without trying to solve the issue. I suggest your munyai goes back to your in-laws and tell them frankly that you cannot raise US$7 000 in two months.
Also, let tete know that your wife is already pregnant. Lastly, it is in your best interest to take the child for DNA tests when it is born to put your mind at rest. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Landlady is a pain
I am a married woman aged 23. My husband is 24 years old. We are the only tenants where we stay. We are yet to be blessed with a child. My landlady is always asking for provisions. I cannot say I do not have them since she has access to my room and my fridge.
I did not know she had spare keys to our room until I found my cooking oil in her kitchen. She intimidates me but I pretend all is well. I am not gainfully employed, so she comes for tea or lunch uninvited. I told my husband, but he is also scared of her. Amai, what should we do?
Response
I feel sorry for you, but remember, even tenants have rights. Do not let the landlady treat you like trash. Do you have a lease agreement and what does it state?
She is taking advantage of your age, which is very unfortunate. Opening your room without your permission and taking things is criminal. She can be arrested if you report her to the law-enforcement agencies. You need your elbow space and happiness. At this juncture, I think the best thing for you is to look for alternative accommodation. Always make sure you have a lease agreement and you stick to it. I wish you all the best.
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Online Reporter